1. 90% of everything is crud.
2. A $300.00 picture tube will protect a $.10 fuse by blowing
first.
3. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
4. A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
5. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
6. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
7. A free agent is anything but.
8. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to
stick in his mouth.
9. A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
10. All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
11. Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath
to the exact center.
12. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or
fattening.
13. Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than
you thought.
14. As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline
re-encounters turbulence.
15. Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone.
16. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
use it.
17. Celibacy is not hereditary.
18. Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy.
19. Enough research will tend to support your theory.
20. Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have
another drink.
21. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
22. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
23. Exceptions always outnumber rules.
24. Exceptions prove the rule... and wreck the budget.
25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
26. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
27. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
28. He who hesitates is probably right.
29. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
30. If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
31. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't
know what the hell is going on.
32. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
33. If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
34. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation,
no one will be at fault.
35. If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price
will be unreasonable.
36. If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier
machine.
37. If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw
it up.
38. If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
39. If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.
40. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of
incomptence, and then remains there.
41. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
42. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need
it.
43. Interchangeable parts won't.
44. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
45. Leakproof seals - will.
46. Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived
forwards.
47. Love letters, business contracts and money due you always
arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it
was sent.
48. Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.
49. Nature is a mother.
50. Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
51. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the
difference.
52. Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if
his is a good price.
53. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
54. Never eat prunes when you are famished.
55. Never play leapfron with a unicorn.
56. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
57. No good deed goes unpunished.
58. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
59. No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've
bought it, it will be on sale somwhere cheaper.
60. No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
61. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
62. One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
63. People who love sausage and respect the law should never
watch either of them being made.
64. Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
65. Quality assurance doesn't.
66. Self-starters - will not.
67. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
68. The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
69. The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in
paperback tomorrow.
70. The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side
down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
71. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required
on it.
72. The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the
softness of the butter.
73. The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
74. The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is
filled.
75. The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest
fish.
76. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an
oncoming train.
77. The more an item costs, the farther you will have to send it
for repairs.
78. The one item you want is never the one on sale.
79. The other line always moves faster.
80. The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the
strong, but that's the way to bet.
81. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like your
before.
82. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
reach.
83. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door,
fumbling for your keys.
84. The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that
users don't really know what they want, but they know for
certain what they don't want.
85. There is always one more bug
86. There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
87. To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
(Freudian Psychology)
88. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
89. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
your principles.
90. Trust everybody... then cut the cards.
91. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
92. When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the reapirman, it
will work perfectly.
93. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
94. When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones
will be illegible.
95. When there are sufficient funds in the checking account,
checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient
funds, checks clear overnight.
96. When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will
fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
97. Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
98. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached
their level of incompetence.
99. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
100. You never want the one you can afford.
101. You will always find something in the last place you look.
102. You will remeber that your forgot to take out the trash when
the garbage truck is two doors away.