1. 45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas
after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana
were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had
brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,
Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would
have to raise the hood to change the oil.
2. A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole --
are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was
recording... Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself
stealing the camera.)
3. A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money
from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...
4. A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk
and fled -- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount
of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
5. A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a
robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head -- and
realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye-holes in the mask.
6. A woman in Tavares, Florida is in trouble this week, after she
ordered her children to shoot their father. During an argument
with her husband, the woman reportedly told her 6- and 8-year-old
sons to "open fire" on Dad with their Red Ryder BB guns. The man
was treated for seven pellet wounds at a local hospital... as long
as they didn't put somebody's eye out...
7. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that
there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report
called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read
the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged
to meet, and the thief was arrested.
8. Arizona: A company called Guns For Hire stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a
47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got
4-1/2 years in jail.
9. Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long
welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing
it. "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never
had it happen."
10. Attempting to rob a bank, Gerald Rodgers handed a teller a
note in which he threatened to blow up the bank with a bum. The
note said, "The bum go off whenever I want it too, and I won't
hesitate to kill anybody starting with you first." The note warned
bank personnel against using "marked money and explosive rubber
bands," and further directed that then "you [would] get out of the
thing alive. And whenever I leave act like nothing happened or
else." Rodgers got away with $4550 - temporarily. It seems he had
scribbled the note on one of his mother's checks, from which he's
cleverly scratched out her name but left her account number.
11. Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering
El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be
released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240
pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
12. Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently
after he attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup
with a 22-caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit).
However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot
him in the knee.
13. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, Rhode
Island, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and
stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they
contained $800 in pennies, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him
to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily
jumped him from behind.
14. Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in
March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see
it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and
laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose
himself.
15. E.C. Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the
Levelland, Texas District Attorney recommended last week that his
bail be set at "a zillion dollars." The judge agreed. A spokesman
at the Hockley County jail said he didn't think Stewart had a
lawyer yet...
16. England: A German tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday,
shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter
about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not
know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist
to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial
amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
17. Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed
him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
18. In Oklahoma City, Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed
robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when
he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said
Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped
up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should've blown
your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly
added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20
minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
19. In San Francisco, a motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for
$40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture --
handcuffs.
20. In San Francisco, it seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a
stickup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She
read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept
his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then
called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he
was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
21. Jeffrie Thomas walked into a Signet Bank in Baltimore and
handed a teller a note demanding money. So far, so good. But when
police arrived, bank employees pointed to a man counting cash near
a teller's station. It was Thomas, adding up the take... no, it's
escape, then count...
22. Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida
for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only
an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
23. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine
by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup
truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though,
they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the
scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the
machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
24. Our Forrest Gump award this week goes to Brandon Hughes of
Memphis, Tennessee. Mr. Hughes went into court to challenge some
minor traffic violations. On the witness stand, while raising his
hand to take the oath, a gram of cocaine fell out of his pocket...
25. Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a
string of vending machine robberies in January when he fled from
police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a
vending machine and later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
26. R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's
asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his
driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments
later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen
showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St.
Louis, Missouri.
27. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station,
dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant
that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it
to him be arrested immediately.
28. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay
$9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment,
he provided the court a check--a forged check. He got 10 years.
29. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
30. The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man
suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have
done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same
time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
31. Think you're having a bad hair day? Think again. When
Charles Gibson of Lakeland, Florida backed out of a $5 haircut last
week, his barber bit off his right thumb. "He just literally
chewed it off," said Gibson. "I looked into his eyes. He didn't
look normal."... sure he's criminally insane, but he's real
cheap...
32. Tiffany's ice cream parlor alerted police to a person defacing
the statue of William McKinley on the Arcata Plaza. Police
apprehended a suspect and released him with a warning not to stick
cheese in McKinley's ears and nose anymore.
33. Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site
to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they
snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto
the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these
brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy.
Banging up more alls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK
into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize
that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
34. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the
man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying it was the best laugh he'd ever
had.