The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that
men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way.
That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful,
glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device,
created by women because they know that men are undependable. So
in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over,
and she marries the next guy.
...on clothes
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why
does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in!
We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the
whole outfit here!"
...Traveling
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed
that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood
of the ambulance.
And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the
rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of
course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you
crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up
some business on the way back from lunch.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows.
Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to
have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV
antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's
in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich
jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are
sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the
pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe
this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something
mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground
for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left
the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray
by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh
about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do
you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
...that's odd
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash
into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this
interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you
have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror
and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's
a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would
fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into
the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is
another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the
other parakeet?"
Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of
them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat."
"I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it,
what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up.
"Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat. "The judge says,
"Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the
gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with
a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years
without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them.
Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not
much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on,
buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got
a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.