Booze Trek


     Booze, the wino frontier. These are the voyagers of the barship Bourbonprize. Its five-beer mission: To explore strange new clubs, to seek out new girls and new habitizations...to boldly go where no lush has gone before.
     (The Commander of this mission is Captain Jims T. Jerk, his first bartender Mr. Schlock, first midisual officer Rio McCoy, and mixoligy engineer Mr. Scotch. As we look in on this intergalactic binge, Mr. Schlock is analyzing a Klingon Wallbanger.)

Mr. Schlock:    Captain, an alien pimento is orbiting your barstool.
Jerk:        I'm aware of it Schlock, mix me a Romulan Martini, mine warp factor nine, Mr. Popoff. Full speed ahead Mr. Shulus and hold the ice. Status report Mr. Scotch?
Scotch:        I dunna' know how long we can hold out, Captain. The DT's are closing in on us and I don't like the looks of that bouncer.
Jerk:        Lt. Whoareyou, send a message to Barfleet headquarters, instruct them to cancel all happy hour activities until this black hole of a hangover has passed.
Whoareyou:    Captain, all lounge frequencies are open, and they aren't responding.
Jerk:        Keep trying, Whoareyou. McCoy, formulate a liquid for my aching head and have Mr. Scotch prepare it, will you?

Captain's log, Bardate: 6 minutes from last call. The Klingon wallbanger has paralyzed Schlock instead and McCoy had to resort to a Forbidium Seltzer Water to set him right. Shulus and Popoff have lost our bearings and we are headed for the DT zone at the end of the galaxy. Captain out...cold (THUD)!

Captain's log Bardate: 72134. Upon awakening from a 100-proof suspended animation, I found an Orion slave girl lip-locked on my phaser gun intent on draining all power reserves. Schlock and Scotchk have disappeared and are probably light beers ahead of the rest of us. Shulus, Popoff, and Lt. Whoareyou are all that remain. I defeated the slave girls objective by setting my phaser load on stun, causing her to choke. Shulus has set a course for Plato's retreat in hopes of finding the rest of the crew. The search for Schlock has begun. Jerk out.

Whoareyou:    Bridge club to Captain Jerk.
Jerk:        What is it Whoareyou?
Whoareyou:    Captain, we've found Schlock and Mr. Scotch. There being held on the planet Alanon, and at last report, were dying of liquid malnutrition!
Jerk:        I'm on my way. McCoy, prepare Shirley Temples for the entire crew, this is going to be a tough mission.

Captain's log, Bardate: Time for a drink. We rescued Schlock and Scotch by beaming down to the planet disguised is officials from Alcoholics Anonymous, and revived them with BSOP IV's until their blood alcohol levels were back to normal. I am retiring to my cabin with Lt. Reunite for a lengthy debriefing on her duties to the captain. Later.