PREFACE: This script has basically one purpose: To eliminate
Deanna Troi!!! Believe me, I know I speak for millions when I say
that her character deserves to bite the biggie. Well, I may not
REALLY be; but at least I'm overconfident enough to say it.
BRIEF PLOT SYNOPSIS: Deanna bites the biggie. One of a miasma of
colonized, unvisited-for-a-while, plot-infested planets is reviewed
by the crew for the Feds. Their investigations are routine and
normal, except that their inhabitants have a disease which their
immune system has adjusted to somewhat. It's the planetary version
of our common cold; a disease which is not fatal, but has no cure.
Deanna lays hands on a kid that she feels sorry for, and absorbs
the disease from the kid, but has infected herself! Her immune
system is no match for these bacteria, and if not for Crusher,
she'd really have gotten her lines cut short. As it is, she lives;
but... (read on!)
The Bridge: It's the usual beginning-of-the-show, zoom in from
the upper left to the captain shot; everyone's on the bridge in
their usual places just having a grand ol' time running the ship
like they always do.
Captain's log, Stardate 34871.4: I hate these logs. They're so
drol. Just once I'd like to sing an old song for one... wouldn't
Starfleet love THAT, huh? Oh, well. Anyways, we're approaching
the second planet in the Hydra-L4 system. 208 years ago it was
colonized by citizens from earth, and hasn't been checked on
lately. Seven members of the crew will represent the Federation
and beam down to check up on things. Appears pretty routine.
Picard: I hate saying that phrase. "Appears pretty routine"
always demonstrates otherwise.
Data: Approaching planet Nosedirt, Captain.
Picard: Nosedirt. NOSEDIRT. Couldn't they think of anything
better to call it? (Almost looks at the camera while
saying this, but deftly avoids direct eye contact at the
last moment) Yar, notify them of our arrival.
Yar: Yes, Captain.
Riker: Looks pretty quiet, Captain...
Picard: Yes, that's true -- but I have yet to figure out how a
planet looks noisy.
Riker: (Looks just left of camera, raises and eyebrow or two,
shoves out his jaw, and nods in that "Yup, just can't
dispute that kind of logic..." kind of way)
Picard: I wonder... [staring at the planet] [or rather, the
display's representation of it]
Riker: ...about what? [staring at the captain] [the real thing,
not a representation at all]
Picard: Well, Number One, I had once met a man on this planet.
An older man, must have been well over a hundred years
old. To most he would appear an insane old man -- his
house is a cave; when he speaks, he speaks in riddles --
but that old man won't leave my mind. The vision of him
in torn shreds of clothes, sitting in front of a fire
illuminating a dark cave, with hardly a posession or
worry in the universe... it follows me everywhere, Number
One. I must try to find that man.
Riker: [Thoughtfully] "Hmm... you remind me of a man I once knew
on Earth. He also spoke in riddles... I would ask him
about love, and he would bring up some analogy of diving
in a lake. It didn't make sense to me then, and only
begins to make some sense now...
Picard: I understand what you mean, but the man I speak of...
well, his speech is... [it's difficult to explain]... um
... different from what you're talking about. Hopefully,
you will see for yourself when we arrive.
Riker is a little puzzled, but nonetheless looks steadfastly
forward with The Captain at the viewer's dazzling, colourful, and
crystal-clear 10-foot high display of a planet looking much like
hundreds of other planets they've seen on their voyages.
Picard: [A little awe-struck] ...what a glorious view...
[half-second pause] Ahwell. Viewscreen off. [Turns to go
do something else] (I said a little, didn't I?)
Troi: [Grabbing her left temple, outstretching her right arm in
an overly dramatic way, and getting down on one knee with
eyes closed] Pain! Pain, Captain! [The melodrama is, at
best, awfully taxing] Pain! Pain and suffering! Oh,
PAIN!!!
Picard: [Rolls his eyes, thinking, Oh no, not again...] What IS
it [this time], Deanna?!?
Troi: [Grabbing his shoulders, overacting horribly] Oh, it's
PAIN, Captain! Pain! [Runs over to Riker, hugging him]
Pain! Pain and anguish! PAIN!!! [Riker doesn't
appreciate the whole scene too much either, but is at
least getting a hug out of it. Unfortunately, Deanna is
absolutely comic by now.]
Riker: Captain, isn't there something we can do about this?
Picard: I'm afraid not, Number One. Her contract won't expire
for many years yet.
Sick Bay: The Crushers are there; Wesley is reading something on
a terminal while momma's doing something important.
Wesley: Hey mom, this magazine has an article about the Ferengi
in it!
Beverly: [Uninterestedly; doesn't even look at Wesley] That's
nice, Wesley.
The camera has panned over behind Wesley so we can read over his
shoulder. There is currently a page of text on the right half of
the screen, with a picture of a mean lookin' Ferengi captain with
the standard earie expression that would make an eye, ear, and
throat doctor drool.
Wesley: This is really fascinating. I've never seen one before!
I never knew they looked... [Wesley turns the page, to a
full screen picture of the [naked] Ferengi women, all in
their cultural equilvalent of our barefoot and pregnant
description. Mind you, for Wesley and his budding
hormones, this is putting his one-size-fits-all underwear
to the test.] looked...like... like... this! [His eyes
are now about the size of two of his mother's petri
dishes]
Beverly: That's nice dear. I'll read it sometime if I get the
chance.
Wesley: Yes... Um, well, I'm going to my cabin to read the rest
of this fascinating article. See you later. [Whoosh! He's
out the door.]
Beverly: You can read it here if you want to, Wesley... [She looks
up in midsentence to notice the Sick Bay door closing,
and gains a surprised expression not from the closing
door, but Wesley's absence]... oh. [Continues with her
nearly all-important work]
Transporter room: Seven crew members are preparing to beam down:
Captain Picard, Tasha Yar, Deanna Troi, Data, Bev Crusher,
Meteorologist Jimmy Extra Fallopius, and Scatologist Fred Extra
Dolt. They assemble on the transporter stage.
Picard: Energize, Twit.
Transporting Officer Eldridge Twit: Doesn't do anything.
Picard: I said, Energize!
Twit: Doesn't.
Picard: Officer Twit, are you deaf?
Twit: No sir. You just didn't say, " CAPTAIN SAYS, Energize!"
Picard: What do you mean, you won't energize until I say,
"Captain says, energize..."
Twit Hears his cue, and energizes them in the middle of the
Captain's sentence.
[Noisy Teleporter Sound Effects: Wooo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!]
Scene: A grassy area, with an obvious surrounding city (i.e., an
urban park). There are only a few people around, mainly spectators
watching certain speakers speaking. If we listen closely, I think
we can hear a few while our characters get adjusted to the scene...
Speaker One: ...because if God had meant us to fly, he would
have given us tickets! I speak the truth! If you
believe, if Jesus has given you the belief of
twigs, of gelatin, of mesh patterns, then hear my
words...
Speaker Two: ...Post-its, I tell you! Post-its are the answer to
your every prayer and wish! As it is written in The
Bible, "And God said, let there be Post-its for
every pacified follower of my disciples and
agents..."
Yar: Captain, readings show nothing peculiar. I guess
you could say [glances at the speakers, pausing]
that everything's... normal. [It's difficult for
her to use that word to describe this]
Data: Captain, based on our current surroundings, I'd say
that this civilization is a little behind ours.
[Data, you are the master of the understatement]
Captain: Hmm. [Translation: You're right, but since I don't
have anything nice to say, I'm not going to say
anything.] Let's go find somebody important.
They begin to walk off, but before they do, Speaker One takes
notice of them, steps down from her folding chair, and goes to
greet the party. She is wearing a very old vintage T-Shirt and blue
jeans which are torn almost to the point of non-existence. Although
most of the detail on her T-Shirt has faded and blurred together,
one can barely make out the inscription on this artifact of
garments: Spuds McKenzie, the original party animal.
Speaker One: [Walking through the crowd towards the Enterprise
crew] Hello! I believe you're the Enterprise crew,
aren't you? I am Hortense Asphalt-Smythe, Speaker
of the Collective House of Bunches. I welcome you
to our humble planet Nosedirt. [She stands tall,
obviously proud of her clothing, which, due to its
age, is quite the height of fashion on this planet]
Picard: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S. Starship
Enterprise. Allow me to introduce my crew:
Lieutenant Tasha Yar, Communications Officer,
Deanna Troi, Ship's Counselor, Doctor Beverly
Crusher, Ship's Surgeon, Commander Data, Ship's
Navigator, and Jimmy Fallopius and Fred Dolt,
Ship's Extras.
Asphalt: A pleasure to meet you and your fine crew. I have
already arranged meetings for the rest of your crew
while we meet. Dr. Crusher, our Surgeon General is
waiting to take you on a tour through various local
medical facilities. Mr. Data, a group of technical
advisors awaits your arrival. Mr. Fallopius, you
will be strapped to a weather balloon so you can
study our weather. Mr. Dolt, you are free to
visit... [how does one phrase this nicely?] his
ni... er, your appropriate areas of interest.
Regretably, Ms. Troi, we had not planned any such
meetings for you. Would you like to accompany one
of your crewmates for the day?
Troi: If it is not too much trouble, I shall accompany
Ms. Crusher
Asphalt: Then it is settled. Follow me; I shall lead you to
your respective meeting points, and then we shall
begin our meeting, Captain.
Picard: Thank you, Ms. Asphalt-Smythe. You are most
courteous.
Some semi-dramatic music starts up now. It is music for a number of
short scenes to follow: the first is of Data standing, surrounded
by a few scientific looking types. The group is discussing
something utterly important to be certain, but it's just an
overview-type scene, and there is no sound except for the
orchastrated music. The next scene is of the Captain, seated at a
table with Ms. Asphalt-Smythe. The two are reviewing documents and
discussing business. The next scene is of Mr. Fallopius, literally
strapped, with what appears to be a large belt, to the side of a
very large balloon. Mr. Fallopius looks with great interest at the
sky about him, which he is rapidly ascending into. A large white
bird flies by, looking at Mr. Fallopius (if this is even possible)
with a rather surprised expression. The last overview scene is of
Mr. Dolt, kneeling over a toilet, stroking his chin in interest. He
gently depresses the flushing handle, at which point a giant gusher
of yellowish-brown water drenches his face for a full two seconds,
until the end of the scene.
The next scene is in a hospital, where Dr. Crusher and Deanna
Cooler than Charo Troi are reviewing the sick and disgusting.
Hospital Adminstrator: ...and over here, you'll see another fine
piece of expensive hospital equipment...
[which he is obviously proud of
amortizing the loan for]
The Hospital Adminstrator leads away, and Bev and Deanna are left
alone for a brief moment in a hallway of sick people
Troi: [Grabbing Crusher's arm with one hand, and her (Deanna's)
forehead with the other, closing her eyes, preparing for
another delivery of wretched overacting] PAIN! AGONY!
PAIN! AGONY! Beverly, this pain and agony is really
getting to me. All the pain and suffering in this place
is very taxing. It really is quite a draining thing. I
really, really, just wish we could help all these people.
I mean, it's a real bummer, ya know?
Crusher: I know, Deanna, but I'm sure it won't be much longer. How
many more pieces of equipment could they possibly have
afforded?
Troi: I see what you mean.
The two start walking to catch up with the Administrator, and find
him explaining a large, beige machine which looks like a Cuisinart
for a Hill Giant
Administrator: ...over a hundred million monets in interest
payments alone! So you can certainly imagine the
immense joy I received when the loan officer told
me, "Jimmy, you know you just can't be too certain
when it comes to melons..." [The coughing of a sick
child on a bed is beginning to drown out the
Administrator]
Troi: [Just chock full o' grief for the kid] Excuse me,
but what's wrong with this poor child, who is
suffering from so much PAIN! and AGONY!?
Administrator: Geez, I dunno. Let's see... [grabs a clipboard
from the bedside and makes an instant expert
diagnose -- odd that it's identical to the one
written on the clipboard already]... it seems that
the child suffers from asynchronoculacousticosis.
Crusher: [Confused] Well... what's that mean?
Administrator: [A little cocky that he thinks he knows something
she doesn't] WELL, Dr. Crusher, it's a disease that
something akin to the old-earth common cold: it's
non-fatal; in fact, it usually only lasts for one
to two terror filled weeks; but even so...
Crusher: [Interrupting his cockiness]... even so, it doesn't
have a cure. Yes, Administrator, I am familiar
with the properties of the common cold.
At this point, the camera starts panning over to Troi, who,
unnoticed, is beginning to touch the child's head with her hands.
She looks up, and a hint of pain crosses her lips, as she begins
twitching her head to the left and right, looking like a lacking
20's dramatic actress
Administrator: Oh... so you are. Yes, it's been infecting our
people for quite some time. We're not exactly sure
what started it; we've investigated various
possibilities for quite some time with no success.
Of course, it would be most helpful to launch a
full-scale, brute force investigation into the
matter. However, our research is severely limited
in this area by lack of funding...
Crusher: ...Lack of funding?!? But what about all these
unbelievably high-priced machines you've been
showing me all day!?
Administrator: Well, of course those machines are needed! [No
they're not, they just make him look good.] Those
machines must take precedence over that research!
We're talking about trillions of monets of machine
here, Doctor...
While all this is going on, Deanna has been sucking out the kid's
disease. Her face has been contorting with pain through this, and
she is nearly done, when Crusher glances at her and notices just
what the hell she's doing.
Crusher: Deanna! What the hell are you doing!?! [Crusher
begins to grab for Deanna to pull her away, but
realizes that that might not be a good idea, since
she's not precisely sure what Deanna is doing. No
matter; it is only a second after Crusher pauses to
debate what to do that Deanna is finished with her
task. Deanna loses her balance, and is caught first
by Crusher and then (a little late) by the
Administrator.] Deanna! Deanna!! [There is no
response -- Deanna is unconscious, with the back of
her right hand resting on her forehead, looking
much like Queen Victoria might have looked if the
Sex Pistols suddenly decided to have a party in her
living room while Johnny Rotten asks for Vickie's
hand in marriage by spitting on it and sucking her
index finger]
Administrator: [Quite confused] Wh - what happened to her?
Crusher: I'm about 90% certain I know...
At this point the child who Deanna has cured sits up and takes
notice.
Child: Um... Hello. I... feel good. Am I good now, Mr.
Doctor? [The child is not terribly old yet]
Administrator: [Obviously not a doctor at all, but Beverly looks
even less like one on this planet] Um -- well,
let's have a look at you, uh, Jenny... [Reading her
name from the clipboard] It appears that a person
does enter and exit the cave with some regularity,
as there are a few footprints already and the
cave's entrance is only slightly overgrown. They
enter the cave, with some apprehension.]
Picard: [Calling somewhat aimlessly for the old man] Hello!
Old Man! Are you here?... Hello!
Riker: Perhaps we should have rung the doorbell...
Old Man: [Appearing ratherasuddenly and unexpectedly]... or
at least said, "Knock-knock!"
Picard: Old Man! It is you! After all these years... I have
come to visit you. Do you remember me?
Old Man: [Awaiting something that hasn't happened] [pause]
Well? C'mon!...? [Anxiously awaiting Picard's next
phrase]
Picard: [Glances at Riker. Neither understand what the Old
Man wants.] I'm sorry?
Old Man: I said, you should say, "Knock-knock!"
Picard: [Puzzled] Um... alright, "Knock-knock."
Old Man: Who's there.
Picard: Jean-Luc Picard.
Old Man: Jean-Luc Picard who? [Smiling, in anticipation of a
punchline]
Picard: [Still puzzled] Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the USS
Starship Enterprise.
Old Man: [Smiles become confusion. He looks left and then
right, perhaps in hopes that one side of his brain
will find the humour in the punchline. It
doesn't.] I don't get it.
Picard: [Just as confused] I don't understand what you're
trying to get.
Old Man: The punchline! "Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the
USS Starship Enterprise." I didn't think that was
very funny.
Picard: It's not supposed to be funny!
Old Man: [His confusion dissolves, and the smile takes over
again] Ah, well - no matter. Why did the chicken
cross the road?
Picard: Old Man, do you remember me? I have come back...
Old Man: No, no! "To get to the other side!" Geez,
where've you been all your life, under a lump of
silly putty? You two sit down, I'm going to tell
you a great joke! [The two sit; they a really too
confused to do anything else right now. The Old
Man sits as well, to tell his story.] OK. There's
this woman, y'see, and she goes to a pet store to
buy a pet, of course. And she asks the pet store
owner, "Whaddya got?" And he says, "Well, you might
be interested in this bird. It's called a
Crunchbird..."
Riker: [Interrupting]...I've heard that one. "Crunchbird
my ass." [Reciting the punchline] [Picard looks at
Riker curiously, like Einstein might have looked at
someone if, after having slaved over developing the
General Theory of Relativity for as many years as
he did, he announces his success, only to have the
person next to him say, General Theory of
Relativity? I wrote one of those a few years ago.
Didn't you know that?]
Old Man: [Under his breath] Smartass. [Then, louder] Alright
then, here's another one. A Venusian prostitute is
being hired by this navigator, see? And he asks
her, How much for a night? And she says, Twenty
denarios, but you have to put the money in a sock
and give it to me that way. Well, the navigator is
a little confused, but he really wants the
prostitute, so he gives her the money like she
requests. He takes her to his ship, but it's made
of [snickering] RUBBER BALLS. She looks at the
ship in kind of a strange way, but she'll put up
with some strange things to make a few denarios.
So they go into the ship and into his bedroom, and
his whole bedroom is shaped like a breast! It has
a dome ceiling, with a big nipple at the top! Ha
ha... so anyways, she undresses and so does he, and
they get into bed, and have a really good time.
But later in the evening, she gets up, and stares
at the nipple in the ceiling. He wakes up to
notice her starting and says, Hey, why are you
looking at that nipple that way? [Snickering more]
And she says, [Almost cracks up thinking about the
punchline, but manages to save himself] Heh heh...
And she says... [With perfect timing, Picard's
communicator interrupts]
Picard: Picard here.
Old Man: ...No, of course she doesn't say, "Picard here."
She says...
Crusher: Captain, you'd better get up here. Something's
happened to Deanna.
Picard: On my way! [Picard and Riker get up and begin to
leave]
Old Man: Hey! You can't leave yet! I haven't told you the
punchline!
Picard: Mail it to us! This is more important!
Picard and Riker leave the cave. The Old Man is left, pouting
somewhat.
Old Man: Oh, bother! It seems like no one ever stays around. I
wonder if it was my breath again? [Starts walking away,
into the cave. Just before he goes off-camera, he
mutters:] They wouldn't have gotten it, anyways.
The sick bay: Deanna is lying oh-so-daintily on a bed, and Crusher
is waving various instruments over her. Picard and Riker rush in.
Picard: [Rushing in and up to Deanna's side] What's wrong, Bev
-er, I mean, Doctor?
Crusher: I'm not sure, Jean -er, Captain. She sucked a disease out
of some kid down there, and she's been unconscious ever
since. The disease seems to have a worse effect on her
than on the kid, though. [Speaks as she works feverishly
over our empathic cutey, who looks much like a princess
preparing for mummification in the position she's in]
Picard: Do you think she'll be alright?
Crusher: I really don't know. But it looks bad, darling -er,
Captain.
Picard: [Looks concerned for a moment, but suddenly realises that
this may be the key to finally get her off the show, and
nullify her contract! He smiles briefly at this thought,
but straightens out his lips with the remembrance of
something with a little more importance. He goes for the
exit, saying:] I'll be back. [He doesn't sound like
Arnold Schwartzenegger saying this, but he's not trying
to]
Riker: Captain! Where are you going?
Picard: [Pauses at the door frame and looks back. He tries to
lower his voice a little, as he's about to say something
kind of embarassing] I... I'm going to the bathroom,
Number One! [He turns to leave, but is stopped by Riker's
quick thinking]
Riker: But Captain! There are no bathrooms on this ship!
Riker's Thoughts: Deanna... my old flame... dying... am I
finally going to get my wish of never having
to see her schnozzy face again?
Crusher's Thoughts: Deanna... my friend... am I losing you?
Data's Thoughts: 1101010001010100100101010100101001... What is
"orgasm?"
Worf's Thoughts: Has that big-nosed foreign psycho-bitch kicked
yet? I hope they cremate her.
Sick Bay: It is a few hours later, and Deanna has given most of the
medical equipment a major work-out.
Crusher: [Punching the intercom] Captain, I think she's going to
become conscious soon...
Picard: [V-v-v-v-o-o-ooop! Rushing through the door, the captain
is by Deanna's side in an instant] Deanna? Are you dead
yet or, are you alright?
Troi: [Opens her eyes slowly and speaks weakly] Oh... oh...
Captain... pain... a-go-ny...
Picard and Crusher: [Looking up from Deanna, and at each other;
speaking in unison] She's OK.
Troi: ...pain... agony... [She is suddenly startled, opens her
eyes wide, and sits up with a start] Wait! No pain! No
agony! No nothing! [She looks at the Captain, clamps
her eyes shut, and tries real hard - nothing. She looks
at Crusher and tries the same - still nothing. She stares
ahead with sodden eyes, the kind on those drawings of
cats with eyes 10x the size of normal and weepily
cries...] ...I've lost it! Waaaaa-a-a-aahhahahaha... [She
starts to bawl her eyes out in a most obtuse and
obnovious manner]
Picard and Crusher: [are most confused. They look at each other
in confusion and then look at Deanna Crybaby
in confusion and yell] WHAT have you lost?!???
Troi: [Manages to blurt out]... I don't know what you're
feeling anymore! I'vvvveeee lllooossstttttt itttt!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHHH!!!!!! [She bawls
louder than ever, eyes shut and mouth wide open, and it
is most trying]
Picard and Crusher listen to this for a few moments, but Picard
then says what has to be said.
Picard: ... We've got to get her out of here!
Crusher: [Has some reservations, but then a snuffing blow of even
louder bawling clinches it] You're right. Let's discuss
it in the hall.
They exit to the hallway, but Deanna whining is still clearly
audible, even though those doors are supposed to be pretty
sound-proofed.
Picard: What are we going to do with her?
Crusher: I don't know! I don't think she's ever going to stop
crying. Maybe she could get a job as a lunch whistle?
[They look at each other for a moment...]
Scene: A futuristic, yet oddly reminiscent of an older
industrial-type, factory. Picard and Crusher are talking with a
foreman, who is somewhat overweight and brandishes a stupid-looking
normal black moustache.
Foreman: Well, I guess if we put her in the unused anechoic
chamber and open it when lunch comes around... yes, I
think that would be quite suitable.
Picard: Great. Here. [He gives the whining Deanna, spewing
fruitless liters of tears everywhere and making a general
mess, to the foreman] Sorry, Deanna, but... [Deanna
interrupts him with more crying, not from the the
goodbyes, but because that's about all she can do now]
[See what happens to spoiled kids?] Alright, alright!
Take her away!
The foreman drags off the spoiled little girl, and that's that.
Bridge: The camera aims at the main viewer, as the scene of the
planet they were orbiting gets farther and farther away.
Picard: ...and there she goes. Deanna is with us no more. But...
did we do the morally right thing? Did we abandon her
after all she has done for us? Should we have kept with
her, working and straining to make her what she was? Did
we give up and prematurely ejaculate the hope that she
could have gotten better; that her condition could have
improved; that she might have recovered eventually to the
person that she once was? Did we do the right thing?
Picard looks at the bridge crew for support and answers. A long
pause stagnates here, and the sound of silent thought is deafening.
After a long pause, the silence shatters with the quiet voices of
his crew.
Riker: ...Captain, her cleavage was driving me up the wall.
Yar: And all that "Pain" and "Agony" stuff! GIVE ME A BREAK!
Data: I agree with Lt. Yar, sir. Her responses were most
unfathomable, and didn't seem to benefit us in any way.
LaForge: Captain, you probably just put her to her best use so
far.
Worf: Captain, she smelled bad.
Picard: [Thinks about this for a moment, with a face of concern;
which then clears into a smile] Yeah, you're right. She
did smell funny. Take us out of here, Mr. LaForge - warp
2. Engage.
Str-r-r-r-e-e-e-e-e-tch!
Captain's Log, stardate 34943.6: [Singing] Cause everybody knows, she's a Femme Fetale, the things she does to ple-ease! Oh, she's just a little te-ease! When you see the way she walks... and hear the way she talks...