[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]
Riker: [looking puzzled] What the hell is Microsoft?
Data: [turning to answer] Allow me to explain. We will send
this program, for some reason called Windows, through the
Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command
unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate.
Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage
capacity?
Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it will
generate new requirements of itself known as an
"upgrades." The use of resources increases exponentially
with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for
their normal operational functions.
Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that
"unsolvable geometric shape" idea.
[... 15 Minutes Later...]
Data: Captain, We have successfully installed the Windows in
the command unit and, as expected, it immediately
consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not
received any confirmation of the expected "upgraded" yet.
Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have not
received anything regarding the "upgrade" to compensate
for their increase.
Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there
is something we have missed.
Data: Sir, I believe the "upgrade" has started. I detect
something called Windows95. Something seems to be
happening, their systems are starting to look unstable
and needing more system resources. Captain, their
systems seem to have locked trying to execute normal
operational functions. Wait, they are re-powering.
Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence Riker 3F.
Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0!
Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?
Data: Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows
module named Solitaire and it has used up all the CPU
capacity.
Picard: Let's wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce
their functionality.
[...Two Hours Pass]
Riker: Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?
Geordi: As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but
each time they successfully increase resources. I have
setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit
more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft
fun-pack.
Picard: How much time will that buy us?
Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours.
Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
Picard: Identify.
Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft
logo.
[Over the speakers]:
THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP,
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN
AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS.
Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.
Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.
Riker: Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can
they survive the tortures of deep space?!
Data: I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as
doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.
Riker and Picard: [horrified] Lawyers!!
Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.
Data: True, but apparently some must have survived.
Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with papers.
Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red
tape. It often proves fatal. The Borg are now attempting
to contact for help, but the MONOPOLY refuses to answer.
Riker: They're transmitting more modules, system overload is
eminent, it's tearing the Borg to pieces !
Picard: Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserve... that!