#include <external_shot_two.h>
The external shot fades to a view of the bridge. Riker is in the
command chair, Data and Wesley are at the forward stations, Worf is
at the rear console, Gomez is at the engineering station, and a few
unnamed crew members are milling around in the back of the room.
#include <warning_beep.h>
Worf: Commander, sensors have detected a small ship at extreme
range.
Riker: Can you make out what it is, Mr. Worf?
Worf: Not at this range.
Riker: Mr. Data, are there supposed to be any ships out this
far?
Data: There are no Federation or Klingon ships in this
quadrant.
Riker: Except us.
Data: Actually, sir, we are not out here, either. At least not
according to Star Fleet Record.
Riker: Then where do they say we are?
Data: The only entry for us is "Coming soon to a theater near
you!"
Riker: So what do you all think about this?
Wesley: "This"? I think that this is an excellent word. I use
it all the time to indicate what I am talking about.
Gomez: It could be a new life form that we have never
encountered before! I'm so exCITed!
Riker: Calm down, Sonya. It could also be the Borg finally.
[to ceiling] Bridge to Captain Picard.
Picard: [Through the intercom] What is it, Number One?
Riker: "It" is a third person singular pronounuthat has no
gender, Sir, but that is not important right now. We
have detected an unknown ship in an unusual section of
the galaxy. We are investigating, but we need your skill
at exploration in this.
Picard: On my way. Picard out.
Data: Commander, we could have easily handled a new race. It
is part of every cadet's training at the Academy.
Riker: Yes, but we have to let ole baldie do something, now
don't we?
Data pauses, thinks the last over, and is about to say
something when Picard enters the bridge. Picard is shaving as he
enters. He hands the cordless razor to Riker, who is somehow cut
on the thigh by it.
Picard: Bridge to Sick Bay.
Voice: Yes?
Picard: Doctor Bob, I am sending you your first patient.
Dr. Bob: I have been *patiently* waiting for this.
Sound of three people in the background laughing. View cuts
to an operating room where a dog, a pig, and a member of the band
are operating on the unconscious first officer.
Voice 2: But Dr. Bob, the patient is bleeding!
Dr. Bob: Don't go hog wild on me Nurse Piggy. If he could survive
the final episode of the second season, he can survive
this.
Nurse J: Should we use the memory stimulation device on him again?
Dr. Bob: I don't mind if I do. [all three laugh]
Voice of the Announcer: And so ends another episode of
Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next
time when we hear Nurse Piggy say:
Piggy: Shouldn't we put a tourniquet on the wound?
Dr. Bob: Sure, but we'll need a lot of pressure. Something very
heavy to place on the wound. [pases] You're heavy
enough, Nurse Piggy; sit here and put pressure on the
wound.
Piggy: [Shouting in Anger] Haaaaiii-YAH! [Dr. Bob flies across
the room]
The curtains on the operating room close, and the scene
changes to show two old men sitting in chairs.
Statler: Sick jokes. [Both old men laugh]
Scene shows Wesley talking to Gomez.
Wesley: Here are the options: A neat sounding movie starring
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Cruise called Conan the
Bartender; Freddy Kruger and the Muppets starring in A
Nightmare on Sesame Street; Indiana Jones and the County
of Bloom where the famed archaeologist is searching for
the legendary Banana PC, Jr.; or Batboy starring Michael
Keaton and Adam West as Cincinati Reds.
Gomez: Go away Wesley. [Exits]
A little green alien enters from the left side of the room and
speaks:
Kermit: It's Star Trek: The Next Parody, with our special guest
stars, The Muppets! Yeaaaaaa!
The curtains roll back revealing a stage. The entire crew of
the Enterprise is intermixed with various fuzzy aliens. Music
starts up and everyone begins to sing the following song:
CHORUS:
It's time to play the music.
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
On the Star Trek show tonight!
It's time to fire Photons
It's time for Warp Drive
It's time to engage engines
On the Parody tonight!
It's time to put on make-up
It's time to light the lights
It's time to get things started
Audience: Why don't you get things started?
Kermit: It's time to get things started
CHORUS:
On the inspirational
Celebrational
Muppetational
Star Trekational
This is what we call the Parody!!!
Gonzo: [blowing horn] BREEEEEEEEEEEP! [He looks at the horn in
shock, it never worked before]
Scene cuts to the second Star Trek: The Next Parody
introduction. We watch the moon drop into Warp Drive and fly away
from the earth, the light shows on the correct side of Saturn, but
the rings are missing. The Enterprise flies by several times,
always in a rush, but never getting anywhere.
Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship
Enterprise. It's ongoing mission: To explore strange new
comedy, to seek out new life forms under cinema cushions, to
boldly go where no parody has gone before.
1. Joe Isuzu drives back and forth in front of a competitor's
showroom saying things like "Ask him if it has better milage."
to the customer.
2. This week we'll make: Stomped Steak. No other plastic bag
can do that. Next week, Creamed Berries.
3. Humpty Dumpty cinch sack - yet another garbage bag company.
4. Hi! I'm Fenchurch, one of the operators here at MQ, and I'll
be back with an exciting offer right after this:
The bridge is shown from the back. Picard and Riker are
standing up to get a better view of the approaching spaceship.
Wesley and Data are sitting in their usual places. To the right of
the screen and about ten feet above the rest of the bridge is a box
with two old men sitting in it.
Riker: Mr. Crusher, have you determined what that ship is yet?
Wesley: What does this console look like, a science station? Ask
the witch. [Indicates Gomez, who snubbed Wesley for a
date]
Riker: Right. Ensign Gomez, have you determined what that ship
is yet?
Gomez: No sir. It does not fit any known starship design. If
I did not know any better, I would say that is was shaped
like a great big pig.
Picard: Good grief. Open Hailing Frequencies.
The scene cuts to a picture of a Pig-shaped spaceship with
three jet engines. A voice in an echo chamber says:
Voice: And now it's time for, PIGS... IN... SPAAAAACE.
The scene cuts to the bridge of the other ship. Three pigs
(two males and one female) are visible behind their consoles.
Suddenly, large chunks of ice start to fall from the ceiling.
Doc Strangeprok: We are being hailed!
Link: [Thonk!] Well, answer them.
Piggy: But there is no one on this ship named "Well", Captain.
Link: [Thonk! Thonk!] Then you do it, First Officer Piggy.
View cuts back to the bridge of the Enterprise. Link
Hogthrob, Miss Piggy, and Doctor Strangepork are all visible on the
viewscreen.
Picard: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise
representing the United Federation of Planets.
Link: Who is? You did not point at anyone.
Picard: I am.
Doc Strangepork: But you said "This is" and you did not
indicate anyone. By the way, who are you?
Picard: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise,
representing the United Federation of Planets.
Troi: [Aside to Picard] Captain, we may have to speak to them
in their own language, like that other race when you
first played Dixon Hill.
Picard: [Aside to Troi] Shut up, you'll give the writers ideas.
1. Hello, This is Fenchurch again, here to tell you about the
exciting new offer from Mortician's Quarterly. Order now at
1/3 the newsstand price, and receive this fabulous faux dirt
ABOSULUTELY FREE. And if you are one of the first 20000 lucky
callers, we'll even throw in this beautiful cockroach shipped
all the way from Cambodia.
2. The 7up dots hide out as pepperoni on pizza.
3. Join the Weekend Anchor team every night at 6:00 here on
Channel 1.
4. Hi, I'm Fenchurch, one of the operators at K-Tel. I'll be
back in a minute with an offer that you can't refuse. Yes,
now you can own Jukebox from Hell, a collection of the all
time most annoying songs ever played on the Radio. Here are
some samples: o Afternoon Delight o Let's hear it for
the boy o Smooth Criminal o Don't Worry, be happy. Hi,
Fenchurch again. Order now, and receive the entire T. Baker
album collection absolutely free! To order, call
1-900-555-4283 now.
The crew of the spaceship have been transported over to the
Enterprise (for some unknown reason), and their ship is being
carried along in a tractor beam. View changes to 10-Forward, where
a number of the fuzzy aliens have gone for refreshment.
Captain's Log, stardate 77340: For some unfathomable reason I have
allowed the crew of the Henson to beam aboard the Enterprise. We
have the Henson in tow, and are taking them to the nearest star
base.
Wesley: Bartender, I would like some Thalosian Chocolate, please.
Conan: I was once a weakling like you, and if you keep eating
this stuff, you will never get to be as big as I am.
Wesley: I can never be as big as you.
Conan: Franz and Hans have done it, so can you. [An axe flies
over Conan the Bartender's head, and slams into the wall
behind him. The source was apparently a giant alien in
the back.]
Sweetums: Gimme another beer!
Conan: Dave, get that barbarian in the back corner another
drink.
LaForge enters 10-Forward and catches the Bartender's
attention.
Laforge: [Oof!] Hey, your attention is heavy, man. Here, take it
back. [Throws in back to Conan, who deftly catches it]
Conan: Thanks.
Laforge: I took a look at this item you wanted me to identify.
Pulls out a rod with a hand on one end] As best I can tell,
it either allows you to cast the various Bibgy's Hand spells, or it
is a +2 Backscratcher.
Conan: Thanks.
Camera pans across the bar showing a mixture of fuzzy aliens
and Enterprise crew. The camera zooms in closer to the piano,
where two chickens have begun to plink at the keys. In a few
seconds, they begin to play Chopsticks quite well. At the end of
the song, Riker walks in while talking to an alien wearing a big
white hat. Will is carrying a skillet.
Riker: You see, I told you that we could find eggs here. There
are all of the chickens!
The chickens fly around as Riker approaches. The alien in the
hat sets up a pan and some other cooking utensils behind a counter.
Some odd music starts up, and he starts to sing in his, uh,
language(?). A few seconds pass, and the music stops.
Chef: BORK! BORK! BORK! [Throws two spoons over his
shoulders, and breaks the mirror behind him] Here-de
schmere-de beer-de, de "Boiled Chicken" Fristdi, Ve need
dee chickeepoo pud in da pot. Mi assistahnt [Indicates
Riker] vill put de chickeepoo in da pot.
The chicken is winning the fight with Riker. The Swedish Chef
picks up the pot to help catch the chicken, and only succeeds in
being put in the pot, himself.
Chicken: Broawk! brok brok brok Broawk! "Boiled Chef" Brok, brok
brok broWK BRowk! Brok Brok! flame on. [The chef
escapes, and pandemonium results]
The fight is so big that Worf is called in. When he arrives,
the whole place, (Even Conan!) is pinned behind the piano with
Sweetums pressing them against the wall. Worf looks at Sweetums,
then at himself and exits. He comes back a few second later
wearing a telegram carrier's clothes.
Worf: CandyGram for Sweetums. CandyGram for Sweetums.
Sweetums: I'm Sweetums.
Worf: CandyGram for you, sir. [Worf turns, puts his fingers in
his ears, and walks away very quickly]
Debris flies out of 10-Forward after the CandyGram blows up.
Worf re-enters to find Sweetums laying on the floor out cold.
1. Dial 1-900-FOO-LISH for the Chat-phone. Meet hundreds of
people just like yourself.
a. [Blonde woman]I'm Fenchurch and I call all the time.
b. [Blond man]I lots of girls
c. [Red-haired woman] Sometimes I don't even say anything,
I just sit and listen. Only $4.95 per minute. Don't ask
your parents for permission.
2. News Break, Walt Disney and MGM Studio's buys tons of felt
from Jim Henson. Big Bird was not affected.
The chickens (having escaped Sweetums in 10-forward) are seen
entering the Leisure Bridge. The bridge is totally empty, except
for them. They settle in the Helm and Navigation chairs, and begin
to play Chopsticks on the consoles. The ship lurches, and the
chickens are thrown from the chairs.
Picard, Riker, Worf, Data, Gomez, and Wesley come charging
onto the Bridge to find out what is going on. Seeing no one in the
command chairs, they run to their places to regain control of the
ship. Picard remains standing.
Picard: Mr. Data, report!
Data: Aye aye, sir. [Makes a sound like a large cannon being
fired]
Riker: He meant, "What is the status of our ship?"
Data: [Giving Picard that "Why didn't you say what you meant,
Putz" look] Oh. It seems that we are travelling at a
velocity of Warp 12.1.
Riker: 12.1? That's impossible. No ship can travel that fast.
Wesley: Apparently WE can, but we have to be flying in reverse.
Picard: In Reverse?
Wesley: .reverse in flying be to have we but ,can We Apparently
Picard: Intriguing. [Starts to sit in his chair, without
noticing the chicken]
Chicken: BROWK ! Squawk! [Picard stands up, and the chicken runs
away]
Picard: Mr. Crusher! Get these chickens off my bridge!
Wesley: Aye, sir. I'll put them somewhere where they'll be no
tribble at all.
Scene changes to show Riker sitting at a table in 10-forward.
He is showing Data how to pick up a woman.
Riker: Miss, can I borrow you for a moment?
Piggy: Sounds simple enough. [All three head to a table]
Riker: [to Data] Start with something like this: [to Miss
Piggy] You are the most beautiful woman in the world.
[pauses] But that may not work.
Piggy: Yes, yes it would.
Riker: You don't know how long I have wanted to say that.
Piggy: But you were afraid ... of us?
Riker: No, but of what our children might look like.
Piggy: [Having finished with the small talk she grabs Riker]
Come along.
Riker: [being drug by the foot] Data! SOMETHING'S GOT ME!!!
Sweetums: [Speaking as Data starts to help Riker] Touch him, and
he flies.
Data: You botched the quote. The oil slick said "Touch him,
and he dies", not "flies".
Sweetums: Sorry.
Sam: More appropriately, "Touch him, and you die". Commander
Riker notoriously commits despicable acts with multiple
feminine beings. He is probably carrying millions and
billions of microbes that can infect and destroy entire
ecosystems of life in minutes. He is a threat to
Intergalactic Health, and possibly as deadly as the
comedian bear that we are so unfortunate to have to
sequester.
Data: Did you say that you all have a comedian in your crew?
Sam: Yes.
Data: Where is he? Can I meet him?
Sam: Talk to the frog. He'll know where the bear is.
Data is sitting in 10-Forward. The little green alien is
talking to him.
Data: So you're saying that your comic has "knocked 'em dead"
for years? Does that indicate how good he is?
Kermit: Well, in a manner of speaking. His punch lines are so
bad that we had to register his jokes as lethal weapons
last year.
Data: Did he get his license to kill?
Kermit: Only on UHF.
Data: Ah. I'd like to meet him, if I may.
Kermit: Fozzy!
Fozzy: [entering from the right to the sound of trumpets] Hiya
hiya hiya! Hey, nice starship you got here. Do you do
music by Grace Slick?
Drums: Ba-doom-doomp
Waldorf: There's nothing slick about your act.
Statler: Yeah, it's about as rough as Picard's razor stubble.
[Both old men laugh.]
Fozzy: Guys, can't you leave me alone long enough for me to show
him [Indicates Data] how comedy should be done?
Waldorf: Well, that'd be a little hard.
Statler: Yeah, you don't know how comedy should be done. [Both
old men laugh]
Fozzy: [to Data] Don't mind those two. They like doing this to
me.
Data: [Awed voice] Impressive. I had always heard that it was
impossible to get those two to laugh. You have done it
in less than 2 seconds. Can I have your autograph?
Fozzy: Me? My Autograph? Sure! [signs the paper]
Fozzy: Thanks, Dah-tah.
Data: Data. My name is Data.
Fozzy: Data, Dah-tah, what's the difference?
Data: [Thinks for a second] One is my name. The other is
snot; and Dr. Pulaski used the last of my Kleenex.
Picard, Troi, Crusher, LaForge, Dr. Bob, and Worf enter 10-Forward.
Picard: Wait a minute! Who is on the Bridge?
Wesley: Commander Rikermis up there.
Picard: Can he handle it alone?
Wesley: Don't worry. He has good instruments.
Temporary View of the Bridge. Riker and Zoot are playing a
saxophone duet with the rest of the Dr. Teeth Band backing them up.
Picard: "Don't worry". How can I be happy if my crew says "Don't
worry"?
#include <warning_beep.h>
Picard: Mr. Data, Report!
Data: [pulls a strip of paper out of his mouth - It is stacked
and collated] Here you go, Sir.
Picard: [Takes report and hands it to O'Brien] O'Brien, what do
you make of this?
Obrain: This? I can make a hat; or a broach; or an Airplane;
or...
Picard: [Taking crumpled report from O'Brien] Gimme that. Mr.
Data, what was that beep about?
Data: That beep was about 440 Hertz, but that is not important
right now. The computer reports that there is an immense
power drain coming from the food dispensers.
Scene changes to show a blue alien standing in front of a
dispenser.
Cookie Monster: Cookie! [a cookie forms in the dispenser and
the Monster eats it] Cookie! [and so on ten
times]
1. A supermarket shows lots and lots of vegetables being splashed
with water - accelerating the rate that the food will rot at.
2. Some twit wrestler wearing green and yellow war paint shouts
about softdrinks that only Ernest would love, Vern.
3. The Bic Macroscreen Dischargeable Razor. Shaves as close as
a blade, or I'll give you your stubble back.
4. And the Lady Bic, the perfect gift. Shaves without a Borg.
External shot of the Enterprise ... still flying in reverse.
Captain's Log, supplemental: I am retreating from the hectic
situation on board my ship. This crew of the Starship Henson has
nearly driven me nuts. However, I am about to witness a new
medical procedure that may stop these parody writers from abusing
my personal appearance.
Scene shows Picard entering a laboratory. Two men in lab
coats are visible, one with long red hair, and one with glasses but
no eyes. The one wearing glasses turns to greet the Captain.
Honeydew: Hello, I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew of Muppet Labs, where the
future is being made, today. [He is holding a clear
liquid in a bottle that looks remarkably like no-wax
floor cleaner] Today My assistant Beaker and I will
demonstrate a hair growth product that will revolutionize
the entire personal grooming industry. When this lotion
is applied to bare skin, as my assistant Beaker is doing,
there will be instant new hair growth in that location!
Beaker puts some on his hands, and rubs it on his chin.
Immediately, a beard begins to form. It grows at a high rate.
Unfortunately, hair is also growing on his hands. This has alarmed
Beaker.
Beaker: Meep! Mee-mee-mee-meep! MEEP!
Honeydew: Of course, you should always put on rubber gloves before
you apply the lotion, as the hair will grow anywhere.
Picard: [watching Beaker] I'll take it. [He applies it and his
hair starts to grow. Picard smiles and exits]
10-Forward. Picard enters, with a full head of red hair. He is
smiling very broadly as he sits next to Dr. Teeth and Floyd, the
baseplayer.
Floyd: Hey, Dr. Teeth! Animal finally showed up.
Dr. Teeth: Quick! get the collar on him before he gets away.
We have a gig to play with that Riker dude in 30
minutes.
Floyd: O.k. [Slaps the collar and chain on Picard and hands him
two drum sticks]
All three exit as the REAL Animal is seen talking to Troi.
Troi hits him with a right-cross and exits.
Animal: What a WOMAN! [passes out]
The scene changes to display the Enterprise Ballroom. A band
is playing a waltz, to which many couples are dancing.
Troi: [Waltzing into view with Floyd.] I hear that you play in
the band. Are you important?
Floyd: Yeah. You could say that I am the BASS of the whole
group. [Both laugh, and waltz out of view.]
Piggy: [dancing with Riker] So your name is William T. Riker.
What does the "T." stand for?
Riker: Time.
Piggy: Time?
Riker: Yeah. Time for a dip [Dips her off screen]
George: [dancing with a purple alien] I hate these ballroom
dances.
Mildred: Then why do you come?
George: I'm the janitor. I have to clean up afterwards. [They
waltz out of view]
Laforge: [Dancing with Gomez] I don't know about all of the aliens
running loose on our ship.
Gomez: Why not?
Laforge: They seem to be taking control of all of our social
functions. [Animal cuts in and dances with Gomez.
Geordie hasn't noticed] They may even take you [he
notices] away from me... Rats!
VOOSH! 10 rats appear around LaForge
Packrot: You called? [Laforge exits, followed by the rats]
A view of the green alien talking to a blue alien and Fozzy
behind a desk back stage.
Gonzo: Hey, Kermit? Do you think that they will let me fire
myself out of their Photon Torpedo tubes for the Grand
Finale?
Kermit: Gonzo! Get out of here. [Gonzo exits]
Fozzy: Hey, uh, Kermit? Can I do another comedy skit?
Kermit: I'm sorry, Fozzy. There just isn't time to let you do
another comedy skit. We've already lost half the
audience.
Fozzy: Listen, Frog. This is my biggest break yet, and the
chickens have had more air time that I have. I have got
to prove to the Galaxy that I can be a real comic.
Kermit: I'll see what I can do, but I have to introduce this
number.
The green alien exits to the right. The scene changes to the
closed curtains, where the alien enters from the left.
Kermit: And now for the Enterprise's very own Commander William
T. Riker backed up by our very own Dr. Teeth band,
performing the song, "One", YEA!!!!!!
The curtains pull back to show the Recreation Deck. Riker and
Zoot are standing in front with their saxophones, Dr. Teeth, Floyd,
Janice, and Rowlf are at their usual positions. Picard's hair is
still growing, and he is sitting at Animal's drums. The crew is
sitting nearby, some in the swimming pool, some just eating
cookies. The music is okay, but since Riker is playing, everyone
claps. Picard goes into a drum solo over the top of Riker, which
catches Animal's attention - Someone else is doing his schtick.
Animal sneaks up behind Picard, and crashes two symbols together on
his head. Another brawl results.
After the brawl is cleared, Picard is in sickbay. Dr. Bob is
trying to reverse the lotion applied by Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Worf
is present.
Voice of the Announcer: And now it's time for Veterinarian's
hospital, where a quack has gone to the
dogs.
Dr. Bob: Sickbay to Muppet labs!
Voice of Honeydew: I'm sorry, but Beaker can't come to the phone
right now. Please leave your name and message
at the sound of the Meep.
Voice of Beaker: [in a pitiful whine] Meeeeeep!
Dr. Bob: Nevermind, Honeydew. I'll fix it myself. Nurse Piggy!
Pour the chicken soup on his head.
Piggy: But, Dr Bob, what will that do?
Dr. Bob: I dunno, but it worked for the Munsters! Hmmm. That
didn't work. Worf, give me your dustbuster. Maybe
that'll pull it out.
Sure enough, the dustbuster worked. Picard looks like he did
before.
Dr. Bob: Success!
Picard: [Standing] Mr. Worf, collect as many security people as
you need and GET THESE PEOPLE OFF MY SHIP!
Worf: No problem sir. [ touches communicator. tweedlesquirge]
This is Security Chief Lieutenant Worf speaking. It is
time to collect every piece of laundry and cloth on this
ship to run it to the cleaners. Even though we have not
fixed the error that destroyed every piece of felt that
was washed, ALL fabric must be washed.
Pandemonium is heard as the fuzzy aliens scramble back to
their ship. The whole thing takes less than 2 minutes.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Worf.
Worf: You're welcome, captain.
Picard: My name is NOT welcome. It is Jean-Luc Picard.
Worf: Aye, sir. Oh, one thing. Meet Acting Ensign Sweetums,
my new second in command.
Sweetums: Hello, Johnny-Lou!
Picard: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!