There are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car any place, any time. Forget the Snap-on tools truck; it's
never there when you need it.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material,
radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in
one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice
surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the
real world everything from Le Mans-winning Porches to Atlas
rockets uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you
out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers,
bailing wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and
wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your
tool box, Vice-Grips are the only tool designed expressly to
fix things screwed up beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new
doors, alternators and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig
phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull
bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely
enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous
little red tube that flies out of the nozzle. If you look at
it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
4. Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids: If you spend all your time
under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the
peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's
because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of
tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the
empty tubs for part's containers afterward. (Some, of course,
chuck the butter colored goo altogether, or use it to repack
wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator clamps,
margarine tubs aren't connected by a time space wormhole to
the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock at the Side of the Road: Block up a tire. Smack
nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to
develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite
or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in
India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray
hoses with bread ties, some genius brought out a slightly
slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties
can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from
a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something
remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works
both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each
zip tie under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver with Lifetime
Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for
prying, chiselling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or
mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly
when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This also the tool
of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If
you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or
your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.
8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing
wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like
duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders since
it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing
again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favourite in some
circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly
pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-end separator,
but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if
you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the
all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the
huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent
metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good
bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in
a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it.)
10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See number one above.