Scene 1: Some planet deep in the Federation that no one has been
to. Riker, Data, Geordie are checking out the flora.
Riker: What do you make of it Data?
Data: It appears to be a large pod, but there are no roots. I
am not sure what it is. I think we would be better able
to examine it in a lab.
Geordie: Data's right. There's movement inside, but I can't see
it.
Riker: Of course not. You're blind. Transporter room, three to
beam up.
Riker, Data and Geordie dematerialize with the pod in Data's hands.
Scene 2: Biology Lab. Riker, Picard, Data, Crusher and Wesley are
examining the pod.
Wesley: Let me see! I want to see!
Picard: Shut up Wesley! Data, what do you make of it.
Data: It appears to be dormant at this time, Captain. I am not
quite certain whether it is harmful or not.
Picard: Hmmm. You mean it could be dangerous.
Data: I believe that is what I said.
Wesley: Let me see! I want to see! Why are adults always so
big.
Picard: Shut up Wesley!
Riker: It's my fault, Captain. I let him have ice cream for
desert. It won't happen again.
Picard: Worf, is the decontamination circuitry working on the
transporter?
Worf: No sir. I believe an engineer is working on the
transporter. Apparently, the decontamination circuitry
is inoperative. Do you want them to fix it?
Picard: Oh. Oh, yes, of course. Make it so. (to the rest) I
think it would best if we isolated the pod. I think we
should leave the lab until we know what we are dealing
with.
Everyone turns to leave except Wesley who moves closer.
Wesley: Let me see!
Picard: Shut up Wesley!
The pod opens and a strange alien creature attacks. It attaches
itself to Wesley's face and coils its thickly muscled tail around
Wesley's neck.
Wesley: Urghhh! Gluck! Guhhhhgghhh!
Picard: Thank you.
Crusher: Oh my god! It's got my son.
Riker: Wesley, I thought I told you no "seconds," remember?
Data: How interesting. It appears to be predatory, Captain.
Picard: Indeed. I think you are right.
Crusher: Will somebody do something!!!!
The door opens and Yar bursts in.
Yar: Wesley, didn't I explain to you about using aliens?
Stand back everybody.
Yar sets her phaser on full power and fires, blowing a hole in the
alien creature. Fluids from the alien flow all over Wesley's face
melting it down.
Crusher: Oh! What have you done! Wesley, speak to me!!!
Data: Wesley is unable to speak, doctor. As you can see, there
is a strange tubular appendage protruding down his
esophagus. I doubt the flow of air would be sufficient
to permit speech.
Picard: Good. Now let's get back to work.
Crusher: I'm not going to let this happen. I'm going to save my
son, no matter what.
Scene 3: Data and Geordie are sitting at their consols; Riker,
Picard and Troi are spreading in their seats; Yar and Worf are
playing space invaders.
Picard: Who farted?!!
Riker: Not me. (looks across at Troi who turns red)
Troi: (recovering) I feel guilt, but it's not mine. (looks over
to Data)
Data: I am an android, I do not fart. (looks at Geordie)
Geordie: If it had been me, I would have seen it. (looks at Worf)
Worf: Klingons fart only in airlocks. (looks at Yar)
Yar: As your Chief of Security, I'd know if it had been me,
sir. (looks at Picard)
Picard: Shall we take a vote on it? (everyone looks at Picard)
Intercom: Crusher to Bridge!
Picard: Picard, bridge here, er, I mean....
Riker: (smiling) You mean bridge, Picard here, right sir?
Picard: Yes! Thank you number one. What is it Dr. Crusher?
Crusher: I think you better come down here, Captain, it's the
alien, its gone!
Picard: It is, oh, is Wesley dead?
Crusher: No, he's alive.
Picard: Damn. Just what does it take to get rid of him? We'll
be right there. Lt. LaForge, you have the con.
Geordie: Aye, sir.
Picard, Riker, Data, Yar and Worf leave the bridge. Various other
individuals enter from several different doors.
Scene 4: Sick bay. Wesley's lying on the couch, as he sits up,
half his face falls on the floor.
Data: It appears Wesley has been picking his nose again.
Riker: It's my fault. It won't happen again.
Crusher: Wesley hasn't been picking his nose, it was the body
fluids from the alien that did this.
Yar: Found it Captain. (Yar picks up a rather large, beige
crab with a lizard's tail attached to it) It's dead.
Worf: Too bad. I would have enjoyed fighting it.
Picard: By the way, what about the decontamination Worf?
Worf: They are still inoperative, sir. If there are any it
would be an honor to fight them for you, sir.
Picard: (looking at Wesley) I would not think that ice cream
would not be inappropriate for young Wesley, don't you
think so number one?
Riker: I agree sir.
Data: (looking a bit puzzled) Captain, I tried to follow all
your negatives, but I am not sure I understand what it
was you said.
Riker: (returning with the ice cream) Here you go Wesley.
Wesley: Oh boy! (Wesley begins eating, but stops after a while)
I don't feel so good.
Yar: You see Wesley, ice cream makes you feel good while
you're eating it, but when it's done, you don't feel so
good. So say no to ice cream and you can have a figure
like mine.
Wesley's stomach pulsates, and then erupts in a mass of blood and
ice cream. A small head appears and flashes its teeth. Worf
flashes his teeth back.
Alien: Keeee-yeaaaahnnnn!!!!
Worf: Aaaaarggggghhhhhh!!!!
Yar: Watch it Worf! Don't make him mad.
Worf grabs a laser scalpel from a tray and attacks. The alien
retreats into Wesley's body cavity and Worf attempts to pursue.
There is a loud cracking sound as Wesley's rib cage is broken up.
Worf: (sounding like Curly) Wub wub wub wub wub!!!!
Wesley: (sounding like he's in pain) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH......
Data: Worf is now exhibiting the Klingon cry of glorious
satisfaction.
Picard: (looking at Wesley's dead body) I concur.
Crusher: Ohh..hh.hh.hhhh....hhhh! (sniff) He.. waszz huh huh.. my
only suh..huhhnnnn...uhhh!
Picard: (slapping Crusher) Get a hold on yourself doctor. There
are a thousand passengers and crew on this vessel. They
need you. I don't think anyone needed...."the boy."
Yar: Worf, did you get it?
Worf: No, it got away.
Scene 5: The bridge. Only Picard is there.
Picard: Captain's log, stardate 35.77: This alien has killed my
entire crew. I have tried to reason with it, but to no
avail. I have no other choice but to do a saucer
separation and make my way to the nearest starbase and
inform starfleet. I have located the alien on deck 12,
and will have the warp engines self destruct, killing
this most horrible beast, this creature formed from some
malevolent force, oh thou art such a cruel... uh, ahem...
Captain out.
Picard separates the saucer section and blows up the other half of
the Enterprise. While snoozing in his chair, he becomes aware of
a presence on the bridge with him. He becomes alert and readies
his phaser.
Picard: You!! You!! You've killed my crew, but I'll defeat you!!!
The Alien drools and picks its teeth. A flash of light behind
Picard causes him to turn.
Q: Go ahead, kill it. It's an unknown, it's dangerous.
What's the matter, Peck-hard, hair growing on the inside
of that chrome dome cause your brain to malfunction?
Picard: Q!!! So you're behind this. Where's my crew? What have
you done you murderous scoundrel?!!!!!
Q: Oh come now, mon Capitan. I'm just observing. I didn't
bring the alien aboard. You did. Shoot it. It's
dangerous.
Picard: No, No!!! I won't do what you want. We're civilized.
We aren't barbarians anymore.
Picard lowers his phaser and the alien attacks, biting off a chunk
of Picard's head.
Q: Captain Picard. I wasn't joking this time. I really
meant it, it's dangerous. I can't believe you fell for
the oldest trick in the book. Oh my. You foolish humans
will never amount to anything. Even Microbrain was
smarter than you.
Picard: (dying) Whaaat... what did you mean you weren't
joking...
Q: (looking like Wesley) Shut up Picard.