10. Lifestyle downscaling oppertunity
9. Our little problem
8. The ugly, stupid cousin of robust growth
7. Something for you 30s nostalgia buffs
6. Cheap meat-eatin days
5. A treat for our bankruptcy lawer friends
4. A good time to switch to RC cola
3. Still a lot better than any country in South America, pal
2. The national bummer
1. It's Krazy dollar days.
.................................................................
10. The economy was crashing and he wanted to get out of office as
soon as possible.
9. Mayor Dixon promissed him her breasts.
8. It was an accident. He thought it was just cocaine.
7. He wanted to go to jail, so he could be stretched out farther
than Tracy Lord's vagina.
6. Candid Camera conned him into doing it. "Marion, don't worry.
It'll be very funny."
5. If you can't fight 'em, join 'em.
4. He needed it to make his wife look better.
3. He figured it was the only way to unite with the black
community.
2. It was a plot masterminded by the Jews.
1. Like acting to Reagan and jellybeans to Carter, he needed his
own thing.
.................................................................
10. Has a dream of once again performing with Redd Fox.
9. It was an excuse to meet Jerry Lewis.
8. He wanted to change his name from Jo Jo Dancer to Jo Jo
Cancer.
7. He needed new material for his stand-up routine.
6. He thought he was a cat and had eight more lives.
5. It's not true. His doctor's a comedian too.
4. He got sick of making B-movies with Gene Wilder.
3. He felt he didn't lose enough brain cells in the fire.
2. It was Eddie Murphy's scheme to get rid of the competition.
1. It was the only way to get back on Johnny Carson.
.................................................................
10. Billy-Jean King tension releiver.
9. Martina's personal 'fishing' rod.
8. A club to hit the Nazi, Boris Becker, over the head with.
7. A magic wand to turn everyone into lesbians and homosexuals.
6. A disguised machine gun to shoot all magic johnson fans.
5. A strap-on dildo/S&M discipline tool.
4. Used to repel balls.
3. A gynecologist exploring apparatus.
2. Used to 'slice' her opponent 'down the middle'.
1. A penis guillotine.
.................................................................
10. Jim's Brims
9. Jimbo's Lid City
8. Admiral Jim's Hats Ahoy!
7. The Jim'O'Shantery
6. Crazy Jim's Hats for Insanely Low Prices
5. Jim's Bulletproof/Knifeproof/Spitproof Hats (New York City
Only)
4. Jim, Your Hat Smells Terrific!
3. Wally's Hat Shop (Under New Management)
2. If You Don't Want a Hat, then Screw You
1. Colonel Jim's Kentucky Fried Hats
.................................................................
10. A college baseball bat. (In the Pros you could only use
wood.)
9. A prop in "Friday the 13th part 9."
8. A back and ass scratcher.
7. Phony arm-in-the-sleeve gag.
6. A hat rack.
5. A new arm for Jim Abbott.
4. Could be used to reach high objects.
3. A sex toy for Mrs. Dravecky.
2. An ornament in the Hall of Fame. (He'll never get there
anyway.)
1. New ingredient for McDonalds' Big Mac.
.................................................................
10. He thought he was signing an autograph.
9. He found out his name really wasn't Martin Luther King.
8. Wanted to teach speech at local college.
7. It was the Jews.
6. Had a dream of becoming a raunchy stand-up comedian.
5. He's tired of all the black jokes in the conference room.
4. Wanted to make way for another brain-dead old man about to
kick the bucket.
3. Sandra O'Conner's farts smelled worse than he did.
2. Has more time for 900 sex lines.
1. Wanted to form rap band M.C.-nile.
.................................................................
10. It was an early "Highway to Heaven."
9. He caught AIDS from Isaac Jacobs (the bearded guy).
8. It was depression from his show's bad ratings.
7. He was unhappy with Bush-Reagan policy.
6. He committed suicide while listening to Metallica's "Fade to
Black."
5. He couldn't understand how Roseanne Barr was on TV.
4. Mellissa Gilbert gave him heart problems.
3. His life was going nowhere anyway.
2. He acquired Anthrax from cows.
1. He wasn't making enough money off of "Little House" reruns.
.................................................................
10. We're Amtrak with wings
9. Join Our Frequent Near-Miss Program
8. Ask About Our Out-Of-Court Settlements
7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'Em Off!
6. Complimentary Champagne in Free-fall
5. Enjoy the In-Flight Movie on the Plane Next To You
4. The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides
3. Terrorists Are Afraid To Fly With Us
2. Our Pilots Are Terminally Ill & Have Nothing To Lose
1. We Might Be Landing On Your Street!
.................................................................
10. Keggerland
9. Just Plain Volks
8. Siegfried & Roy
7. Aryan Acres
6. Argentina East
5. The Love Shack
4. Nazichusetts
3. Switzerland's Bad-Ass Neighbor
2. Home of Das Whopper
1. Cindy (go figure!)
.................................................................
10. I was just rehersing for the T.V. show.
9. Rita the mailwoman gave me a hard-on.
8. Exit...I thought the sign said ejaculate.
7. I left the ticket stub in my behind.
6. I was checking for testicular cancer.
5. Look. This is why they call me Pee-Wee.
4. Doesn't everyone do this inside movie theatres?
3. I should have stuck to shower rooms and bathhouses.
2. I know you are but what am I?
1. I was doing a magic trick for one of my young fans.
.................................................................
10. If it rings, put it on hold.
9. If it clunks, call the repairman.
8. If it whistles, ignore it.
7. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
6. If it's the Boss, look busy.
5. If it talks, take notes.
4. If it's handwritten, type it.
3. if it's typed, copy it.
2. If it's copied, file it.
1. If it's friday, FORGET IT!!!
.................................................................
10. If it rings, tell your secretary to get it.
9. If it clunks, buy a new one.
8. If it whistles, tell your secretary to get you coffee.
7. If it's a friend, give him a copy of the game your playing.
6. If it's the boss, heh, I am the boss.
5. If it talks, turn up the sound on your game.
4. If it's handwritten it must be a Post-It note on your monitor.
Crumple it up and throw it away. Start your game.
3. If it's typed, scan it into your computer.
2. If it's copied, it must be a pirated game.
1. If it's friday, take the day off.
.................................................................
10. Paper weight (as mentioned above)
9. Kindling for the fireplace.
8. Book end.
7. Centerpiece of your pagan ritual pentagram (covered with goat
skin and virgin blood)
6. Recycle!! (there a lot of waste paper in there)
5. Hold a bible throwing contest!
4. Amaze your friends!! Throw your voice!!! Using the holy
spirit.
3. See how good of a paper airplane you can make out of that
ultra-thin bible page paper.
2. Stand on a corner handing out bibles until someone spits in
your face, beats you up, and calls you a fundie.
1. Use it to trick yourself into believing that you actually have
a life, that there is a god, and that when you die you are
going to heaven to spend the rest of eternity in bliss,
singing the praises of God.
.................................................................
10. If my friends could see me now.
9. That's entertainment.
8. Impossible dream.
7. You're gonna hear from me.
6. Hey, look me over.
5. Let me entertain you.
4. That's life.
3. I write the songs.
2. My way.
1. I've gatta be me.
Bonus Song: I believe in music
.................................................................
10. Cold
9. 36-hour Coup Flu
8. Bad clams for lunch
7. Copper-jacketed lead poisoning
6. Nagging cough
5. Surrounded by burly men with guns
4. Communist party "skip day"
3. Will put tape recorder in politburo meeting, cram for final
2. Hung over
1. Worst day of fishing better than the best day of running
Soviet economy into ground
.................................................................
10. My what a lovely lace doily.
9. Ow! A papercut.
8. Man-oh-man, I love fudge.
7. When I think about you, I touch myself.
6. Do you have any of those ouch-less bandaids?
5. Can you please open this jar of olives for me?
4. Time to make the donuts, you bastards.
3. Can you just let me keep the credit cards.
2. Help me Letterman, Help me!
1. Who else loves show tunes?
.................................................................
10. The dead never have a headache
9. A dead chick always swallows
8. A dead chick doesn't mind sleeping in the wet spot
7. After a few days, a dead dude never gets soft
6. A dead chick is never on the rag. (Or maybe they always are,
I'm not sure)
5. The dead never finish first
4. The dead never say, "Is it in yet?" "You mean that's it?"
or "Watch the teeth!"
3. The dead don't mind a golden shower, cameras or bondage
2. After a coupla weeks, you can ditch the lubricant
1. Sometimes after sex you get the munchies (with apologies to
Jeffrey Dahlmer)
.................................................................
10. After a couple weeks, they tend to stick to one position, not
to mention the sheets
9. The wet spot gets bigger every time
8. After sex in a jaccuzzi, you need a new one
7. In a word -- Morning Breath of the Dead
6. Can tip over in more sophisticated positions unless you employ
a spotter
5. More difficult to dispose of than used condom unless you own
a garbage disposal or pizza place
4. Hard to store, but then you don't have to blow them up
3. Messy when autopsy suture opens
2. Fly strips get caught in your hair
1. Hard to stay excited with other mourners trying to get you off
casket
.................................................................
10. Are thee at barn-raisings often?
9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would
ask thee for they number.
8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?
7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and
shapeless black dress.
6. Say, my favorite movie is Witness too!
5. Are thee a model?
4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go
someplace quiet.
3. Thy buggy has a bitchin' lacquer job.
2. I got Sinatra tickets.
1. Are thee up for some plowing?
.................................................................
10. Oprah Mocha
9. Raspberry Rash
8. Norieggnog
7. Cholesterol Chip
6. Zsa Zsa Gaboreo
5. Tiny Filaments o' Tungsten
4. Vap-O-Rub
3. Stuff-Found-in-Ben-&-Jerry's-Pockets
2. Bus Depot Fudge
1. Hitler Ripple
.................................................................
In response to the "boycott" that was supposed to take place
Friday, September 13, 1991 in protest of the budget cuts for the
three state universities in Iowa.
10. Your classes just plain suck
9. Unofficial holiday (Friday the 13th)
8. It was your birthday
7. The food sucks (Oops! I was thinking of boycotting food
service!)
6. You're a rebel with a cause
5. The weather ('Nuff said)
4. Needed to catch up on that 24 hours of sleep you lost last
weekend
3. Classes? What classes?
2. Damn it! It's about time you did something for you!
1. Just Do It. (tm)
.................................................................
10. Far to thin to cost that much
9. Twisted guys wear it more often than girls
8. You don't want to buy that stuff from anyone wearing road
pylons on her chest!
7. God knows where her hands have been.
6. God knows where SHE'S BEEN!
5. God knows where that LINGERIE's BEEN!
4. Optional velcro package not available til christmas
3. Sean Penn may have worn it too!
2. It's not bio-degradable.
1. SHE'S A BITCH!
.................................................................
10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince
everyone he's not a professional wrestler.
9. When you can see the outline of his underwear through the Bat
suit.
8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas
for the Batmobile.
7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him
sterile.
6. When really stupid people shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto!"
5. When dry cleaner accidentally switches Bat suit and San Diego
Chicken costume.
4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake. (Oh, I'm sorry.
That's one of the pet peeves of the "Fatman.")
3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman.
2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of
cardboard can summon him at night.
1. When people call him "The Batman." It's just "Batman," damn
it!
.................................................................
10. The Dirt-Master
9. Tupper-Tomb
8. Krazy-Kasket from Whammo
7. The Slim Reaper
6. The 19th Hole
5. McCoffin Styrofoam Casket
4. The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)
3. Cap'n Crypt
2. The Cardboard Warrior
1. The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger
.................................................................
10. The Gingerbread Man Chews Off His Own Leg to Get Out of a Bear
Trap
9. Geraldo and Gretel
8. The Ugly Duckling Who Had Liposuction and Cheek Implants
7. The Little Old Lady Who Lived in Al Sharpton's Hair
6. Dr. Campo and the Magic Beans
5. Mike Tyson Whips the Hell Out of the Little People
4. Scrappy, the Very COntagious Monkey
3. George Bush Won't Raise Taxes
2. The Little Engine that Occasionally Couldn't
1. Goldilocks and the Tainted Clams
.................................................................
10. My Years with the White Sox
9. Pizza to Go - from Alpha Centauri
8. Leif Erikson: Lousy in the Sack
7. I Go Completely Nuts and Start Writing Books
6. I was the 1,378,000th Burger Sold at McDonald's
5. Flying Saucers: More Dependable than Eastern
4. The Voices in My Head Argue Over Their Share of the Book
Royalties
3. Is that a Crystal in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See
Me?
2. Didn't I Already Write This Chapter?
1. I'm Crazy? You Spent $21.95 on This Book!
.................................................................
10. Did she come on to you in any way?
9. Were you attracted to her?
8. Does she have a siser?
7. Did you try getting her drunk first?
6. She does have nice breasts, doesn't she?
5. Who's YOUR favorite porn star?
4. You like beastiality, too?
3. Why didn t you take her for a ride over a nice, narrow bridge?
2. She wanted it, didn't she?
1. Why don't you come down to Florida with me for spring break?
.................................................................
13. A cat won't wake you up at 3 am because it wants to make love
to you.
12. A cat doesn't use the phone for hours.
11. A cat loves you until it dies.
10. You don't have to tell your cat you love it - it knows you do.
9. A cat never calls you on the phone in the middle of the night
saying, "...ooooh I'm soooo druuuunk, wiiiill youuu taaake
meee hoooome..."
8. You don't need to help your cat with Calculus or Statistics.
7. A cat doesn't care if you haven't been eating for two days.
6. A cat doesn't want to borrow money from you.
5. You don't need to buy your cat expensive presents on its
birthday.
4. You don't need to buy your cats mother expensive presents on
her birthday.
3. A cat doesn't say "no" when you want the two of you to take a
two week holiday on some romantic island in West India.
2. If there's a mouse in the house, the cat kills it, instead of
making a lot of fuss about it.
1. A cat won't hate you if you have it castrated.
.................................................................
10. Junior Electrician Outlet Patrol
9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
8. Black & Decker Silly Driller
7. Roof Ranger Paratrooper Outfit
6. Remco's Pocket Hive
5. Traffic Tag
4. Will It Burn? from Parker Brothers
3. Chimney Explorer
2. My First Ferret Farm
1. Ooh, You're Blue! The Hold-Your-Breath Game
.................................................................
10. Because they know they could cover it with perfume.
9. You'd smell too if Pepe LePew was your national hero.
8. Miterand posted a bill that made it illegal to take showers.
7. "Right Guard," wrong country.
6. The United States has 'Star Wars', this is France's defense
mechanism.
5. Edith Croissant forgot to deuche.
4. They wanted to immitate their friends in the Middle East.
3. Secret plot to stop American tourism.
2. Frogs are drawn to sewers.
1. Acquired from rotting corpses dug up in Jewish cemetaries.
.................................................................
10. Wants to replace baseball with cross burning as our national
pastime.
9. The hood and robe will not look good during televised State of
the Union address.
8. Wants to make Mardi Gras a celebration of the Holocaust.
7. Has dream of rebuilding the Berlin Wall.
6. Wants to make 'Mein Kampf' mandatory reading for all 5th grade
students.
5. His slogan "Let's Keep the White House White" will not set
well with the black community.
4. Wants to transform New York City into Nazi Death Camp.
3. Most presidents work on foreign peace relations and the
national deficit. His first priority is the forced
resignation of Barney Frank.
2. Wants to replace George Washington with Kurt Waldheim on the
one dollar bill.
1. Has plan to deport all Jews to Syria & France.
.................................................................
10. Never any table scraps under Barbara's chair.
9. Getting the blame every time Marlin Fitzwater takes a leak on
the couch.
8. When Quayle hogs the dor toys.
7. Spuds Mackenzie.
6. When the Korean ambassador gets hungry.
5. Barney Frank's flamming poodle.
4. Having the same name as that idiot "Vanilli. "
3. When Marrian Barry bogarts your last joint.
2. Bieng known as "The First Bitch. "
1. When Reagan shows up in his pajamas murmuring, "Nice kitty,
nice kitty..."
.................................................................
10. They couldn't see straight. They really meant to bomb Korea.
9. They wanted to get back at FDR for telling oriental jokes.
8. Since Japan was running low on sushi, they needed a diversion
so they could drain the harbor of all its fish.
7. The brain of Hirohito was temporarily incognito.
6. They wanted to make a name for themselves, since everyone
considers all Asians to be Chinese.
5. They needed a new location to film 'Bruce Lee - The Revenge'.
4. The Germans promissed them a year supply of rice.
3. They heard Godzilla was hiding there.
2. They wanted to disturb the Jews during their Chanukha dinner.
1. They needed wood from the docks to make chop sticks.
.................................................................
10. Any excuse to get on T.V.
9. He wanted to emulate his favorite uncle, Ted.
8. He thought the Kennedy name didn't have enough of a bad rap as
it is.
7. Because he knew if he didn't, cousin Patrick would.
6. After seeing Jack's head after the shooting, he has had an
intense fascination for holes.
5. She reminded him of Marilyn Monroe.
4. He wants publicity, so when he runs for President people know
who he is.
3. The only other girl around was his retarded cousin, Mary.
2. He wants to do his residency in Gynecology.
1. It was his only chance to top Chapaquitik.
.................................................................
10. Baby's First Chainsaw
9. Huey the Human Torch (lighter fulid sold separately)
8. Backyard Bottle Scuds
7. Realarmy Body Bags with the Ziploc Fastener
6. Dr. Heimlich's Great Gulp Game
5. Junior Snake Handler Starter Set
4. Rocketman Set, including everything you need for bungee
jumping off the garage
3. Live Ammo GI Joe
2. Little Samurai Home Sushi Kit
1. Jim Bakker Cellmate Game
.................................................................
10. Validate parking for world leaders who stayed more than 2
hours at funeral
9. Impress U.N. General Assembly by slicing tin can with Ginsu
knife
8. Call Dan Quayle at 3 in the morning and scream "Banzai!" into
the phone
7. Record "Your lights are on" for use in all talking Toyotas
6. Befriend Pat Morita; find out who's gay in Hollywood
5. Organize title fight between Mike Tyson and Mothra
4. Find "friends" for John Tower when he's in town
3. See that Yoko Ono's U.S. citizenship is kept up-to-date
2. Defend crown every 6 months as required by World Wrestling
Federation bylaws
1. Make sure America isn't late with the rent check
.................................................................
10. Oprah-homa!
9. Sunday in the Park with George Steinbrenner
8. Twelve Angry Men and a Baby
7. Sharptonmania
6. Roy Rogers' Incontinent Dog and Monkey Rodeo
5. I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Muffler: A Dramatic Reading
by James Earl Jones
4. David Brinkley's Enchanted World of Magic and Illusion
3. Meese!
2. Death of an Amway Salesman
1. Oh! Velveeta!
.................................................................
10. "Nine-One-One? Sure, I'll Hold."
9. "Ooh. What's this goo on the earpiece?"
8. "Mr. Gotti, that 'leaky pipe' won't be bothering you anymore."
7. "It's a pushbutton phone, but I didn't use my fingers."
6. "This is Elvis. Any messages for me?"
5. "You don't know me, but your number spells out O-BITE-ME."
4. "This is Frank Stallone. I'm calling from my - uh - car
phone."
3. "Gotta run - Don't want to miss a single minute of the Summer
Olympic coverage broadcast September fifteenth to October
fourth - only on NBC!"
2. "Is that a thumb in the coin return?"
1. "Hello. Al Sharpton's office."
.................................................................
10. He was informed the vegetables were grown in Hiroshima.
9. He thought the dinner bill was in US dollars (not yen).
8. #9 and trying to keep from paying with a clever decoy.
7. He was attempting humor via Karen Carpenter impersonation.
6. It was a simple burp gone awry.
5. It was a coverup to conceal a bladder control problem.
4. Rumor had it that dessert would be even worse than the first
7 courses.
3. An angry aid informed him that it was offending to the Premier
not to barf.
2. He wanted to ditch reporters and visit Toyko's skid row.
1. When he summoned the chef to pay a compliment, Jeff Dahmer
appeared.
.................................................................
10. He wanted to hang out with his friend Dan Quayle.
9. He was allergic to Vietnamese food.
8. He thought 'gook' meant the stains on Gennifer Flowers'
panties.
7. He wanted to do one better than Gary Hart.
6. He had his weekly appointment with a hooker that day.
5. He needed some good scandals for when he ran for presidency.
Soon we'll be hearing about how he smoked marijuana with his
brother.
4. He heard that no women were in the army, and he wasn't too
into Oriental chicks.
3. He was against the whore..Oops, I mean war.
2. When they said sign, he thought they meant a subscription to
Penthouse.
1. He had to weigh his priorities...mow down the Vietcong or mow
down Gennifer Flowers' lawn.
.................................................................
10. He thought it would bring less attention to his messed up
nose.
9. His ultimate goal is to become Brooke Shield's body double.
8. Little Richard told him he was into Jungle Fever.
7. It was a strange skin reaction to the scar on his crotch.
6. He heard that Vanilla Ice will soon be changing his name to
Chocolate Doody.
5. He wants to look more like his Great-Grandfather Billy-Bob.
4. It was the only way he could distinguish himself from his
sister Latoya.
3. He's getting people ready for his new breast implants.
2. He acquared a rare disease from his pet green monkey.
1. He was sick of people coming up to him and asking him for a
shoe shine.
.................................................................
A fertility doctor, Cecil Jacobson, is accused of providing his own
sperm to inseminate at least a dozen of his patients.
10. We recycle everything -- absolutely no waste.
9. Open wide and say "ahh"
8. We pass the savings on to you.
7. Donor is personally guaranteed to be a college graduate.
6. Well, I could stop by your place, say 7 oclock..?
5. We test and test and test again.
4. High volume means lower prices, day after day.
3. It's a tough, thankless job but someone's gotta do it..
2. Ten years from now your kid can come to a family reunion with
all my kids.
1. "You can't get it any fresher than this."
.................................................................
10. More fun to complain about them to your friends
9. Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting
8. When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so
why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
7. All the other women want them, so they must be worth having
6. You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be
more in control
5. Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't
normally give it.
4. Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack
of lovemaking skills most of the time.
3. No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them
2. Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're
doing instead of getting mad at you about it six months later.
1. Looking for someone you can't trust and won't care about too
much who will abuse you mentally and financially, but don't
know any lawyers.
.................................................................
10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.
9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of
their own
8. Will let you post intimate pictures of them to
alt.sex.pictures
7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though
it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.
6. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O
wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera"
5. Won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in
front of "the guys"
4. Actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind
and personality--now shut up and finish putting on that French
maid outfit."
3. Ability to comprehend spatial relationships so poor that they
really do believe that it's eight inches.
2. Don't understand computers well enough to access Internet and
read what you're been saying about the sociobiological reasons
why they don't like sex as much as you do.
1. Will put up with you
.................................................................
10. New glow-in-the-dark play-doe.
9. A refillable silicon squirt gun.
8. A Burger King hamburger pattie (can't be much worse).
7. A perverted businessman's paper weight.
6. Alternative to K.Y. Jelly.
5. Crazy Glue's new competition.
4. Jeffrey Dalmer jail food.
3. A half price breast implant.
2. Martina Navratalova's portable pleasure.
1. Unwanted ingredient in mother's milk.
.................................................................
10. Poor personal hygiene!
9. He thinks george bush is a good president (or reagan for that
matter)!
8. He believes in anything even remotely close to the concept of
"Alpha male!" (can you say UG UG UG?)
7. He thinks i remind him of his mother (arrggg- RUN!)
6. He brags about owning a porsche (you can own one, just don't
expect me to be impressed!)
5. He worships the god "mula"
4. He owns a pocket protector
3. He worships himself and thinks women should too
2. Wears green polyester slacks in public
1. He believes "all women prefer jerks" and acts accordingly!
.................................................................
10. He found out how much Cannon Towels cost down at KMart.
9. Lois didn't want him hanging around the house -- too damn
depressing.
8. Tark wanted to continue as a positive influence for young men
during their formative years.
7. He though if he was really nice to Larry Johnson, the big guy
might let him drive the Corvette (on loan from one of the
local Chevy dealers).
6. He found out that his retirement insurance wouldn't cover the
long-awaited eyelid surgery.
5. As an EX-coach, the casinos treated him like crap.
4. He was getting really steamed about all those young studs
barely old enough to shave making all that money shaving
points.
3. He figured that when it comes to the NCAA, the best defense is
a good offense.
2. Coach K. didn't keep up the payments for throwing the NCAA
semi-final game.
1. Fark the Tark!
.................................................................
10. Family forgot to bring change of underwear
9. No outdoor B-B-Q for 40 days
8. Children tyring to inter-breed animals causing real exotic
species
7. Wife and children mad because family dog got left behind
6. All animals in heat at same time
5. Accidently brought 2 male sheep
4. Children pretending to throw animals overboard causing
extinction
3. Lack of family volunteers for pooper-scooping job
2. Not a lot of neighbors to talk with after flood
1. Noah counted an odd number of animals leaving ark after flood
.................................................................
10. A coke can.
9. Big Bird stunt double.
8. A double feature drive-in movie theatre.
7. A foot doctor's nightmare.
6. A reason to worry about the ozone layer.
5. A javelin in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
4. To help lessen Barbara Streisand's complex about hers.
3. A target for Germans and Arabs.
2. A third and fourth gay sex location.
1. An extra sensitive diarrhea detector.
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