2. My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to
change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the
call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she
interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what
state is it in?"
3. Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With
that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
4. This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He
decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He
didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway
rolling back and forth.
5. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra
in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me
that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to
make a sandwich.
6. I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
7. I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a
message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to
fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they
know what size screen I have?"
8. I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I
signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.
9. At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank
card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to
orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout
personwill say, "Strip down, face toward me." [Editor's Note: Am
I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?]
10. A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner
responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium
and large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the
customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said,
"Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."
11. After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate,
I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said
that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over
by Croatia?"
12. An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees: Blink your eyelids periodically to
lubricate your eyes.
13. I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer
wanted them to cross there.
14. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from
a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"
15. I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab
partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained
to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount
of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
16. My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
17. A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to
visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was,
at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's
half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So
every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker
thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works
on even years."