And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have
nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
I met the surgeon general, he offered me a cigarette!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an
entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?"
He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some
rest!!"
I went to see my doctor. I told him, "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up;
What's wrong with me?"
He said, I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle
came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with
his wallet.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only
liked me as a friend.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you
don't mind I'd like a second opinion."
He said, "Alright, you're ugly too!"
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.
Last year, one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different,
when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?"
He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can
hide."
One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could,
but he pulled through."
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned
me over and said, "Look... twins!"