Bumper Stickers

1. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
2. 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
3. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
4. A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
5. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
6. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
7. All generalizations are false/All generalizations are false, including this one.
8. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
9. All men are idiots, and I married their King.
10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
11. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
12. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
13. Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
14. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
15. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
16. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
17. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
18. Born free... Taxed to death.
19. Cats....the other white meat.
20. Caution: I drive like you do.
21. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
22. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
23. Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
24. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
25. Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
26. Diplomacy: The art of saying "Nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.
27. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
28. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
29. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
30. Earth First! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
31. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
32. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
33. Forget about World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
34. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
35. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
36. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
37. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
38. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
39. God must love stupid people... He made so many
40. Grow your own dope: Plant a man!
41. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
42. Hang up and drive.
43. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
44. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
45. Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if..."
46. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
47. Honk if you want to see my finger
48. Horn broken. Watch for finger.
49. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
50. I brake for no apparent reason.
51. I carry a .357 Three nights a week... You guess which three!
52. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
53. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
54. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
55. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
56. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
57. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
58. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
59. I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
60. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
61. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
62. i souport publik edekashun.
63. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
64. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
65. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
66. I was an optimist, then my prescription ran out.
67. I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
68. I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
69. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
70. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
71. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
72. If you can read this, I can slam my brakes and sue you.
73. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
74. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalks!
75. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
76. Instant human. Just add coffee.
77. Instant vampire. Just add blood.
78. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
79. It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
80. It's better to burn out, than fade away
81. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
82. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
83. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
84. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
85. Jesus Saves... They Pass It To Gretzky... He Shoots... He Scores!
86. Keep honking, I'm reloading.
87. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
88. Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control.
89. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
90. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
91. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
92. Montana! At least our cows are sane!
93. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
94. My kid beat up your honor student!
95. My kid had sex with your honor student.
96. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
97. No radio - Already stolen.
98. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
99. Our Governor can beat up your Governor (Minnesota)
100. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
101. Part of the problem.
102. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
103. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
104. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
105. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
106. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
107. Rehab is for quitters.
108. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
109. Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
110. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
111. Seen on a woman's car: Men call us birds, we pick up worms.
112. Sex on Television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
113. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
114. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
115. So many stupid people... so few comets.
116. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill/shoot them.
117. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
118. Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
119. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
120. Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
121. Telepath Wanted. You know where to apply.
122. Tell me to stuff it - I'm a taxidermist.
123. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
124. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
125. The more you complain, the longer God lets/makes you live.
126. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
127. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
128. Think "honk" if you're a telepath.
129. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
130. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
131. Tow-ers will be violated
132. Trees: Nature's way of saying your driving sucks.
133. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
134. Visualize Whirrled Peas.
135. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
136. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
137. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
138. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
139. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
140. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
141. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
142. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
143. Which came first? The woman or the department store?
144. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
145. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
146. Wink, I'll do the rest.
147. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
148. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
149. You are depriving some poor village of its Idiot.
150. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
151. Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.