'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck
Trying to live in a world "politically correct."
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"vertically challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the Union to "stifle the soul."
Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wild by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with four pigs
(You know that looks stupid!).
The runners had been removed from the sleigh,
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe
Had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened".
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebb and flows,
Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose,
And had gone on Geraldo in front of the nation
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So half of the reindeer were gone and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was "Ms".
And as for the gifts, why he never had a notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
There could be nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him, nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute,
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored, or made lots of noise,
Nothing for just girls or just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's war-like or non-specific.
No candy or sweets - they're bad for the tooth,
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie that are all hidden
For they raise the hackles of those psychological
Who claim the only good gift was one "ecological."
No baseball, no football (someone could get hurt),
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe'
And Nintendo would rot your whole brain away.
So Santa just stood there dishevelled, perplexed,
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
(You've got to be careful with that word today!).
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable could be found.
Something special was needed,
A gift that he might give to ALL,
Without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion.
Every ethnicity, every view,
Everyone, everywhere - even you!
So here's that gift, it's priced beyond worth,
"May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace on Earth."