'Twas the Night Before Christmas Politically Correct
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck,
How to live in a world that's politcally correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not just use reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs, now isn't that [just] stupid!
The runners had been removed from old Santa's sleigh,
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.
And people had started to call for the cops,
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second hand smoke from dear Santa's pipe,
Had tree-huggers gasping for dear little life.
His fur-trimmed red suit had them quite frightened,
They said that poor Santa was "Most Unelightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
And had booked time on Oprah to tell the whole nation,
"I demand millions in overdue compensation."
So half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on, her title was Ms.
And as for the fits, why he'd ne'er had a notion,
That making a choice could cause such a commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute,
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clammored or made lots of noise,
Nothing for just girls. Nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender-specific.
Nothing that's warlike or from the Pacific.
No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the cackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gifts were those ecological.
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt,
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, to be thrown away,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there desheveled, perplexed,
He could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today!
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was ever to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to all without angering the Left or the Right.
A gift that would satisfy with no indecision,
Each group of people and every religion.
Every ethnicity and every hue,
Everyone, everywhere... and even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth,
"May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace on Earth."