Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): You have an inventive mind and are
inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other
hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you
to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you
are stupid.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20): Take the high road, look for the good
things, carry the American Express card and a weapon. The world is
yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be
foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): You have a vivid imagination and often
think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor
influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of
your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward.
Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): You are practical and persistent. You
have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think
you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): You are a quick and intelligent
thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you
are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are
cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Good news and bad news highlighted.
Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you
forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around
you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars,
possibly to the men's room.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): You are sympathetic and understanding
to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are
always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything
of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22): You consider yourself a born leader.
Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are
vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.
Leo people are thieves.
Virgo (Aug 23 to Sept 22): Learn something new today, like how to
spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be
careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in
the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in
some of that old underwear you own.
Virgo (Aug 23 to Sept 22): You are the logical type and hate
disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are
cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love.
Virgos make good bus drivers.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22): You are the artistic type and have a
difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than
likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are
excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die
of Venereal disease.
Libra (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22): Your desire for justice and truth will
be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.
Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring
like that. Familiarity breeds attempt.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21): You are shrewd in business and cannot
be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of
your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): You are optimistic and
enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since
you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope
fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.