Identifying Your Needs
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you
should ask yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an
intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or
just lots of good old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the
first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.
The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be
loaded with the usual flashy accessories-large breasts, long legs,
blonde hair, etc. However, there is also a wide variety of
accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets. For example,
some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can
run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a list of
accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others
(such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed.
Determine Your Budget
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you
can afford. The answer is largely determined by your physical and
personal characteristics. If you are good-looking and/or have a
lot of money, commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you
will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the
other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes,
your choices are more limited.
Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your
selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend
can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice: Due to
inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually
increase with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether
to get a new or used girlfriend. The answer to this question will,
roughly speaking, be determined by your age:
Your age Used or New
13-18 years New
19-30 years Lightly used
31-45 years Extensively used
45+ years New***
*** Only if income exceeds $250,000/year.
Otherwise, "Divorced, with kids."
New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad
experiences to project upon you. The disadvantage is that they
will rarely be old enough to open a checking account. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable
performers, with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise
that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly
higher than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). This may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
CR's Methodology
For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated
group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average male
population. All tests were performed at CR's specially constructed
facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and
at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series
of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the
following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative,
looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are categorized by similarity. Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.
Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes
equipped with all of the options you want and none of the ones you
don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff
game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say
it, and break a bed with her enthusiasm. No mental or physical
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually
available.
Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the Goddess, but
comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband,
a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This
model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an
excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited
but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and
empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing your
friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor to fair
depending on quality.
Yeah, Her: The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available,
but useful only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to
be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CR wish you happy hunting!