Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This
citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a
JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his car, creating a 300 MPH
dent in an Arizona cliff several hundred feet above the road
because, once it was turned on, it couldn't be shut off.
1997, "Pumping" ignited an internal explosion in a 13-year-old
body, but shoving a compressed air hose up his rectum and turning
it on.
The following is a collection of other interesting stories of
self appointed ministers of the Darwin Society.
1. [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down
the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela
Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called
Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift
towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the
towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski
slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad
removed.
2. [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to
call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and
walked out without paying for it.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store:
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it
had choked him to death.
3. [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing
above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when
it fell on him.
4. [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
5. [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital
said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting
arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the
hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an
initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in
Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head,
but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the
arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would
have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in
Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with
the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to
miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on
his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about
this."
No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
6. [San Jose Mercury News, 1996] An unidentified man, using a
shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing
a hole in his gut.
7. [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C.,
when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed,
he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
8. [Unknown, 25 March 1996] A terrible diet and room with no
ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed
by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed
large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted
primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It
was just the right combination of foods.
It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from
the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been
outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been
fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He
was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly
gas]."
Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
9. [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario, 1996]
10. [UPI, Toronto, 1996] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through
a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.
A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard
of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students.
Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of
the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy
was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man
association.
11. [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people
drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen
into a well in southern Egypt.
An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the
60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the
water pulled him down, police said.
His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well,
went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly
farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the
same undercurrent.
The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the
village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was
also pulled out. It survived.
12. [Times of London, 1996] A thief who sneaked into a hospital
was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading
security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and
helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a
vertical sunbed.
He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a
45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the
hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has
a maximum dosage of 10 seconds.
After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended
maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when
the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton
General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire.
Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's
coat. After tending his wounds they called the police.
Southampton police said, "This man broke into Odstock and decided
he fancied a quick suntan." Doctors say he is going to be scarred
for life.
13. [1995] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March
as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type
truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while
Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a
troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and
the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
14. [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95] Same thing up here in MI. Seems
some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed
wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of
neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly
fried former friend from the fatal flashing.
15. [1995] Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had
his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told
police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could
place his head without getting hit.
16. [1995] In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in
the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of
his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the
pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in
it.
17. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit
a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by
the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by
his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is licensed
to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk
promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several
other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else
was hurt.
18. [Moscow, Russia, 1997] A drunk security man asked a colleague
at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest
to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't,
and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.
19. [1997] A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female
companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in
Northwestern New South Wales, when their car crashed into the side
of a fully-laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing
(possibly more difficult to miss than the broad side of a barn).
The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last
carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train
continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After being
carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached an
unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said.
Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a
pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it
came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck
with minor bruising (possibly a Volvo?), and the man set off along
the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell
to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able
to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest
injuries.
20. [1997] In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance
when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall
cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of
the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his
clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He
jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and
cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he
plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames
and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by
a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died... of
hypothermia.
21. [Japan Times -- April 16, 1997] "The government must crack
down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping,'" a spokesman for the
Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion
catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He
was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai
Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained,
"inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush
of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."
Charnchai took it further still. He started using a
two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for
him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the
compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him
to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing
how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his
rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died
virtually instantly, but passers-by are still in shock. One woman
thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started
clapping. "We still haven't located all of him.", say the police
authorities.
"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his
system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or
something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to
Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means,
but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."