Creative Answering Machine Messages

by Bob

Edited and appended to by Scott Ichniowski

Answering machines messages can be quite creative. Bob wrote this first one and I have appended a number of other note-worthy additions. Enjoy.

I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.

"We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball season. The Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Shawon Dunston on third with two outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the championship...

Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch... And there's a long drive deep to right! That could be out of here! Darryl Strawberry races over and makes a leaping catch at the wall and Bob is Out!!! Yes, Bob is out, but he'll be happy to return your call as soon as possible." (BEEP)

Since I once worked in radio as a newscaster and DJ, I was able to do this so that it sounded like an actual radio broadcast. The response to this message, which ran a full 60 seconds, was interesting. Men loved it, and passed my phone number around so that their buddies could call in and hear it. Women, in general, didn't understand it, and left messages complaining that it was too long, too loud, or didn't make any sense.

Along the same lines, the following Answering Machine messages are worthy of review for you own personal usage:

1. A is for academics,
   B is for beer.
   One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
2. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
3. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
4. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
5. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
6. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
7. [Narrator's voice] There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
8. Hi. You have reached the Smith family. We have named our children Eeny, Meany and Miney, and we expect no Mo.