Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
12. Contents of your curbside recycling tub stolen and replaced
with juice can pencil holders and milk carton flower vases.
11. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly
like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice
downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of
palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
8. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you -- even after
you leave the bathroom.
7. You discover that every napkin in the whole friggin' house has
been folded into a swan.
6. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.
5. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
4. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
3. The sharpened macaroni shells underfoot in the bathroom are
stained to match the shower curtain.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive
stuffing in every orifice.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha
Stewart...
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at
your temple.