If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press7. Your call will be transferred to
the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press. No one will answer.
If you are Dyslexic, press 969669969.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the pound button
until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
and grandmothers' maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully
press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the
beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again
later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our
representatives are busy.
If you are using a rotary phone, hang up now, no one can help you
anyway.