Contemplating Parenthood?


     Anyone contemplating parenthood (future, past, or otherwise), should read these handy tips. The following is a list of things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

1.    A 4-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
2.    A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
3.    A ceiling fan is strong enough to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
4.    A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
5.    A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
6.    A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
7.    Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
8.    Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, lots of it.
9.    Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
10.    If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
11.    If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
12.    If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes!
13.    Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old, but Duplos will not.
14.    Marbles in a gas tank make lots of noises when driving.
15.    McGyver and Tarzan can teach us many things we don't want to know.
16.    No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
17.    Plastic toys do not like ovens.
18.    Playdough and microwaves should never be used in the same sentence.
19.    Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
20.    Quiet does not necessarily mean, "Don't worry."
21.    Super glue is forever.
22.    The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
23.    The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
24.    The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy.
25.    Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
26.    There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
27.    VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
28.    When you here the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late.
29.    You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
30.    You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
31.    When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
32.    Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
33.    A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
34.    The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.