STAR DREK

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Boobyprize. It's five year mission ... to sell T-shirts, toy phasers, plastic communicators, and anything else we can think of, to seek out new life in old plots and complications ... TO BOLDLY GO WHERE EVERYONE HAS GONE BEFORE ........................

STAR DREK

Captain's log stardate 6935.2: We are in orbit around the planet Schwartz.

Snotty:    Engineering to Captain Jerk ... engineering to Captain Jerk.
Jerk:    Jerk here, what is it Snotty?
Snotty:    Captain, the warp drive mechanisms are generating excess anti-matter, the pods are overloadin' now and if it continues at this rate I canna' be responsible for the safety of the ship.
Jerk:    Don't have a spaz Snotty.
Snotty:    Ach, but the whole ship gonna blow itself to pieces, Jim.
Jerk:    I want answers mister!
Snotty:    Well I tried shoving a wiener in the warp drive, but it didn't a do a bit a good. By the vye, would you have a wee bit of mustard up on the bridge.
Jerk:    Mr. Schlock??
Schlock:    No mustard Captain.
Jerk:    Analysis Mr. Schlock?
Schlock:    It would appear that Lt. Snott is about to eat a wiener without mustard.
Jerk:    As always your logic is impeccable Mr. Schlock, but I was referring to the emergency in the ships warp drive.
Schlock:    I would say that the program is at too early a stage to permit solving any serious difficulties, Jim.
Jerk:    Recommendation.
Schlock:    Suggest you wait for further plot complicatio, before undertaking corrective measures.
Jerk:    Logical Mr. Schlock, perfectly logical ... Dr. McCoy?
McCoy:    I'm a doctor, not a script-writer!!!!!!!!
Computer:    WARNING!! THIS IS A PLOT COMPLICATION. WARNING!! THIS IS A PLOT COMPLICATION.OMPLICATION.OMPL
Schlock:    Plot complication showing up on ship's sensors now, Captain. I'm switching to visual...
Jerk:    What is it Mr. Schlock?
Schlock:    Computer data is coming in now, Captain. It's just what we need, a giant negative space wedgy of great power coming right at us at warp speed.
Jerk:    Uh, Mr. Lulu, evasive actions.
Lulu:    Yes, Captain Jerk.
Schlock:    Evasive actions ineffective, Captain. The wedgy is turning with us and closing rapidly. Estimated time of impact is approximately 16.9 seconds. 15 ... 14
Jerk:    Bridge to engineering.
Snott:    Snott here Captain.
Jerk:    What's not there Snotty?
Snott:    I said 'Snott here', Captain.
Jerk:    Snotty, give me full power, get us out of here fast.
Snott:    Ach, I can'ta do it, the toilets have backed up into the warp drive it'll take time to make repairs.
Jerk:    Time? Mr. Schlock??
Schlock:    2 ... 1 ... Wipeout.

<<<<<<<< BOOOOM!! >>>>>>>>>

Schlock:    Readings are off the scale, Captain. I have not encountered this phenomenon before.
Jerk:    Damage report, Lt. Manura??
Manura:    uunna at li woot lis shalaken out here.
Schlock:    Fascinating.
Jerk:    What is it Mr. Schlock?
Schlock:    The force field seems to have passed through us and and entered the surface of the planet Schwartz. Yet tricorder readings fail to indicate any such energy from the planet.
Jerk:    Opinion Mr. Schlock.
Schlock:    Insufficient data, Captain.
Jerk:    Into the elevator, Mr. Schlock. Let's beam down to the planet's surface so I can find an alien to fall in love with before the program's over.
Schlock:    You usually do.
Jerk:    Ain't I somethin'? Uh, Mr. Lulu, you've got the con.
Lulu:    Thank you Captain Jerk.
Jerk:    Elevator, transporter room.
Elevator:    I'm fine, how are you?
Jerk:    Elevator, I said transporter room.
Elevator:    I'm fine, how are you?
Jerk:    Oh, forget it. Elevator to engineering, beam us down from here Snotty.
Snott:    Aye aye, Captain. you're locked on coordinates now.
Jerk:    Energize Mr. Snott.
Schlock:    Remarkable, there is no record of any such civilization as this on the planet Schwartz.
Jerk:    Look Schlock, here comes a car and feast your Vulcan squinties on that driver.
Schlock:    Far out, Captain Jerk.
Driver:    Want a lift, sailor?
Jerk:    As a matter of fact, I do. I'll say goodbye here Mr. Schlock. Now you'll have what you always wanted, command of the Boobyprize.
Schlock:    And you'll have what you always want.d.
Jerk:    What's that Mr. Schlock.
Schlock:    A bleach blonde in red convertible on planet Schwartz.
Jerk:    Ain't I sometin'? Well, say bye bye to Starfleet Command for me and I'll see you on Hollywood Squares.
Schlock:    Bye bye, Jim.
Schlock:    I thought he'd never go. Schlock to Boobyprize.
Snott:    Snott here Mr. Schlock.
Schlock:    What's not there Lt. Snott.
Snott:    I said 'Snott here', Mr. Schlock.
Schlock:    That's 'Captain Schlock'
Snott:    Aye?
Schlock:    Make it one to beam up.

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