Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral


1.    Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
2.    Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
3.    Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
4.    Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
5.    At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
6.    At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7.    Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
8.    Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
9.    Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
10.    If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
11.    Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
12.    Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
13.    Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
14.    Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
15.    Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
16.    Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
17.    Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
18.    Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
19.    Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
20.    Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
21.    Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
22.    Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
23.    Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
24.    Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
25.    Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26.    Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
27.    Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
28.    Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
29.    Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
30.    When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.