Sarah Ferguson, Royal Family: [Giggle] Hello, this is Fergie... er
(sound of hand being placed over receiver and a loud whisper).
Andrew! What's that title again? What? Oh hello, this is the
Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear
the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a
tinkle when we get back - in November. [Beep]
Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark: Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9,
the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok
Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious
Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics,
Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat
Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme
Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences,
President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happines and
Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
[Beep]
John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth: You dummy! You've called while I'm
OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are
you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make
me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! [Beep]
Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie: Gee, hi, um, I'm unable to come to
the phone right now cos I'm making a movie, or a video, or a new
album or something, but I'll get back to you next time I'm in
Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I said last
night: You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. [Beep]
The Pope, Spiritual Leader: Bless you my child. This is John Paul
Ringo... heh heh, I tell a liddle Beatles choke, yes? I'm out
kissing airport runways (hey, so would you if you flew Boeing) and
am unable to pontificate at present. Please leave your name and
number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to you, God
willing. [Beep]
Elvis Presley, Corpse: Hi. I can't come to the phone right now.
Actually I can't do much of anything right now because I've been
dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if you'd like to leave
your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija board,
Madame Zenda or a garbled tape recording. This is also the number
of John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy
Orbison... [Beep]
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian: Gutten day to you. Here I'm
being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's the latest moofie in
mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator, zen zere
was za Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis
handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll
chust luff it. I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep.
Don't say you can't. Ve haf vays off making you talk, you know.
[Beep]
Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman: You have reached the residence of
the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing Street. When you hear the
beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and distinctly and STOP
doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's you, how
many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30?
We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? [Beep]