A Dog's Pledge to their Human

1. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
2. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
3. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
4. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
5. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
6. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
7. I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
8. I will not eat other animals' poop.
9. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
10. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
11. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
12. I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
13. I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
14. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
15. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
16. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
17. I will not throw up in the car.
18. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
19. I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of "hangers-on" (a.k.a. Dingleberries).
20. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
21. "Kitty box crunchies" (Kitty Roca) are not food.
22. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
23. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
24. The garbage can is not a cookie jar.
25. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
26. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
27. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
28. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.