1. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
3. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of
good money.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the
tastes of finger foods.
5. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A
cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can
accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to
keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If
drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good
his manners are.
3. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
4. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency
to leave them alone for a few minutes.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that
were stolen from a cemetery.
3. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
men's bathroom wall two years ago."
4. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her
to school on time.
5. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall,
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will
end in frustration.
6. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for
your reputation.
1. What's a Theater?
2. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
3. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the
groom.
3. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it
is.
4. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
5. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective
but also a proven fly deterrent.
6. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty
appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun
is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
fit in.
7. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.