Riker: Data, what is the purpose these seats, and the white
lines on the floor of the depression?
Data: Unknown, Commander. Note, however, that there are 101
such lines spaced exactly 0.9144 meters apart. Clearly,
Commander, this artifact is artificial.
Riker: Could it be the Borg?
Lt. Yarn: There are charred remains of Skateboard and Milk Crates
all over. That's a classic Borg signature.
Suddenly Worf runs up.
Worf: Commander, I am detecting emissions from the cooling
system of a 3090! It's them.
Riker: Let's get back to ship! Energize.
[Put neat promo sounds here. Cut to Toftree commercial.]
Scene 2: The Bridge.
Wesly: A large blue cube is rising from the planet to meet us.
Picard: On screen!
On the screen, we see the magnification of a large blue cube:
.................................................................. .VM/XA SP ONLINEXA SP ONLINE=====================================. . *********************** Computer & . .System Configuration:* * Information . . * Borg State * Systems . .IBM ES/3090-600S * University * Center for . . 6 Vector Facilities* * BORG Computing . .512 Million Minds * * . .512 Collective Minds * 2 0 4 8 9 * CBC . . 96 Mind Links * * . .0.5 Picasecond Clock ** **This system is only . . *** *** for use authorized by. .VM/XA SP 2 + PR/SM **** **** Intergalactic Borg . . *** Machines . .LOGON TLM108 RUNNING BORGVM . ..................................................................
The sound of organ music, combined with the weezing noises of an
oversized coolant system emanates from the speakers.
Worf: Captain, we have encountered the Borg.
Picard: Open a channel.
Worf: They are opening a telnet session with us.
Picard: Data, are we running the patched version of sendmail?
Data: Yes Captain, version 5.64 from Berkeley.
Borg: YOU HAVE NO PARKING PERMIT! PUT YOUR TRANSMISSION IN
NEUTRAL AND PREPARE TO BE TOWED!
Picard: But the sign said parking 7am to 7pm.
Borg: SIGNS ARE IRRELAVENT! PARKING IS FUTILE! YOU WILL BE
TOWED!
Data: They are attempting to intimidate your department head
sir.
Jordi: Sendmail daemondis being probed. Modulating Character
set. I think ASCII has them confused!
Lt. Yarn: Data, be prepared to use mixed case with all caps, they
have problems reading that.
Picard: Be warned, some of our people have tenure.
Data: Captain, Borg are going through personnel files. Borg
are firing our key personnel.
Picard: They can't do that. Load usenet feed. Fire a batch of
news.
Worf: No effect. They have disk space to spare.
Data: Captain, apparently they have sufficent computing power
even though their equipment is obsolete.
Picard: Break SMTP connection. Prepare to make a run for the
Toftree nebula in sector Boalsburg.
Data: Borg pursuing. We seem to have temporarily lost them.
Scene 3: Captain Picard is touring the ship.
Geynon: You look depressed.
Picard: It looks rather bleak, yes.
Geynon: When my University became a branch campus for the Borg,
we thought all Academic freedom and daytime parking had
died. But we survived. As long as a single good teacher
exists, you'll survive.
Picard: (Smiles grimly.) I hope so.
(Sound of thudding hitting the hull. Picard's communicator beeps.)
Picard: Picard here.
Worf: Captain, the Borg are mailing us pre-registration bills.
Can our VISA shields afford this?
Picard: No. Prepare to exit Boalsburg Nebula. Picard out.
Scene 4: The bridge.
Worf: Captain, the Borg have sent a message. The say that,
before they destroy us, if we like, we can send them a
check for their Alumni Association. They claim to be a
non-profit destructive hoard.
Picard: That'll be the Day! Fire up gnews!
Data: The Borg are now terminating accounts at random. They
will eventually nullify ours.
Worf: Home directory dissolving. Our quota is zero. All
system daemons dumping core.
A Borg materializes and ftp's Captain Picard to their ship.
Scene 5: Borg ship. With several leather jacketed Borg Cops
escorting Picard to head Borg.
Borg: WE WISH TO COMBINE YOUR STUDENT BODY WITH OUR OWN! YOU
WILL PAY TUITION. YOU WILL HAVE NO PARKING SPACE!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!
Picard: I will transfer first.
Borg: TRANSFER IS IRRELEVANT. DEATH IS IRRELEVANT. TUITION
INCREASES HOWEVER, ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.
Scene 6: Enterprises bridge.
Riker: I am going to lead the away team to rescue the Captain.
Lt. Yarn: Excuse me commander, but shouldn't I lead the away team?
I have more experience with VM/CMS than you do.
Troi: Well, Riker, Lt. Yarn does know how read all caps,
besides with the captain gone, who's going to plug
security holes?
Borg computer center: 4 Figures materialize.
Data: The Borg are based on a fascist, non-creative society
devoted to suppresion. They do, however, have powerful
machines with several Giga-bytes of data storage.
Worf: Can we knock out their power source? Or maybe a flicker?
Lt. Yarn: No good. They have an immortal power supply.
Jordi: Can we jam their virtual card readers?
Data: That would only work for a while, but they'd only start
up another virtual machine.
Lt. Yarn: Use your Dataswitch connections sparingly. They will cut
them off as soon you make a posting.
Worf: There's one! Phasors on kill! Shoot!
Riker (turning to Worf): Fire alt.flame postings.
Just like in the series, we are going to screw you over with a
cliffhanger. Will Borg fascism destroy academic standards? Will
anybody care?
..........................to be continued........................
Next week on Star Trek: The Next Generation: Data becomes a
hacker...
Riker: Data, you've got two minutes to break into the Borg
mainframe!