Captain's Log (Log(captain) is the integral of 1/captain), Stardate
44622.1 and 35 seconds: The A. S. S. Entranceramp is currently on
the edge of the Romulan neutral zone. This really pisses the Roms
off.
Picknose: Status, Mr. Date.
Date: Everything's groovy, big guy. The Roms have absolutely
no idea we're here. Let's nuke the mothers.
Picknose: You're usage of human idioms is, ah, improving.
Strange "Beeping" noise, similar to that made by a smurf(tm) being
dismembered, but it's only the intercom.
Yar: Captain, someone's reporting a disturbance in the
cafeteria.
Picknose: Take Wharf and investigate.
Yar takes Wharf, right there on the bridge. They then exit,
picking up the ripped clothing.
Scene 1: The cafeteria, where atrocities that would make a Ferengi
cringe are committed daily. Yar and Wharf step out of the
elevator, carrying enormous phaser rifles.
Yar: What seems to be the trouble here?
Wessly: (cowering beneath table) It's the chocolate pudding!
It's trying to escape!
Yar: We can handle that!
She runs to food synthesizer. In front of the machine is a black,
sticky oilslick/pudding creature with a bad attitude. It's at
least 10 feet tall.
Yar: We, uh, come in peace.
Creature: I will kill one of you.
Yar: Well, peace doesn't work. (Fires phaser into creature)
It has no effect. The strange creature simply absorbs the energy,
and then emits a bolt that strikes Yar in the head and throws her
across the room.
Wharf: (grabbing communicator) Medical to the cafeteria. No
hurry.
Wharf: If you don't surrender immediately, I'll play a Barry
Manilow record.
Creature: NO! Not THAT! Anything else! (slithers back into food
synthesizer.)
The turbolift opens, revealing Dr. Flusher.
Flusher: Wessly! What have you done now!
Wessly: (whining) I didn't --
Flusher: \ Shut up,
Wharf: / Wessly!
Wharf: It's Yar, Doctor.
Flusher: (examining Yar) She's dead, Jim.
Yar: Uh, I'm not quite dead, doctor.
Flusher: Well, you've been mortally wounded.
Yar: I think I could pull through.
Flusher: I see.
Yar: Actually, I think I'm all right. I'll go back to the
bridge.
Flusher: No, no, you have to go to sickbay. I'll know for sure if
you're alive after the autopsy.
Yar: But I'm not dead! I just had the wind knocked out of me.
Flusher: I'm the doctor, I'll make the decisions. Now shut up and
act like a corpse.
Scene 2: The Holodeck. King Will Reeker sits naked on his throne,
while a dozen slave girls beg to be whipped.
Holodeck girls: Punish us, master!
Reeker's fantasy is interrupted by a noise like a small furry
animal being stepped on. It's that intercom again.
Picknose: Commander, you're needed on the bridge.
Reeker: I'm on my way. Damn. It was just getting interesting.
Scene 3: Bridge. Reeker, now back in uniform, enters.
Reeker: This better be good, baldy.
Picknose: We're about to go into the neutral zone. And 3 Romulan
cruisers will immediately decloak and surround us.
Reeker: How do you know what the Roms will do?
Picknose: I watched last week's preview.
Reeker: What is our course, Lt. Commander LaFarce?
LaFarce: I'm a Commodore now.
Reeker: And you were a Lieutenant jg just last season. The fact
that your father's a senator probably has absolutely
nothing to do with it.
Picknose: He asked what our course was, Commodore.
LaFarce: That way. (points forward)
Picknose: such precision.
LaFarce: What did you expect? I'm blind!
Picknose: Take us in, Mr. LaFarce.
External view. The mighty starship A. S. S. Entranceramp glides
past the camera. Strangely, the throbbing sound of its engines can
be heard in vacuum. Suddenly, three Romulan cruisers (suprise,
suprise!) decloak surrounding NCC-1701 DOA. Back to the bridge.
Picknose: Blue alert.
Blue lights come on. The siren sounds vaguely like the screams
made by a man with his hand in a Cuisinart.
Date: They're hailing us, captain.
Picknose: On screen. (to Romulan) Hello. Would you like to buy
some Girl Scout cookies? Made from real Girl Scouts?
Romulan Commander: What? Don't f*ck with my mind, Picknose. You
have invaded our territory.
Picknose: Oh, in that case, we surrender.
Romulan Commander: Excellent. Lower shields and prepare to be
boarded.
LaFarce: Some of us are bored already.
Picknose: Lower shields.
Reeker: (to intercom) Transporter room. Prepare to receive our
guests.
O'Brain: They're materializing now, sir.
Picknose: Unplug it.
Scene 4: Cut to transporter room. O'Brain pulls plug. The
transporter field collapses, spilling Romulan body parts all over
the platform. Dr. Pullassi enters.
Pullassi: Just getting something for my collection... (picks up
Romulan pieces)
O'Brain: Where's Dr. Flusher?
Pullassi: She's only gone temporarily. I'll disappear next scene
and never be mentioned again.
O'Brain: Gene works in Mysterious Ways.
Scene 5: Back on the Bridge
Reeker: Raise shields!
Picknose: Open a channel to the Romulan ship.
Picknose: (to Romulan) So, you think you could out-clever us French
folk with your stupid English running about and...
Romulan commander: You have committed an act of war! The Empire
will... (Wharf disconnects him.)
Picknose: Mr. LaFarce, prepare to... Where is he?
Reeker: Engineering, sir. You know how he gets promoted faster
than everyone else around here...
Picknose: It doesn't matter. Ensign Flusher, arm weapons.
Wessly: Weapons ready, sir.
Picknose: Fire at will.
(Wessly jumps out of his chair, grabs a phaser, and fires at Will.
Will disintegrates.)
Picknose: Not HIM, you dolt! He was going to be offered six more
promotions to captain this season!
Wessly: Captain, the Romulans have fired torpedoes. Shall I take
evasive --
Picknose: Shut up, Wessly! Never interrupt a superior officer. I
fear Lt. Wharf will have to teach you a lesson with his
cattle prod.
Wessly: But sir, we're all gonna die if I don't--
Picknose: Enough! Wharf, remove him from the bridge! Tie him to
your bed and do anything you want... use your
imagination.
Wharf: With pleasure, sir!
Wessly: It's not fair! Nobody ever listens to anything I say or
do! I might as well be Dan Quayle. (is carried away by
Wharf, still whining.)
Picknose: Mr. Date, fire at the Romulan ships.
Date: (looking up from the centerfold of 'PlayMachine') What?
Picknose: Kill 'em!
Date: Oh, sure, cap'n. (fires weapons)
After a few minutes of combat, all ships are only slightly damaged.
Picknose: Let's seperate the saucer section. (to intercom)
Commodore LaFarce.
LaFarce: What now, Captain? I'm halfway through a case of
Budweiser and I don't appreciate you interrupting me like
this.
Picknose: Not now. I need you to command the saucer section.
LaFarce: What fun. I'll be there as soon as I go to the bathroom.
Note: As bathrooms were never shown on the show, we can only
assume he used the transporter.
Date: I have a plan, captain. Send out a shuttlecraft...
Picknose: Make it so.
External view: A shuttle leaves the Entranceramp, penetrates the
shields, and docks with the Romulan flagship.
Back on Battle Bridge...
Picknose: It's in their ship. Now what's the rest of your plan?
Date: It's simple, captain. LaForge, Wharf, and I leap out of
the shuttlecraft-
Picknose: What?!
Date: I said we leap out of the shuttlecraft and ... oh.
Picknose: You've been watching Monty Python too much. Prepare for
seperation.,
Wharf: All nonessential personnel have been moved to the saucer
section.
Picknose: Begin seperation procedure.
Helmsman: Seperation complete, sir.
Picknose: Execute the "Picknose Maneuver"
Everyone adjusts their uniforms.
Picknose: The OTHER ONE!
The Entranceramp warps close to its own saucer section. It then
fires all torpedoes. The saucer section rips apart, its impulse
engines exploding, killing everyone on board and making enormous
amounts of sparks.
Picknose: That'll confuse them! Now let's haul ass out of here!
Date: Run Away! Run Away!
The secondary hull leaves Romulan space at Warp 9. The next day,
the officers gather in the briefing room. Picknose, Date, Dr
Flusher, Wharf, and Wessly are there. Wessly seems to be sitting
uncomfortably, perhaps because of what happened in Wharf's room
last night. Interpret this any way you want. (I know what you
were thinking, and get your mind out of the gutter!)
Picknose: Let us mourn our dear departed comerades, Commander
Reeker, Lieutenant Yar, and Rear Admiral LaFarce. The
ship seems so empty without--- (The door opens, and
Counselor Cleavage walks in.)
Counselor Cleavage: Sorry I missed this episode, but that's the
way my contract with Paramount is...
Picknose: Well, we didn't really miss you at all.
Counselor Cleavage: I sense deep anger.
Picknose: No, not at all.