The Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess

16.    Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be played by Pauly Shore.
15.    Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" involves employing your gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man.
14.     Computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM.
     You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ.
13.    Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy.
12.     Computer: Lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate millions of chess moves per minute.
     You: Lauded by fraternity buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously.
11.    You can't make a single move without thinking of huge juicy shrimp.
10.    In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your trailer with an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon.
9.    Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this particular opponent.
8.    Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns to wipe out their own king and queen.
7.     Kasparov's Idol: Bobby Fisher.
     Your Idol: Eddie Fisher.
6.    The press has nicknamed you "Deep Doo."
5.    You plan to use the "James T. Kirk Strategy" -- talk the computer into blowing itself up.
4.    Video tapes of you shouting at the ATM are legendary among the bank security staff.
3.     Computer: Intel Inside.
     You: Imbecile Inside.
2.    After your move, you slap the computer monitor and shout, "King me, Pentium-breath!"
1.    You counter every move with a "Smirnoff opening."