Genetic Drift-or-Grades of Shay


Written by:

Russell E. Billings (rebill02@ulkyvx.bitnet)

Robert W. Miracle (rwmira01@ulkyvx.bitnet)

Elizabeth Hildebrand (eahild01@ulkyvx.bitnet)

David E. Brooks, Jr. (brooks@disk.uucp)

Scott Marusak (usenetless)

Prelude

#include <external_shot_two.h>
The external shot fades to a view of the bridge. Riker is in the command chair, Data and Wesley are at the forward stations, Worf is at the rear console, Gomez is at the engineering station, and a few unnamed crew members are milling around in the back of the room.

#include <warning_beep.h>

Worf:    Commander, sensors have detected a small ship at extreme range.
Riker:    Can you make out what it is, Mr. Worf?
Worf:    Not at this range.
Riker:    Mr. Data, are there supposed to be any ships out this far?
Data:    There are no Federation or Klingon ships in this quadrant.
Riker:    Except us.
Data:    Actually, sir, we are not out here, either. At least not according to Star Fleet Record.
Riker:    Then where do they say we are?
Data:    The only entry for us is "Coming soon to a theater near you!"
Riker:    So what do you all think about this?
Wesley:    "This"? I think that this is an excellent word. I use it all the time to indicate what I am talking about.
Gomez:    It could be a new life form that we have never encountered before! I'm so exCITed!
Riker:    Calm down, Sonya. It could also be the Borg finally. [to ceiling] Bridge to Captain Picard.
Picard:    [Through the intercom] What is it, Number One?
Riker:    "It" is a third person singular pronounuthat has no gender, Sir, but that is not important right now. We have detected an unknown ship in an unusual section of the galaxy. We are investigating, but we need your skill at exploration in this.
Picard:    On my way. Picard out.
Data:    Commander, we could have easily handled a new race. It is part of every cadet's training at the Academy.
Riker:    Yes, but we have to let ole baldie do something, now don't we?

     Data pauses, thinks the last over, and is about to say something when Picard enters the bridge. Picard is shaving as he enters. He hands the cordless razor to Riker, who is somehow cut on the thigh by it.

Picard:    Bridge to Sick Bay.
Voice:    Yes?
Picard:    Doctor Bob, I am sending you your first patient.
Dr. Bob:    I have been *patiently* waiting for this.

     Sound of three people in the background laughing. View cuts to an operating room where a dog, a pig, and a member of the band are operating on the unconscious first officer.

Voice 2:    But Dr. Bob, the patient is bleeding!
Dr. Bob:    Don't go hog wild on me Nurse Piggy. If he could survive the final episode of the second season, he can survive this.
Nurse J:    Should we use the memory stimulation device on him again?
Dr. Bob:    I don't mind if I do. [all three laugh]
Voice of the Announcer:    And so ends another episode of Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next time when we hear Nurse Piggy say:
Piggy:    Shouldn't we put a tourniquet on the wound?
Dr. Bob:    Sure, but we'll need a lot of pressure. Something very heavy to place on the wound. [pases] You're heavy enough, Nurse Piggy; sit here and put pressure on the wound.
Piggy:    [Shouting in Anger] Haaaaiii-YAH! [Dr. Bob flies across the room]

     The curtains on the operating room close, and the scene changes to show two old men sitting in chairs.

Statler:    Sick jokes. [Both old men laugh]

     Scene shows Wesley talking to Gomez.

Wesley:    Here are the options: A neat sounding movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Cruise called Conan the Bartender; Freddy Kruger and the Muppets starring in A Nightmare on Sesame Street; Indiana Jones and the County of Bloom where the famed archaeologist is searching for the legendary Banana PC, Jr.; or Batboy starring Michael Keaton and Adam West as Cincinati Reds.
Gomez:    Go away Wesley. [Exits]

     A little green alien enters from the left side of the room and speaks:

Kermit:    It's Star Trek: The Next Parody, with our special guest stars, The Muppets! Yeaaaaaa!

     The curtains roll back revealing a stage. The entire crew of the Enterprise is intermixed with various fuzzy aliens. Music starts up and everyone begins to sing the following song:

CHORUS:
    It's time to play the music.
    It's time to dress up right
    It's time to get things started
    On the Star Trek show tonight!
    It's time to fire Photons
    It's time for Warp Drive
    It's time to engage engines
    On the Parody tonight!
    It's time to put on make-up
    It's time to light the lights
    It's time to get things started

Audience:    Why don't you get things started?
Kermit:    It's time to get things started

CHORUS:
    On the inspirational
    Celebrational
    Muppetational
    Star Trekational
    This is what we call the Parody!!!

Gonzo:    [blowing horn] BREEEEEEEEEEEP! [He looks at the horn in shock, it never worked before]

     Scene cuts to the second Star Trek: The Next Parody introduction. We watch the moon drop into Warp Drive and fly away from the earth, the light shows on the correct side of Saturn, but the rings are missing. The Enterprise flies by several times, always in a rush, but never getting anywhere.

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's ongoing mission: To explore strange new comedy, to seek out new life forms under cinema cushions, to boldly go where no parody has gone before.

Commercial Break

1.    Joe Isuzu drives back and forth in front of a competitor's showroom saying things like "Ask him if it has better milage." to the customer.
2.    This week we'll make: Stomped Steak. No other plastic bag can do that. Next week, Creamed Berries.
3.    Humpty Dumpty cinch sack - yet another garbage bag company.
4.    Hi! I'm Fenchurch, one of the operators here at MQ, and I'll be back with an exciting offer right after this:

Scene 1

     The bridge is shown from the back. Picard and Riker are standing up to get a better view of the approaching spaceship. Wesley and Data are sitting in their usual places. To the right of the screen and about ten feet above the rest of the bridge is a box with two old men sitting in it.

Riker:    Mr. Crusher, have you determined what that ship is yet?
Wesley:    What does this console look like, a science station? Ask the witch. [Indicates Gomez, who snubbed Wesley for a date]
Riker:    Right. Ensign Gomez, have you determined what that ship is yet?
Gomez:    No sir. It does not fit any known starship design. If I did not know any better, I would say that is was shaped like a great big pig.
Picard:    Good grief. Open Hailing Frequencies.

     The scene cuts to a picture of a Pig-shaped spaceship with three jet engines. A voice in an echo chamber says:

Voice:    And now it's time for, PIGS... IN... SPAAAAACE.

     The scene cuts to the bridge of the other ship. Three pigs (two males and one female) are visible behind their consoles. Suddenly, large chunks of ice start to fall from the ceiling.

Doc Strangeprok:    We are being hailed!
Link:    [Thonk!] Well, answer them.
Piggy:    But there is no one on this ship named "Well", Captain.
Link:    [Thonk! Thonk!] Then you do it, First Officer Piggy.

     View cuts back to the bridge of the Enterprise. Link Hogthrob, Miss Piggy, and Doctor Strangepork are all visible on the viewscreen.

Picard:    This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise representing the United Federation of Planets.
Link:    Who is? You did not point at anyone.
Picard:    I am.
Doc Strangepork:    But you said "This is" and you did not indicate anyone. By the way, who are you?
Picard:     I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise, representing the United Federation of Planets.
Troi:    [Aside to Picard] Captain, we may have to speak to them in their own language, like that other race when you first played Dixon Hill.
Picard:    [Aside to Troi] Shut up, you'll give the writers ideas.

Commercial Break

1.    Hello, This is Fenchurch again, here to tell you about the exciting new offer from Mortician's Quarterly. Order now at 1/3 the newsstand price, and receive this fabulous faux dirt ABOSULUTELY FREE. And if you are one of the first 20000 lucky callers, we'll even throw in this beautiful cockroach shipped all the way from Cambodia.
2.    The 7up dots hide out as pepperoni on pizza.
3.    Join the Weekend Anchor team every night at 6:00 here on Channel 1.
4.    Hi, I'm Fenchurch, one of the operators at K-Tel. I'll be back in a minute with an offer that you can't refuse. Yes, now you can own Jukebox from Hell, a collection of the all time most annoying songs ever played on the Radio. Here are some samples:      o Afternoon Delight      o Let's hear it for the boy      o Smooth Criminal      o Don't Worry, be happy. Hi, Fenchurch again. Order now, and receive the entire T. Baker album collection absolutely free! To order, call 1-900-555-4283 now.

Scene 2

     The crew of the spaceship have been transported over to the Enterprise (for some unknown reason), and their ship is being carried along in a tractor beam. View changes to 10-Forward, where a number of the fuzzy aliens have gone for refreshment.

Captain's Log, stardate 77340: For some unfathomable reason I have allowed the crew of the Henson to beam aboard the Enterprise. We have the Henson in tow, and are taking them to the nearest star base.

Wesley:    Bartender, I would like some Thalosian Chocolate, please.
Conan:    I was once a weakling like you, and if you keep eating this stuff, you will never get to be as big as I am.
Wesley:    I can never be as big as you.
Conan:    Franz and Hans have done it, so can you. [An axe flies over Conan the Bartender's head, and slams into the wall behind him. The source was apparently a giant alien in the back.]
Sweetums:    Gimme another beer!
Conan:    Dave, get that barbarian in the back corner another drink.

     LaForge enters 10-Forward and catches the Bartender's attention.

Laforge:    [Oof!] Hey, your attention is heavy, man. Here, take it back. [Throws in back to Conan, who deftly catches it]
Conan:    Thanks.
Laforge:    I took a look at this item you wanted me to identify.

     Pulls out a rod with a hand on one end] As best I can tell, it either allows you to cast the various Bibgy's Hand spells, or it is a +2 Backscratcher.

Conan:    Thanks.

     Camera pans across the bar showing a mixture of fuzzy aliens and Enterprise crew. The camera zooms in closer to the piano, where two chickens have begun to plink at the keys. In a few seconds, they begin to play Chopsticks quite well. At the end of the song, Riker walks in while talking to an alien wearing a big white hat. Will is carrying a skillet.

Riker:    You see, I told you that we could find eggs here. There are all of the chickens!

     The chickens fly around as Riker approaches. The alien in the hat sets up a pan and some other cooking utensils behind a counter. Some odd music starts up, and he starts to sing in his, uh, language(?). A few seconds pass, and the music stops.

Chef:    BORK! BORK! BORK! [Throws two spoons over his shoulders, and breaks the mirror behind him] Here-de schmere-de beer-de, de "Boiled Chicken" Fristdi, Ve need dee chickeepoo pud in da pot. Mi assistahnt [Indicates Riker] vill put de chickeepoo in da pot.

     The chicken is winning the fight with Riker. The Swedish Chef picks up the pot to help catch the chicken, and only succeeds in being put in the pot, himself.

Chicken:    Broawk! brok brok brok Broawk! "Boiled Chef" Brok, brok brok broWK BRowk! Brok Brok! flame on. [The chef escapes, and pandemonium results]

     The fight is so big that Worf is called in. When he arrives, the whole place, (Even Conan!) is pinned behind the piano with Sweetums pressing them against the wall. Worf looks at Sweetums, then at himself and exits. He comes back a few second later wearing a telegram carrier's clothes.

Worf:    CandyGram for Sweetums. CandyGram for Sweetums.
Sweetums:    I'm Sweetums.
Worf:    CandyGram for you, sir. [Worf turns, puts his fingers in his ears, and walks away very quickly]

*** BOOM! ***

     Debris flies out of 10-Forward after the CandyGram blows up. Worf re-enters to find Sweetums laying on the floor out cold.

Commercial Break

1.    Dial 1-900-FOO-LISH for the Chat-phone. Meet hundreds of people just like yourself.
     a.    [Blonde woman]I'm Fenchurch and I call all the time.
     b.    [Blond man]I lots of girls
     c.    [Red-haired woman] Sometimes I don't even say anything, I just sit and listen. Only $4.95 per minute. Don't ask your parents for permission.
2.    News Break, Walt Disney and MGM Studio's buys tons of felt from Jim Henson. Big Bird was not affected.

Scene 3

     The chickens (having escaped Sweetums in 10-forward) are seen entering the Leisure Bridge. The bridge is totally empty, except for them. They settle in the Helm and Navigation chairs, and begin to play Chopsticks on the consoles. The ship lurches, and the chickens are thrown from the chairs.
     Picard, Riker, Worf, Data, Gomez, and Wesley come charging onto the Bridge to find out what is going on. Seeing no one in the command chairs, they run to their places to regain control of the ship. Picard remains standing.

Picard:    Mr. Data, report!
Data:    Aye aye, sir. [Makes a sound like a large cannon being fired]
Riker:    He meant, "What is the status of our ship?"
Data:    [Giving Picard that "Why didn't you say what you meant, Putz" look] Oh. It seems that we are travelling at a velocity of Warp 12.1.
Riker:    12.1? That's impossible. No ship can travel that fast.
Wesley:    Apparently WE can, but we have to be flying in reverse.
Picard:    In Reverse?
Wesley:    .reverse in flying be to have we but ,can We Apparently
Picard:    Intriguing. [Starts to sit in his chair, without noticing the chicken]
Chicken:     BROWK ! Squawk! [Picard stands up, and the chicken runs away]
Picard:    Mr. Crusher! Get these chickens off my bridge!
Wesley:    Aye, sir. I'll put them somewhere where they'll be no tribble at all.

     Scene changes to show Riker sitting at a table in 10-forward. He is showing Data how to pick up a woman.

Riker:    Miss, can I borrow you for a moment?
Piggy:    Sounds simple enough. [All three head to a table]
Riker:    [to Data] Start with something like this: [to Miss Piggy] You are the most beautiful woman in the world. [pauses] But that may not work.
Piggy:    Yes, yes it would.
Riker:    You don't know how long I have wanted to say that.
Piggy:    But you were afraid ... of us?
Riker:    No, but of what our children might look like.
Piggy:    [Having finished with the small talk she grabs Riker] Come along.
Riker:    [being drug by the foot] Data! SOMETHING'S GOT ME!!!
Sweetums:    [Speaking as Data starts to help Riker] Touch him, and he flies.
Data:    You botched the quote. The oil slick said "Touch him, and he dies", not "flies".
Sweetums:    Sorry.
Sam:        More appropriately, "Touch him, and you die". Commander Riker notoriously commits despicable acts with multiple feminine beings. He is probably carrying millions and billions of microbes that can infect and destroy entire ecosystems of life in minutes. He is a threat to Intergalactic Health, and possibly as deadly as the comedian bear that we are so unfortunate to have to sequester.
Data:    Did you say that you all have a comedian in your crew?
Sam:        Yes.
Data:    Where is he? Can I meet him?
Sam:         Talk to the frog. He'll know where the bear is.

     Data is sitting in 10-Forward. The little green alien is talking to him.

Data:    So you're saying that your comic has "knocked 'em dead" for years? Does that indicate how good he is?
Kermit:    Well, in a manner of speaking. His punch lines are so bad that we had to register his jokes as lethal weapons last year.
Data:    Did he get his license to kill?
Kermit:    Only on UHF.
Data:    Ah. I'd like to meet him, if I may.
Kermit:    Fozzy!
Fozzy:    [entering from the right to the sound of trumpets] Hiya hiya hiya! Hey, nice starship you got here. Do you do music by Grace Slick?
Drums:    Ba-doom-doomp
Waldorf:    There's nothing slick about your act.
Statler:    Yeah, it's about as rough as Picard's razor stubble. [Both old men laugh.]
Fozzy:    Guys, can't you leave me alone long enough for me to show him [Indicates Data] how comedy should be done?
Waldorf:    Well, that'd be a little hard.
Statler:    Yeah, you don't know how comedy should be done. [Both old men laugh]
Fozzy:    [to Data] Don't mind those two. They like doing this to me.
Data:    [Awed voice] Impressive. I had always heard that it was impossible to get those two to laugh. You have done it in less than 2 seconds. Can I have your autograph?
Fozzy:    Me? My Autograph? Sure! [signs the paper]
Fozzy:    Thanks, Dah-tah.
Data:    Data. My name is Data.
Fozzy:    Data, Dah-tah, what's the difference?
Data:    [Thinks for a second] One is my name. The other is snot; and Dr. Pulaski used the last of my Kleenex.

Picard, Troi, Crusher, LaForge, Dr. Bob, and Worf enter 10-Forward.

Picard:    Wait a minute! Who is on the Bridge?
Wesley:    Commander Rikermis up there.
Picard:    Can he handle it alone?
Wesley:    Don't worry. He has good instruments.

     Temporary View of the Bridge. Riker and Zoot are playing a saxophone duet with the rest of the Dr. Teeth Band backing them up.

Picard:    "Don't worry". How can I be happy if my crew says "Don't worry"?

#include <warning_beep.h>

Picard:    Mr. Data, Report!
Data:    [pulls a strip of paper out of his mouth - It is stacked and collated] Here you go, Sir.
Picard:    [Takes report and hands it to O'Brien] O'Brien, what do you make of this?
Obrain:    This? I can make a hat; or a broach; or an Airplane; or...
Picard:    [Taking crumpled report from O'Brien] Gimme that. Mr. Data, what was that beep about?
Data:    That beep was about 440 Hertz, but that is not important right now. The computer reports that there is an immense power drain coming from the food dispensers.

     Scene changes to show a blue alien standing in front of a dispenser.

Cookie Monster:    Cookie! [a cookie forms in the dispenser and the Monster eats it] Cookie! [and so on ten times]

Commercial Break

1.    A supermarket shows lots and lots of vegetables being splashed with water - accelerating the rate that the food will rot at.
2.    Some twit wrestler wearing green and yellow war paint shouts about softdrinks that only Ernest would love, Vern.
3.    The Bic Macroscreen Dischargeable Razor. Shaves as close as a blade, or I'll give you your stubble back.
4.    And the Lady Bic, the perfect gift. Shaves without a Borg.

Scene 5

External shot of the Enterprise ... still flying in reverse.

Captain's Log, supplemental: I am retreating from the hectic situation on board my ship. This crew of the Starship Henson has nearly driven me nuts. However, I am about to witness a new medical procedure that may stop these parody writers from abusing my personal appearance.
     Scene shows Picard entering a laboratory. Two men in lab coats are visible, one with long red hair, and one with glasses but no eyes. The one wearing glasses turns to greet the Captain.

Honeydew:    Hello, I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew of Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today. [He is holding a clear liquid in a bottle that looks remarkably like no-wax floor cleaner] Today My assistant Beaker and I will demonstrate a hair growth product that will revolutionize the entire personal grooming industry. When this lotion is applied to bare skin, as my assistant Beaker is doing, there will be instant new hair growth in that location!

     Beaker puts some on his hands, and rubs it on his chin. Immediately, a beard begins to form. It grows at a high rate. Unfortunately, hair is also growing on his hands. This has alarmed Beaker.

Beaker:    Meep! Mee-mee-mee-meep! MEEP!
Honeydew:    Of course, you should always put on rubber gloves before you apply the lotion, as the hair will grow anywhere.
Picard:    [watching Beaker] I'll take it. [He applies it and his hair starts to grow. Picard smiles and exits]

10-Forward. Picard enters, with a full head of red hair. He is smiling very broadly as he sits next to Dr. Teeth and Floyd, the baseplayer.

Floyd:    Hey, Dr. Teeth! Animal finally showed up.
Dr. Teeth:    Quick! get the collar on him before he gets away. We have a gig to play with that Riker dude in 30 minutes.
Floyd:    O.k. [Slaps the collar and chain on Picard and hands him two drum sticks]

     All three exit as the REAL Animal is seen talking to Troi. Troi hits him with a right-cross and exits.

Animal:    What a WOMAN! [passes out]

     The scene changes to display the Enterprise Ballroom. A band is playing a waltz, to which many couples are dancing.

Troi:    [Waltzing into view with Floyd.] I hear that you play in the band. Are you important?
Floyd:    Yeah. You could say that I am the BASS of the whole group. [Both laugh, and waltz out of view.]
Piggy:    [dancing with Riker] So your name is William T. Riker. What does the "T." stand for?
Riker:    Time.
Piggy:    Time?
Riker:    Yeah. Time for a dip [Dips her off screen]
George:    [dancing with a purple alien] I hate these ballroom dances.
Mildred:    Then why do you come?
George:    I'm the janitor. I have to clean up afterwards. [They waltz out of view]
Laforge:    [Dancing with Gomez] I don't know about all of the aliens running loose on our ship.
Gomez:    Why not?
Laforge:    They seem to be taking control of all of our social functions. [Animal cuts in and dances with Gomez. Geordie hasn't noticed] They may even take you [he notices] away from me... Rats!

     VOOSH! 10 rats appear around LaForge

Packrot:    You called? [Laforge exits, followed by the rats]

     A view of the green alien talking to a blue alien and Fozzy behind a desk back stage.

Gonzo:    Hey, Kermit? Do you think that they will let me fire myself out of their Photon Torpedo tubes for the Grand Finale?
Kermit:    Gonzo! Get out of here. [Gonzo exits]
Fozzy:    Hey, uh, Kermit? Can I do another comedy skit?
Kermit:    I'm sorry, Fozzy. There just isn't time to let you do another comedy skit. We've already lost half the audience.
Fozzy:    Listen, Frog. This is my biggest break yet, and the chickens have had more air time that I have. I have got to prove to the Galaxy that I can be a real comic.
Kermit:    I'll see what I can do, but I have to introduce this number.

     The green alien exits to the right. The scene changes to the closed curtains, where the alien enters from the left.

Kermit:    And now for the Enterprise's very own Commander William T. Riker backed up by our very own Dr. Teeth band, performing the song, "One", YEA!!!!!!

     The curtains pull back to show the Recreation Deck. Riker and Zoot are standing in front with their saxophones, Dr. Teeth, Floyd, Janice, and Rowlf are at their usual positions. Picard's hair is still growing, and he is sitting at Animal's drums. The crew is sitting nearby, some in the swimming pool, some just eating cookies. The music is okay, but since Riker is playing, everyone claps. Picard goes into a drum solo over the top of Riker, which catches Animal's attention - Someone else is doing his schtick. Animal sneaks up behind Picard, and crashes two symbols together on his head. Another brawl results.
     After the brawl is cleared, Picard is in sickbay. Dr. Bob is trying to reverse the lotion applied by Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Worf is present.

Voice of the Announcer:    And now it's time for Veterinarian's hospital, where a quack has gone to the dogs.
Dr. Bob:    Sickbay to Muppet labs!
Voice of Honeydew:    I'm sorry, but Beaker can't come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and message at the sound of the Meep.
Voice of Beaker:    [in a pitiful whine] Meeeeeep!
Dr. Bob:    Nevermind, Honeydew. I'll fix it myself. Nurse Piggy! Pour the chicken soup on his head.
Piggy:    But, Dr Bob, what will that do?
Dr. Bob:    I dunno, but it worked for the Munsters! Hmmm. That didn't work. Worf, give me your dustbuster. Maybe that'll pull it out.

     Sure enough, the dustbuster worked. Picard looks like he did before.

Dr. Bob:    Success!
Picard:    [Standing] Mr. Worf, collect as many security people as you need and GET THESE PEOPLE OFF MY SHIP!
Worf:    No problem sir. [ touches communicator. tweedlesquirge] This is Security Chief Lieutenant Worf speaking. It is time to collect every piece of laundry and cloth on this ship to run it to the cleaners. Even though we have not fixed the error that destroyed every piece of felt that was washed, ALL fabric must be washed.

     Pandemonium is heard as the fuzzy aliens scramble back to their ship. The whole thing takes less than 2 minutes.

Picard:    Thank you, Mr. Worf.
Worf:    You're welcome, captain.
Picard:    My name is NOT welcome. It is Jean-Luc Picard.
Worf:    Aye, sir. Oh, one thing. Meet Acting Ensign Sweetums, my new second in command.
Sweetums:    Hello, Johnny-Lou!
Picard:    ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!