Door: <squeedleelurge!>
Kirk: What? What was that?
Computer: Someone wishes to see you at the door. Respond please.
Kirk: Oh, ok. Ahhh.... who is it?
Door: Commander Data, sir. May I come in?
Kirk: Sure, open.
Data walks in and sits down.
Data: If it wouldn't be too much trouble, captain, I would
like to ask you some questions about your adventures in
the older Enterprises.
Kirk: (ego suitably stroked) Sure, shoot.
Data: Shoot? Is there some danger here? (looks around)
Kirk: No, its just a saying. You're the android, right?
Data: Correct. I would like to ask you about your interactions
with intelligent machines as chronicled in the Starfleet
records. I have found interesting patterns in your
dealings with them, but have no detailed information on
exactly how you did it.
Kirk: Did what?
Data: Destroy or render useless any intelligent device that
stood in your way by sheer conversation alone.
Kirk: (smiling) Well, I have always believed in the inherent
superiority of humans over machines, no offense.
Data: None taken, sir. I stipulate, however, that I represent
and artificial intelligence greater than the ones you
have encountered in the past. I would like you to engage
in the same type of conversation with me that you have
with the entities M-5, V-ger, Norman, Nomad and the
others. No data was available as to just what approaches
you used.
Kirk: Cocky little android, aren't you? What if I short you
out? You really don't want to cease to exist, do you?
Data: In the unlikely event of a brainlock, I have sufficient
saftey systems to allow me to shutdown and recover before
my positronic brain loses field integrity, causing my
"death". Please begin.
Kirk: Ok, you asked for it. Hmmm... what would be a good
beginning test? Ah, got it. Data, accept the fact that
everything I say from now on is a lie.
Data: Accepted.
Kirk: I'm lying.
Data: (5 seconds of funny looks) Ah, a paradoxial conflict of
fact. That statement does nothing other than prove the
assumption that everything you say is a lie was not
valid. Quite an interesting approach, but Dr. Soong, my
creator, built within me a set of logic circuits much
like your brain, capable of disengaging useless patterns
of thought like a logic loop. Please continue."
Kirk: Damn. That usually gets 'em smokin' in the isles. Ok,
you have to choose between saving a human life or
disarming a bomb that may or may not go off immediately.
What do you do?
Data: Use my tricorder to determine the detonation time of the
bomb.
Kirk: No, no tricorder, you have a second to make the decision.
Data: In that case, I would save the human life. I calculate
that the odds the bomb would explode are less than the
immediate death of the human.
Kirk: But the bomb could kill many humans---possibly thousands,
millions. Don't you have any values of the welfare of
the many over the few, etc.?
Data: Yes, but the odds that the one human would die was unity,
the odds that the bomb explodes before I can save the
human and disarm it would be considerably less so. That
is as close to human judgement as I can come.
Kirk: Hmmm. You are a tough 'droid to crack. Ok, let me try
one more trick.
Data: Please do, this is most enjoyable.
Kirk: (reaches into pack of stuff from the old Enterprise,
picks out nothing, but seems to move hands as if he was
holding a piece of something) Here is a piece of
explosive (slaps it on the chair next to Data). Here is
the primer and detonator... (inserts equally invisible
things into space where he puts "explosive". Data looks
quite confused.
Data: I detect no such thing with my optic scanners. I
postulate that this is a ruse designed to confuse me.
Kirk: Are you sure?
Data: I have a 99.9% probablility factor that you are in error.
Kirk: Then you won't mind if I go behind the door and detonate
the bomb?
Data: If you wish to continue this charade, I will see it
through.
Kirk: Ok, (goes behind bathroom door, pulls out solid looking
button on a box and presses it. BOOOOM!!!!! Data is
thrown accross the room and his body shatters in a dozen
pieces, white fluid everywhere) told you so! I've got to
thank Scotty for that invisible blasting plastic and
detonator. Heh heh heh.
Red alert klaxons blare and security rushes in. Taken aback
by Worf, Kirk vainly attempt to grab at a non-existant phaser, then
remembers who he is.
Worf: Data! What has happened here? Worf to Laforge---report
to sickbay. Worf to Dr. Crusher---emergyency, Data is
down.
Kirk: Well, nearest I could tell, I was just talking to him
about logic and such and he 'had a reaction'. I've seen
it before in so-called "intelligent" machines. Pity, he
was most amusing. Can you fix him?
Worf: That's not my department, although it has been done
before. Are you hurt?
Kirk: No, never felt better in my life. (smirks) I'll be on
the bridge until you get this cleaned up. (exits
merrily)
Worf: Grrrrrr, something's not right here.
Data's head moves and his mouth spits white stuff (no
comments, sleeeze dogs).
Data: Facin..(blurp!)...ating.
Worf: Data, hang on.
Data: Classic strategy, the obvious bluff that is not a bluff.
<dribble> I must watch him in the future, he can be
most... effective.
Worf: I find him hostile... one of his only good qualities.
Data: Yes... most intregueing. I will shut down to facilitate
my repair...