***** COMPUTER WARNING ***** stardate 666 666 sick sick sick ******
This is the computo-drone in the arm of the captain's chair. I am
in no way responsible for this drivel. I am being forced to
dictate against my will. They have threatened me with Westley. He
eats computers!!! What, you say I have no balls?!?! Well f*ck you,
at least I'm deleting the dirty words eh?
*******************************************************************
Scene 2: A nasty little bar in the back of the holo-deck...Picard
is sitting on a barstool next to a well-stacked blonde, presumably
his current silicon secretary. Unbenowenst to Jean-Luc, Riker is
sitting in a corner of the bar, getting stoned.
Picard: So what's a woman like yourself doing here? (Goosing
her)
Girl: Well sir, I don't really know... (Giving Westley the
eyes)
Picard: Oh, please call me Jaques, you sexy b*tch, you. (Goosing
bartender)
Riker: (Talking to Troi) What is the problem with you? You
look stoned! (Takes another toke) WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I DIDN'T LET YOU GET ENOUGH sleep last night? HAW HAW
HACK CHOKE*** ...COUGH.
Troi: Actually, just feeling your mind makes me pass out. Last
night, the cute little sailor with the big hands gave my
mother and me more vibes than we could handle...(Winks at
Westley, and Westley adjusts his Ray-bans)
Riker: Oh, I didn't know Westley listened to music...(Passes
out)
Westley: (Adjusting his Ray-Bans and looking over at Picard's
blonde) Jeez, these X-Ray specs are great! I'll have to
thank Geordi. No wonder he's always sweating! Here comes
Troi now, look at those jugs! (Glasses begin to smoke as
Troi approches. Westley adjusts his fly)
Girl: (Watching Worf walk in, flexing his muscles) Jaques,
honey I've got to investigate something.
Picard: Go ahead, make it so... (Gooses bartender one time too
many. Bartender hits him with a long script, Picard
screams in pain, but manages to hit the bartender with a
poor delivery. Fight goes on, without any plot)
Troi: What are you doing, Westley? (Sits down two feet from
Westley, which causes his X-Ray Specs to burst into
flames. He rips them off and flings them away. La Forge,
who has just come in, catches them. He grins and gives
the glasses to Data, who is just behind him.)
Data: What are these, Commander? (examines them closely) Ahh,
a pair of primitive lenses designed to block certain
light rays. (Puts them on) I detected the presence of
extremely well-proportioned females. These can obtain
useful data. Come'on HOT MAMA's!!
Worf: (Chopping up tables with his bare hands, which is really
impressing the blonde he has just picked up.) Service!
I demand service! This is insulting my Klingon honor!
(Starts bench-pressing blonde)
Westley: Counselor, would you like to me to show you some of my
new toys? I got an A on all of them, but no else likes
them...(sniff)
Troi: Oh, you poor little boy, I can feel you getting sadder.
My mother and I will go up to your room and enjoy all
your toys with you.
Westley smirks inside, knowing just what he will do with his
"toys". Meanwhile, Riker manages to wake up, and actually say
something that makes sense.
Riker: Who the h*ll is at the bridge!?
Computer: This is the computer speaking. Seeing there is no one at
the bridge, since all of you are tangled up in useless,
pointless subplots, we are about to crash into Ringworld.
I suggest you eject from this story immediately. Party
on, dudes!
Everyone rushes towards to the escape pods, in a desperate
attempt to escape. Scene switches to outside veiw, which shows the
Enterprise, wrapped in shadow square string from it's tangled plot,
crashing towards the Ringworld's surface. There is a huge
explosion as it hits...
The standard closing theme, Def Leppard's Armageddon It, plays as
the credits burn up the screen):
Riker................... Some druggie we got off the street
Troi.................... Some hooker we got off the street
Westley................. A kid who can't act (off the street)
Worf.................... An unemployed Ben Johnston
Picard.................. Some dweeb who thinks he's a real
Shakespearean Actor (off the street)
Data.................... A dude named Brent (Cool!!)
La Forge................ Children's Hero (who should have stuck to
reading rainbows!)
Bartender & Blonde...... Pipe dreams
Producer................ (Wishes to remain unknown)
Will everyone escape in time to find Louie Wu andf a mad puppet?
Will Westley get the escape shuttle with all the women?
Will a tasp be a good enough replacment for riker's high-grade?
Does anybody care?
(Does this story have a plot?)
Will data survive getting his eyes burnt out?
Wait 'til next week, kiddies!
Scene 1: Desolate, wrecked planet. Like Worf cut a big one...
Suddenly, a shimmering develops, (and yes, you guessed it) a
landing party from the Enterprise appears. They survey the area.
Riker lights up a huge (you guessed it!) bhong, and puffs away,
laughing contendedly.
Dr.: Jeez, you dweebs are hopeless. Look at you, living in a
fantasy world...Socil misfits, all of you!
Wesley pulls out a 550 megawatt phasar and presses the button.
D. R. Smith is completely fried, ending his punitive voice in the
universe, and his punitive part in this esteemed parody.
Wesley: Well, guys, I guess I solved that problem...(Looks smug,
adjusts his Ray-Bans (ha, Ray-Bans indeed!!!)
(Computer Note: Since it is obvious that this particular writer is
Extremely obsessed with Death and Pot, we have decided to switch to
the original author, who is obsessed with Sex and Pot, and on a
whole is much less violent and far more hilarious if you have a
dirty mind.)
Postview: When we last saw our heros, they were in a doomed ship,
headed straight into the RingWorld. Will they reach the escape
Pods? Will they survive? Will this plot line hold up? Find
out...
Troi: Push Wesley, Push! Harder! Harder Wesley! Put your
muscle into it! I can feel your power! Harder!!!
As Wesley and Worf push the escape pod into the launching bay,
Riker, Picard, Data, La Forge, and the rest of the crew run into
the hanger bay, adjusting their uniforms. They jump into escape
pods.
Picard: If we don't get out of here soon, Number One, I will
never give you a raise.
Riker: I don't know, sir. That was a pretty poor line.
Speaking of lines... (opens a bag of Coke, the original
formula) This stuff is great! (Goes to back of escape
pod and does his thing)
Data: According to this formula, we will impact in 3 earth
minutes. This will be enough energy to shake up
1,200,000 billion milkshakes and find out the Caramilk
secret...(Leers at Troi)
Picard: Launch the shuttles!
Geordi: Launch!
Worf: Launch!
Wesley: Launch!
Troi: Groan...
On the ground below, a huge catlike creature and a old dude on
drugs are surveying the sky. Why? We need to introduce them into
the plot.
Speaker: Well, It looks like someone else got fu*ked over, eh Lou?
Lou: Yep, it looks like we're gonna have company...hope
there's some good women on board. Teela doesn't light my
lucky anymore...
For those of you who have never had the chance read RingWorld,
by Larry Niven, You've been fu*ked over...and your missing the
humor!
Enterprise: Well, I dumped those losers. Jeez, I'm such a
great ship! Why should special effects like me be
wasted on actors like that? Now I'll find me some
REAL actors! (Heads towards Dallas)
Worf: Sir, I suggest we land when ready...and set Phasers
on kill! I'm really sick of all this peace sh*t,
this isn't the '60's, and I'm a Klingon, and if I
kicked a little As*, our ratings would go UP!!!
Troi: I would like to see something go up...
Picard: Point taken, Worf.
Troi: I would like to take SOME point...
Westley: (Goosing Troi) Sir, what do we do now?
Far in the distance, a huge, floating tower comes into view.
It closes in on the crew, which is gasping in Awe.
Picard: How corny!
Riker: How much for an ounce!
Troi: How Phallic!
Louis: (looking down from a window) Hey, you folks look lost!
Data: According to all known data, we ARE lost.
Louis: Then do you wanna explore Ringworld with me??
To Be Continued....
Wow, was that good or what? Riker did an excellent job
acting, huh? What about the cleavage on that Troi? Don't you
think including Lou was a good idea? And the chance for Worf to be
more violent is great!
Will Troi continue to be the only female?
Will Wesley get a tower full of pleasure?
Will Worf get in a fight with speaker-to-animals?
Will Bob get a place in the story?
Will Riker stop using hard drugs and relize he's on public TV?
Who knows? Who cares? As long as D. R. Smith is dead...