America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after
him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia"
and changed its name to "America".
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy
chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white
Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of
Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721
B.C... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the
measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be
big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe
that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
and take all your teeth.
Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door.
Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.
Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in
distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then
give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in
great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little
green women you've got in the house.
If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat
Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor
car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant
that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the
electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught
Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing
a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of
bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a
crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever
was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished
with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits
big enough or strong enough to punch you.
Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the
history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1
April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the
Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St.
Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The
crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
Half a pound of tuppenny rice
Half a pound of treacle
That's the way the chimney smokes
Pope Goestheveezl
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears
of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when
Baron Hans Neizant Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in
1653.
The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the
gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often
bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform
Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently
and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where
it lives in hiding.
Some points to remember [about animals]:
1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants,
rhinoceri, hippopotamuses;
2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
front of your clothes;
3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or
dogs you have just kicked.
...The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international
anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick
succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up
for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to
play it.
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog
of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does
impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him
standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten
in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater.
The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe
across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to 'tender
and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into
becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport.
The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device
for castrating pigs during Sunday service.
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his
feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and
Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the
female padanga doesn't take it too seriously.
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love
ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees
until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.