A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little... no, a
little more... that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts
of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment
chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
"Go to sleep, you little wretch!"
- or -
"Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you
children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak
another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course,
entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates,
the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the
point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow...
Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving
on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street
signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world
peace? I think not, my friend, I think not.
Goy: ...The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite
subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
"I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
"Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very
goyish. Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very
Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime
Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so
goyish that Jews won't go near them ..."
Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's
still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The
difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber
corpse is like the the difference between life and death.
You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay
Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East
Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first
left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety
degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, "Let me have a nice
half-done."
Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray
and Esther and hustle them off to prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured
day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks
them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she
can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry,
that's not possible, and turns to Murray.
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is:
"Why did God create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is
" somebody has to buy retail."
Shamus, n.: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks
around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in
the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The
cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am
nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh,
Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and
says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or
Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about
guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be
Jewish. Why is this?
Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think
you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or
lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.
You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you
hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?
Fat Chance.