You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...


1.    All your kids are named "Joe"
2.    Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
3.    Cocaine is a downer.
4.    Instant coffee takes too long.
5.    Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
6.    People can test their batteries in your ears.
7.    People get dizzy just watching you.
8.    Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
9.    The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
10.    The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
11.    The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
12.    When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
13.    When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
14.    You answer the door before people knock.
15.    You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel.
16.    You can jump-start your car without cables.
17.    You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
18.    You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
19.    You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
20.    You can't even remember your second cup.
21.    You channel surf faster without a remote.
22.    You chew on other people's fingernails.
23.    You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
24.    You don't get mad, you get steamed.
25.    You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
26.    You don't sweat, you percolate.
27.    You don't tan, you roast.
28.    You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
29.    You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
30.    You get drunk just so you can sober up.
31.    You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
32.    You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
33.    You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
34.    You have a bumper sticker that reads: Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.
35.    You have a conniption over spilled milk.
36.    You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
37.    You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
38.    You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
39.    You help your dog chase its tail.
40.    You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate"
41.    You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
42.    You lick your coffee pot clean.
43.    You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
44.    You short out motion detectors.
45.    You ski uphill.
46.    You sleep with your eyes open.
47.    You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
48.    You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
49.    You speed walk in your sleep.
50.    You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House"
51.    You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
52.    You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
53.    You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
54.    You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
55.    You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
56.    You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
57.    You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
58.    You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
59.    You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
60.    You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
61.    You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
62.    You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
63.    Your 3 favorite things in life are: Coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
64.    Your Thermos is on wheels.
65.    Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
66.    Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
67.    Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
68.    Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with an I-V hookup.
69.    Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
70.    Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
71.    Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
72.    Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
73.    Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
74.    Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
75.    Your t-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."