Marriage


1.    A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"
2.    A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
3.    A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
4.    A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
5.    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
6.    A man inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!"
7.    A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
8.    A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "I don't care. Pack'em all! As long as you leave!"
9.    A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
10.    A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone! "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
11.    A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
12.    A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
13.    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
14.    A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
15.    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
16.    At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
17.    Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
18.    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
19.    Boring husband:    Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
    Bored wife:    Because I married the wrong man!
20.    Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
21.    Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
22.    Courtship is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog. Marriage is what actually comes up in your garden.
23.    First Guy:    [Proudly] My wife's an angel!
    Second Guy:    You're lucky, mine's still alive.
24.    Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, and you wish you had ordered that.
25.    Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
26.    How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
27.    How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
28.    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
29.    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
30.    If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
31.    It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
32.    It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
33.    Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
34.    Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
35.    Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
36.    Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
37.    Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
38.    Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
39.    Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
40.    My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
41.    My marriage is a continuous process of getting used to things I hadn't expected.
42.    My wife is just as beautiful as when I married her 20 years ago. Now it just takes her longer.
43.    My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
44.    Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment.
45.    Son:    Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
    Dad:    That happens in most countries, son.
46.    The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
47.    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
48.    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
49.    There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy institution of marriage. Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.
50.    Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.
51.    What's the difference between a vision and a sight?
    When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning she's a sight.
52.    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife.
53.    When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
54.    Wife:    Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband:    Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
55.    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street fat and bald and still think they are beautiful!
56.    Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.