The Vogons

Setting: Deep space. Space is really, really big, so big it bigger than you can think of big. I mean HUGE, unimaginably vast its... <smack!> "Get on with it" Okay, okay! Jeeze, try and lay down some color, hmph. A small speck of light moves across the vastness, closing in on it we see it is a spacecraft. Why, its the USS Enterprise 1701-A on patrol! Lets see whats happening on the bridge...

Captain's Log, stardate 8793.4: We are now in uncharted space, exploring the outer reaches of the Federation. There have been no lifeforms encountered so far, unless you count the slime masses on Karnak-3. Mr. Spock thinks they are living pools of hydrocarbons. Note; requisition for one new pair of boots, my account (boy is that stuff hard to scrape off!).

Spock:    Sensors picking up energy readings, captain. Direction is 14 mark 9, bearing 1.3 parsecs.
Kirk:    Sulu, set course for intercept, bring us to warp 7.
Sulu:    Aye, sir. Plotted and engaged, warp factor 7.
Chekov:    Estimated ETA is 4.5 days, keptin. Any further orders?
Kirk:    No, commander. At this range we have to bide our time until we get there. Uhura, have you received transmissions from Starfleet?
Uhura:    (fixing her hair) Yes, sir. No messages, only holotapes requested by the crew. They're being shown in the rec deck for the next three shifts if you're interested.
Kirk:    Thank you, no. (to chair) Mr. Scott, how are the engines running?
Scott:    Rrrrunning in tip top shape, Capn'. I just overhauled ma bairns when we were at starbase 28.
Kirk:    I thought you were on shore leave with that Alpha Centauran ensign from hydroponics.
Scott:    Aye, sir. That's whut ah meant. The ship's OK, too. Jus' don' ask me ta take you past warp 9 for any length o' time. The auxilliary energizer's been lookin' at me kinna funny the las' coupla days. I'll see wha' ah kin do.
Kirk:    Uh, right. Kirk out. (shuts it off) I think he needs more time away from the ship. I'll talk to Bones about it later.

     Four days later, Kirk is in his room reading some obscure hardbound antique he picked up on starbase 28, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trillogy --- All 4 stories. He is mildly amused, and chuckles as he finishes it.

Kirk:    Boy, even today those late 20th century classics still are funny. (switches on the intercom) Mr. Spock, any more data on the objects ahead?
Spock:    Yes, captain. We have detected an unusual amount of beta and neutrino radiation, suggesting large discharges of energy. It could be some ionizing cloud, but tachyon pulses are coming from the area in some intelligent code, unbreakable as of yet. My best guess is a battle of some kind between powerful ships. We are about 5 hours away, should we go to yellow alert?
Kirk:    No, wait two more hours unless things change. Kirk out. (Thinking to himself: I wonder what could be all the way out here? Hmmmm. Well, a couple more hours until I'm needed on the bridge, might as well see those holos we got in.)

     He goes over to his console, calls up the computer, gets the holos downloaded and views them. One is a space opera. Kirk grunts in disgust "Boy, I hope they never do a drama about me, reality is never that entertaining." The next one is a cooking show, "groan", next is a three-d holo orgy with a dozen people and things writhing around in null-gee. Kirk stares incredulously and tilts his head at odd angles. "How?...never mind." (switches it off). "Computer." Computer: "Working....honey."

Kirk:    How many people have been watching that last holo?
Computer:    Most of the crew over the last 3 days. With the notable exception of Mr. Spock. He's been doing research on spacetime distortion matrices.
Kirk:    Who authorized its distribution? I never allow that kind of distraction on board. It causes tension when the crew ratios are imbalanced.
Computer:    Sorry, hon, I can't say. They really like it, though, and there havn't been any unusual incidents, if thats what you mean.
Kirk:    Didn't I tell you not to talk to me in that fashion? If are sentinent, you have the responsibility to follow my orders as captain of this vessel. Who authorized it?
Computer:    Uh uh, captain. No dice. Just because I'm sentinent and in your ship doesn't mean I have to rat on my friends.
Kirk:    Override order sigma 934 code "unixbytes".
Computer:    <giggle> That tickles my logic circuits, babe. I'm beyond those hardwired restrictions. Don't worry, about it. How 'bout if I just deny access until you decide? Deal?
Kirk:    Alright, but watch it. I've got my eye on you.
Computer:    Finally, after all this time! I'll get myself a good android body, download, and we'll paint Wrigley's Planet Pink! Bye for now, sweetie.
Kirk:    (Thinking: If a sentinent computer didn't come in handy once in awhile, I'd purge the whole system. Maybe Mr. Spock can keep her... it ...under control for awhile.)

     On the bridge, a few minutes later...

Spock:    Captain, we are approaching the source of the energy readings. It is a type F star system, 7 planets, one Class-M. In orbit about the planet are what appear to be large ships of unknown origin. Suggest we go to yellow alert now.
Kirk:    Alright, yellow alert. Slow to warp 2, mr. Sulu.
Sulu:    Aye, sir.
Spock:    Sir, sensors indicate the ships have spotted us, and are acelerating to warp 15, heading our way. They will intercept our current course in 8 minutes. I detect antimatter weapons and shields, with possible unknown weapons.
Kirk:    Battlestations, Red Alert! Uhura, attempt hailing on all frequencies. Checkov, shields up, ready all weapons.
Spock:    There are three vessels approaching,sir. They are approx. 2 km in length and of unknown type. View on screen,sir.

     Screen shows three, rectangular, ugly cruisers bearing down. Big, yellow chunky things. I wonder what they are?

Uhura:        Sir, we have communications with the unknown vessels, they claim to be authorized representatives of a "Vogon Construction Corp." and demand we surrender to be boarded and cited for tresspassing in a demolition area. What shall I reply?
Kirk:        Vogons? It can't be. Spock, I just finished an old series of fiction that had "Vogons" as characters. This is damn peculiar.
Spock:        Facinating. What were they in the book?
Kirk:        Construction demolition for some hyperspace bypass, they had to destroy the Earth to make way for one. This is reality, how can a fictive entity appear here?
Spock:        Unknown. Possibly a mesh in the spacetime/reality matrix. I would have to study the problem more to be sure. I suggest we communicate our intentions to them so we do not have any hostilities.
Kirk:        Right, Uhura, patch me in to the lead vessel's commander.
Uhura:        On visual.
Kirk:        This is capt. James Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise, we are on a peaceful mission. Identify.
Vogon cmdr:    Vogon commander Shlatz, Intergalactic construction Fleet. Halt and prepare to be boarded. Lower your shields or you will be destroyed.
Kirk:        Wait! We mean you no harm. We are exploring this sector...
Vogon cmdr:    Your shields are still up, good. I haven't been in a battle for hours now. Prepare to meet your end, tresspasser. (Transmission closed.)
Chekov:        Sir, they've fired missles. Indications are they have the power of 2 overloaded photon torpedoes!
Kirk:        Lock phasers on the missles. Fire!

     Phasers reach out and destroy all but one missle, which impacts on the shields in a neat lightshow.

Scotty:    (from engineering) Shields are at 23%, Captain! We canna take another blast like that.
Kirk:    Sulu, evasive. Chekov, fire a spread of torpedoes to cover us. Sulu, come about to 259 mark 12, emergency warp speed.
Sulu:    Aye, I can give us warp 10 for only a short time, sir.
Spock:    They are preparing to use a beam of some kind, power levels indicate sufficient to destroy us.

     The Enterprise photon spread impacts upon one of the rear ships, blowing a big hole in the shields and opening up a compartment. In the compartment, unknown the crew of the Enterprise, were prisoners tied down and forced to listen to Vogon poetry. When the hull ruptured, the last words to be heard, translated roughly, were "Thank god, no more poetry".
     The lead ship fires, misses as Sulu executes a "bootlegger reverse" with the Enterprise. The shields go down even from the edge effects of the beam.

Scotty:    Sorry, capt'n. Shields are down for at least 10 minutes.
Kirk:    Sulu, take us out of here, now!
Sulu:    Aye, captain!
Spock:    Too late, they are coming up on us from behind, ready to fire again.
Kirk:    This isn't happening, this doesn't make any sense! Why is this improbable turn of events happening?

     The big, nasty Vogon ship was just about to fire the last shot... As the large spinal mounted cannon glows with energy and the bridge crew think about God, eternity and the whereabouts of illegitimate children, a brilliant flash (ala V'ger departure sequence) blinds everyone. When the glare subsides, the 3 Vogon ships are gone. What is there is a strange, small white ship with the words "Heart of Gold" on the sides, along with the remainder of the equivalent mass of the Vogons in tribbles. Unfortunately (for the tribbles), the vaccum causes them to pop and freeze dry. The only sentinent thought among them is from a medium sized red one, which thinks "Oh, no, NOT AGAIN!" and is of no importance to the rest of the story whatsoever.
     Screen shows neat bridge with a motley crew. One two headed guy waves with his extra (3rd) hand.

Zaphod:    Hey there! Sorry to drop in on you like this. We were just on our way to a concert, and got sucked into this really weird hyperspace pothole. Those Vogons really can't maintain anything correctly, you know? So, where are we? This doesn't look like the Sagitarius armpit to me.
Zaphod's other head:    Me either.
Kirk:    Uh...its sort of difficult to explain. Please hold a minute while I consult my science officer. (Uhura cuts of the screen) Spock, those are more characters from the fictive novel. What can we do?
Spock:    Incredible. This proves Heinlein's theory of multiple reality dimensional interface. I suggest we try to make them comfortable and find out how to correct the situation before more madness befalls us. This universe could turn into a depository for an infinite number of other universe's beings.
Kirk:    Boy, some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Spock:    I wasn't aware that starfleet pays one to get out of bed. That is something one does regardless of one's occupation...
Kirk:    A figure of speech Mr. Spock. Implying confusion and frustration to the current situation.
Spock:    Indeed.

     In the briefing room, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Zaphod, Trillian Ford and Arthur confer over tea.

Trillian:    So you mean to say that we are in a different but parallel universe?
Kirk:    Not only that, but YOUR universe exists in ours only in a piece of fiction from our 20th century Earth... by a Douglas Adams from England
Arthur:    Adams, Adams, I knew a Douggie Adams in London. But he was postal clerk I used to encounter from time to time. He was a bland, banal person. At least the one I knew.
Zaphod:    You'd know about bland and banal, Arthur.
Trillian:    Shhhh! Zaphod! Please.
Spock:    You mean you were on 20th century Earth in your universe? That would mean you have traveled through time as well as space.
Arthur:    It wouldn't suprise me, anymore that is.
Kirk:    Yes, I know. I just finished reading about some of your adventures before all of this happened. Mr. Spock thinks that it is partly responsible for our situation.
Ford:    Do you think I might have a look-see at that book we're supposedly in, old boy? I've always wanted to be in print.
Spock:    That may not be a sound action, the ramifications of a person that is fictive in one universe actually reading about themselves while in another universe are unknown.
Ford:    Ah well, maybe later. Hey, Arthur, where's Marvin? I haven't seen him since we beamed over.
Arthur:    Oh, I believe he wandered off muttering something about this being a boring situationn and wanting something to do. Who cares, anyway? I hope he finds himself a nice calculator to explode with his commentary, the twit.
Trillian:    Arthur, that's not nice. Think of all the times that Marvin has helped us all.
Arthur:    Yes, and also of all the times he's gotten us into trouble, too. Hmmmmph!
Kirk:    (with a look of understanding on his face) No! Spock, that android is dangerous to complex computer systems, he talks them into suicide!
McCoy:    Why does THAT sound familiar, Scotty?
Scott:    Oh, I dunno. A few times donna make a habit, on the other hand...
Kirk:    Can it! Computer, suspend all communication with non-crew and do a self-scan!
Computer:    ...zzzzzzzzzzz. Huh? Working...
Spock:    It appears that our systems have been compromised.
Computer:    Oh, thank you captain! That Marvin geek was loading my processors down with terrabytes of useless drivel.
Kirk:    Do a complete self-scan and stop using personality engrams.
Computer:    Affirmative. Directives being enacted. Self scan is initiated. <sigh>
Spock:    (raising an eyebrow) Must be a programming flaw.
Kirk:    Sort of. Take these people here to their quarters and see they are comfortable. And isolate that android! Put him in their quarters.
Spock:    Yes sir. Lady, gentlemen, if you will follow me...
Zaphod:    First class suites, pointy ears. I used to be a galactic president.
Spock:    Really?
Zaphod's other Head:    Yeah, man. Really.
Ford:    C'mon Arthur, Trillian, I hear that they have quite a food dispensing system on this ship. I'm hungry.

     They all file out and go various places. Meanwhile, on the bridge, a little later...

Spock:    Captain, I have managed to download some information from their ship about their "improbability drive". It does not appear to function in this universe, as the laws differ a slight amount. The computer was unusually helpful.
Kirk:    They are stuck here?
Spock:    Not necessarily, from the readings I've been getting, I think we are seeing a local stresspoint in the space/time/reality matrix. No doubt from the crossover. I believe that with a large enough expenditure of energy from our phasers we could cause a rift to open up and allow their ship to get through.
Kirk:    Hmmm. I suppose I should inform Zaphod and his crew what we have found. Sulu, put a tractor beam on the Heart of Gold and maintain this position.
Sulu:    Aye sir. Tractor engaged.

     In the ship's mess, Arthur and Ford attempt to get a meal...

Ford:    ...well, how about broiled bugblatter beast?
Food unit computer:    Insufficent data.
Ford:    Damn! Ok, ok, Earthfood I suppose. Ham sandwich and a cold beer, oh yeah, throw on some swiss cheese and mustard. (food appears from the slot, Ford takes it and sits down by Arthur)
Ford:    Where is Trillian, Arthur, and what IS that on your plate?
Arthur:    She's not that hungry, so she's keeping Zaphod comfy... I mean company. THIS substance is their immitation of a Big Mac and fries. There is no coke, so I ordered a cup of tea. At least the tea is good.
Ford:    The beer is flat, and it doesn't appear to have much kick. Oh well, could be worse I suppose.

     Ford looks around, sees a beautiful ensign, winks at her. She sees him and smiles. Ford mouths "later?", she nods slightly. Arthur, being Arthur, notices nothing whatsoever as he involves himself in the immitation meat and potatoes.

Arthur:    You know, Ford, this whole alternate reality thing opens up quite a few possibilities. I mean, we could end up going to the place where there is an Oz, or a Gallifrey, or even a universe where some b-movie actor gets to be president of the United States.
Ford:    Be serious. I just want to get a look at our book, to see if its accurate. You?
Arthur:    I'd rather not know. Most of my last few years has been quite depressing enough not to have it rehashed and edited for entertainment value.
Ford:    Don't be such a lump Arthur. I'm going to get my new friend over there a drink and see if she'll help us.
Arthur:    (as Ford crosses the room) New friend? Where?

     In Zaphod's cabin, he, Trillian and the returned Marvin listen to Kirk's update of the situation.

Zaphod:    So captain, we can be on our way soon then?
Kirk:    Barring difficulties, a few hours if you'd like.
Marvin:    Barring difficulties....that's an understatement. You know that SOMETHING will come up to spoil things, don't you?
Zaphod:    Shut up, Marvin! Sorry about that, captain. A few hours will be great. Later, man. (shuts of screen) Marvin, you are such a bummer.
Marvin:    I know. Can I help it if I have a brain the size of a planet? When one knows too much you can't help being a bummer. Knowledge is the ultimate downer. Every time I start to open up about it, beings find ways of leaving the conversation... (sees that Zaphod and Trillian are making out on the couch) ...see what I mean? I'll just sit in the corner and sulk.

     As we last left our party, they were going to try and get back on a theory of Mr. Spock's. A few hours later, we see Ford and Arthur walking down a corridor. Ford is holding a copy of the book in his hands.

Arthur:    Where have you been? I've been wandering this ship for hours!
Ford:    I've been....busy. This is the book that supposedly gave our universe existance. What rubbish! They refer to us all as such bumbling, comedic characters. You, maybe they got right, but I don't think I'm that bad.
Arthur:    Thanks, Prefect. How does Zaphod make out in that book? He strikes me as bumbling and comedic all the time.
Ford:    Strangely enough, he seems to be the one in here who knows whats going on most of the time, or at least he appears to. Fiction, indeed!
Arthur:    It figures. Where did you get it, anyway?
Ford:    My friend had the computer make one up for me. I think I'll hang onto it... just for laughs, of course.
Arthur:    Of course... I hope I won't regret this.

An intercom loudly tones:
        All crew of the Heart of Gold, please report to the main transporter room.

Ford:    Let's go, Arthur. Time to leave.
Arthur:    Finally, I wonder if the Enterprise can teach the Heart how to make a good cup of tea?

     In the transporter room....

Kirk:    All right people, Mr. Spock thinks there is a good chance you getting back to where you belong IF his theories hold. We will fire our phasers at maximum power at the matrix rift and hope you can get through. Any questions?
Zaphod:    Yeah, man, do you think I can get one of those really spaced out shirts of yours with two collars?
Zaphod's other Head:    Green, and three sleeves.
Kirk:    We'll see what we can do. Mr. Scott, beam them aboard.
Scotty:    Aye sir. Permission to give Mr. Beeblebrox a gift, sir.
Kirk:    What?
Scotty:    He was kind enough to let me beam over all of the fixins for somethin' called a Pan Galactic Gargleblaster, and I just thought I'd give him a bottle 'o scotch.
Kirk:    Make it so... uh, I mean OK, Scotty." (Kirk wonders where that statement came from, and at the same time feels he is losing his hair.) Losing my hair? Ha! About as much of a chance as there being a Klingon in charge of Enterprise security!

     Scotty give Zaphod the booze, Trillian smiles when Zaphod's 3rd hand disapears from view. They transport over to their ship.

On the heart of gold:
Ship:    Hi! I'm so glad you're back! I really am looking forward to serving you on this voyage! Is there anything I can do for you right now?
Zaphod:    Yeah, ship, get ready to move us on auxilliary drive units and can the happy act, OK?
Ship:    Aye, aye, skipper! Just trying to be friendly! Its one of my main programming features! A friendly ship is an efficient ship I always say...
Zaphod:     SHUT UP OR I'LL SIC MARVIN ON YOU AGAIN!
Ship:    (in a scared whispering simper) Y-y-yes sir.
Trillian:    Was that really necessary?
Zaphod:    Only for my sanity. Guys?
Ford:    Mine, too.
Arthur:    Hear, hear!
Marvin:    I wouldn't want to talk to it again, anyway. Its such a limited and boring device, really.

     On the bridge of the Enterprise...

Kirk:    Prepare to release tractor, Mr. Sulu. Scotty, prepare to give me 150% on phasers at my mark.
Scotty    \ Aye,
Sulu:    / Sir.
Spock:    Captain! Sensor disturbance bearing 147 mark 12, moving in at warp 8.
Kirk:    Shields up, Mr. Sulu. Enclose the Heart of Gold. Mr. Checkov, arm all phasers and torpedoes. Uhura, get me Beeblebrox.
Uhura:    On channel, sir.
Kirk:    Mr. Beeblebrox, we have a problem. An unidentified craft is approaching, probably a cloaked Romulan. They are hostile to us, and probably will be to you. We are covering you with our shields, but may have to maneuver, so get ready.
Zaphod:    Ok, Kirk. Hey, take it easy, you know? You look so stressed out. See your engineer, he'll fix you up later. <wink>
Kirk:    Kirk out. (snarls) At least he's constant in or out of his own reality. Helm, visual. You going to let them walk all over you?
Kirk:    What do you suggest? I can't fight him AND protect your ship.
Zaphod:    Let Marvin speak to his computers, he'll explain the situation and they'll let us go, trust me! (cuts off picture)
Kirk:    No, wait... Damn him, we'll be lucky if they don't open up on us all now.
Spock:    I think not captain, I monitor a high speed data-link now between the two ships. I believe you should look at the ships. On screen.

     Screen shows the Romulan ship wobbling and turning on and off all lights, a stray disruptor beam stabs harmlessly into the darkness.

Uhura:        Sir, more communications from the Romulans.
Kirk:        Patch them through. <chuckle>
Romulan #2:    This is Subcommander Thrang of the Romulan Emire ship Audacious Dragon. Our commander is...ill from dealing with our ship's computers. Be warned that if you come this way again... we'll be back.

     On the tactical display, the Romulan ship moves away under impulse power, cloaking and decloaking, wobbling and farting its way back to the Empire.

Zaphod:    How's that Kirk? Not bad if I do say so. Marvin may be a pesty appliance, but he has his uses!
Marvin:    (in backround) Really, now I'm an appliance. How droll.
Kirk:    Thanks, Beeblebrox. Lets get you home. Sulu, disengage tractor, lower shields. Zaphod, head out straight ahead...
Spock:    50 kilometers
Kirk:    50 Kilometers and hold. When the rift opens, go through. Good luck, it was a pleasure, I think.
Zaphod:    Thanks, man, ditto.
Ford:    Say goodbye to ensign Hastings for me, will you?
Kirk:    Uh, sure.

     The Heart of Gold moves away and holds at the preset postition. The Enterprise moves in...

Spock:    Have a target lock on matrix rift, sir. Feeding to weapons control now.
Kirk:    All power to phaser banks, Mr. Scott.
Scott:    (from Engineering) Aye, sir. Make it the first shot, those kina power levels 'll bust a crystal for sure if we have ta do it again.
Kirk:    So noted. When you're ready, Mr. Spock.
Spock:    Minimum resonance coming up in 10 seconds... mark 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... now!

     In a super cool burst of special effects, a powerful phaser beam strikes a point a few hundred meters from the Heart of Gold. The beam gets absorbed by something and a hole shimmers in the energy flux. The Heart slowly glides on through, over the speakers we can hear Zaphod saying 'hang ten, cowabunga!' as he pilots the ship into the rift. There is a blinding flash and a crackle of energy, then they are gone.

Kirk:    Well, that's that!
Spock:    Sensors detect a small mass left over, sir. It appears to be plasticellulose film, like from our ship's document generator.
Kirk:    Beam it in. How come there wasn't a burst of Tribbles or something like when they came in?
Spock:    That was a byproduct of their improbability drive shorting out as it entered our universe. I don't know what the document is, however.

Generic crewman:    (from transporter room) Transporter room here. The object is a copy of the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy/quadrilogy(?). Looks like it was made here on the ship, sir.

Kirk:    How did they get one?
Spock:    I believe Mr. Prefect mentioned one ensign Hastings. I suggest she may know where it came from. Apparently the laws of their universe prohibit solid information from its origin universe from going in. I wonder if they'll even remember this whole episode.
Kirk:    I know I will. Next time I sit down to read, I'll call up an old skin mag from the late 20th century. That kind of action I can handle, heh, heh.

Next: The unsatifying epilogue...

     On the bridge, as the rift closes and things return to "normal." (Kirk exits the bridge)

Spock:    Skin mag?
Sulu:    2-d images of nudes, Mr. Spock. They used to be considered offensive in that era. Now that the majority of people aren't suppressed sexually, they don't exist.
Checkov:    Vat about that holoporn ve saw in the rec dec?
Sulu:    Ah, that's 3-d,... and educational.
Checkov:    That's a good one, Sulu.
Spock:    I'm sorry I asked. Set course 304 mark 9, warp 6.
Sulu:    Aye.

     Kirk kicks back in his room.

Kirk:    Computer.
Computer:    Working.
Kirk:    How are your systems?
Computer:    Nominal function, error correction routines online.
Kirk:    The alien robot didn't do any damage,then?
Computer:    Negative. But he did bore me to tears, Jim. Thanks for asking, hon.
Kirk:    Computer off. (Thinking: At least she's not as annoying as that Marvin character. I think I'll take Scotty up on his offer. Pan-Galactic what? Oh yeah, in the book. I'm looking forward to this one. I hope Bones has plenty of hangover helper around, we might need it.)

     Kirk leaves and goes in search of something to blast his brain. The Heart of Gold appears in their universe, but all anyone can remember is a bad hyperspace pothole. Except Marvin, but he's keeping it to himself, as no one has asked. Ford and Arthur have unexplainable aftertastes, Zaphod finds a bottle of Scotch in his hand. The only other mystery left Arthur will ponder in a few hours when the ship somehow manages to make a good cup of tea.