Ode to the Chunnel


Why the English do not want a Channel Tunnel

by Tim Stone

There'll be carloads of Louises
From Parisian stripteases
Importing foul diseases
Into Kent.
There'll be modern French Wells Fargoes
Sending juggernauts with cargoes
Of frogslegs and escargots
And men's scent.

There'll be Dutchmen too, by jingo,
Who'll refuse to speak the lingo,
Coming over for the bingo
And the dogs.
And through this umbilical,
Seeking knickers from St. Michael,
Girls from Rotterdam will cycle
In their clogs.

There'll be Danes on every corner
Faces pink after a sauna,
trying hard to sell us porno
Graphic books.
There'll be men like Julius Caesar
Getting in without a Visa
Careless architects from Pisa
Bloody crooks.

There'll be wealthy German campers
With enormous picnic hampers
Full of sauerkraut and champers
And pork pies.
There'll be Eyeties slick and smarmy,
Reared on pizza and salami,
Turning up at Veeraswamy
Without ties.

There'll be Swedes of charmless candour
Coming over to Philander,
Spreading left-wing progaganda
About wealth.
Belgian Girls of vast proportions
Who failed to take precautions
Driving over for abortions
On the Health.

There'll be Spanish senoritas
Jamming all our parking meters
With their miserable pesetas
(I don't know !).
And senoras doing sambas
Shouting "vamos" and "caramba"
And believing that the amber
Light means "Go".

There'll be Austrians with poodles
Wanting membership of Boodles
Then demanding apple strudels
With their tea.
There'll be lecherous Kuwaitis
Driving lorryloads of Katies
From the Thames to the Euphrates

There'll be men from Lithuania
From Rumania and Albania
From Tasmania and Pennsylvania
I've no doubt.
So, dear immigration panel
Boys in sports jackets and flannel,
Please protect our English Channel
Throw them out!.