Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
[From "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other
Tarradiddles"]
Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
pretty?
W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles
of bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to
have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in
Bolivia.
Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
W.C.: It's almost impossible.
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from
betting on people.
I don't drink water, fish fuck in it.
If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on
a buzz-saw.
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you
parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
[From "My Little Chickadee"] Once... in the wilds of Afghanistan,
I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food
and water for days.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.