Aphorisms
1. !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
2. #define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) -- Shakespeare.
3. $3,000,000
4. %
5. //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
6. /earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can.
7. <-------------- The information went data way ------------->
8. ...Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in
error, and you would not have been informed.
9. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
10. 186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's
the law!
11. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. (Pentium Joke)
12. 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
13. 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an
incredible simulation!
14. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
15. A 0.44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
16. A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end
and no responsibility at the other.
17. A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
18. A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend
money, as well as afterward.
19. A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and
votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
20. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
21. A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach
you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
22. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
24. A colleague in my department tells this story: He emigrated
from Russia to Israel, and then from Israel to the USA.
Besides being a mathematician, he has had to be a linguist.
25. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
26. A computer is a device designed to speed and automate
errors.
27. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of
thinking.
28. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
29. A critter will assume the shape of the container it is
packed into.
30. A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it?
31. A day without sunshine is like night.
32. A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look
stout in a fur coat.
33. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such
a way that you will look forward to the trip.
34. A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura
soprano...
35. A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds. The
next day, he received scores of responses. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."
36. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
37. A fool always find as a greater fool to admire him
38. A fool and his money are soon partying.
39. A fool must now and then be right by chance.
40. A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: First, get
a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that
doesn't look like an elephant.
41. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
mother.
42. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have
to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh,
that's much better.
43. A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a
fertsneet (sort of).
44. A hard man is good to find.
45. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
46. A language that doesn't affect the way you think about
programming is not worth knowing.
47. A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the
cost of nothing.
48. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the
negatives at any price.
49. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
50. A man in passion rides a mad horse.
51. A Man is a little as the things that annoy him
52. A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
53. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
54. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into
theorems.
55. A narrow mind has a broad tongue
56. A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to
you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from
you. It is an ice cream koan.
57. A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available
from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they
got a "round tuit" now has no excuse for further
procrastination.
58. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
59. A penny saved is ridiculous.
60. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
61. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive
answers that your wife will give you for free.
62. A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone,
somewhere, is having fun.
63. A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to
the town gossip.
64. A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and
rejoices that the system works.
65. A student who changes the course of history is probably
taking an exam.
66. A thing that nobody believes cannot be proved to often.
67. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect
the fuse by blowing first.
68. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
69. A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake
twice without getting nervous.
70. A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make
one believe in God.
71. AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Anonymous
72. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
73. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
74. Absence makes the heart go wander.
75. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
76. Accidents cause History.
77. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
78. Acid -- better living through chemistry.
79. Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing.
80. After an instrument has been assembled, extra components
will be found on the bench.
81. After I run your program, let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?
82. After learning the tricks of the trade, many of us think we
know the trade.
83. After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from
an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access
cover has been removed.
84. After their friendship there is nothing so dangerous as to
have them for enemies.
85. Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person
for a change.
86. Air is water with holes in it.
87. Alex Haley was adopted!
88. Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and
still waiting for a dial tone.
89. All computers wait at the same speed.
90. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy.
91. All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my
own importance.
92. All looks yellow to a jaundiced eye.
93. All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that
keeps us sane.
94. All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy
actors.
95. All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
96. All things comes to those who wait -- provided they know
what they are waiting for.
97. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
98. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
99. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
100. Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to
be paid back.
101. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
102. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
103. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less
confusing that way.
104. Amazing but true... If all the salmon caught in Canada in
one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the
smell would be absolutely awful.
105. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy
106. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
107. An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the
President but is always polite to traffic cops.
108. An effective way to deal with predators is to taste
terrible.
109. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
110. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
111. An ignorant person in anyone who does not know anything
about the things you do.
112. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
113. Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's
better than no government at all.
114. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
115. And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in
half, and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps!
116. Ankh if you love Isis.
117. Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
118. Anticipation breads frustration.
119. Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to
be able to sell it.
120. Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide
under a larger object.
121. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from a rigged demo.
122. Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
123. Anybody can grab a tiger by the tail - you only survive by
knowing what to do next...
124. Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police
car is probably parked.
125. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend
the fire.
126. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
127. Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
128. Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
129. Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label
means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely
New", or "Great New" means the price went way up.
130. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
131. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have
overlooked something.
132. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.
133. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
134. Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
135. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
136. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me,
they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
137. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry
a gun.
138. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with
my Inner Sociopath.
139. As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
140. As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as
a free variable."
141. As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
142. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
143. ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
144. Ask not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
145. Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... if thou art in
the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
146. Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go
to hell" for an answer.
147. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines
can swim.
148. Assurance is 2/3 of success.
149. At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant
from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had
to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he
revived.
150. At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer
you will find at least two human errors, including the error
of blaming it on the computer.
151. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
152. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great
trade!
153. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of
sleep.
154. Avoid reality at all costs.
155. Backups? We doan NEED no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
156. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
157. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
158. Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
159. Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
160. Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a
psychopath to your door.
161. Be Alert!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
162. Be always as merry as every you can for no one delights in
a sorrowful man.
163. Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and
disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time,
there is always a big future in computer maintenance.
164. Be different: Conform.
165. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
166. Be obscure clearly.
167. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax
collectors and miss!
168. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
169. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me upward to my
next step, blaming my parents.
170. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
171. Before you give someone a piece of you mind, make sure you
can get along with what you have left!
172. Behold the warranty... the bold print giveth and the fine
print taketh away.
173. Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
174. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
175. Better to rule in hell than serve in heaven.
176. Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible
but nothing of interest is easy.
177. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
178. Birds of a feather flock together.
179. Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
180. Black holes are where God divided by zero.
181. Bless this bunch as we crunch our lunch.
182. Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
183. Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be
Known as Wheels.
184. BLISS is ignorance
185. Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
186. Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave
any booze in plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago
again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes
out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving.
The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
187. Book smart and world dumb.
188. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
189. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
190. Brain fried -- Core dumped
191. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
192. Bringing computers into the home won't change either one,
but may revitalize the corner saloon.
193. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
194. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
195. Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
196. Busy as a button on a back house door.
197. But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is
not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move
ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble
understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but
not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor
quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
explained yet about the bytes?
198. But what we need to know is, do people really want nasally-insertable computers?
199. Buy a Pentium 200 so you can reboot faster.
200. By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the
task completely overwhelm you.
201. C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
202. C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
203. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
204. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
205. Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.
206. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
207. Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
208. Car Service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
209. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to
complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take
four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because
the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
takes.
210. Castles in the air are all right until we try to move them.
211. Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
212. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
213. CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today.
214. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to
lunch.
215. Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles,
and, if so, how many?
216. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
217. Character Density: The number of very weird people in the
office.
218. Chicken Little was right.
219. Children are natural mimic who act like their parents
despite every effort to teach them good manners.
220. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
221. Chocolate: The OTHER major food group.
222. Cleanliness is next to impossible.
223. Cleveland still lives. God must be dead.
224. Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day.
225. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no
influence on society.
226. Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
227. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
228. Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go
find out what they want."
229. Computer programmers do it byte by byte
230. Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal
systems theory.
231. Computers are only human.
232. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
233. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
234. Condense soup, not books!
235. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
236. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
237. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
238. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
239. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
240. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
241. Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
242. Dain bramaged.
243. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
244. Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
245. Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success
is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem.
Work hard to improve.
246. Dear Lord:
I just want one one-armed manager so I never have to hear
"On the other hand", again.
247. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
248. Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
249. Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down
250. Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
251. Demons are a Ghouls best Fiend.
252. Department of Redundancy Department
253. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
254. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
so popular?
255. Did you ever notice that people make love like they shop?
Men are in and out, but women take all day!
256. Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in
the U. S.?
257. Did you know... That no-one ever reads these things?
258. Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
259. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable
term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs
per fortnight.
260. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
261. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggy!" until you can
find a rock.
262. Disc space -- the final frontier!
263. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
264. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
265. Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in
adultery?
266. Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
267. Do not abandon hope: Your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives
tomorrow.
268. Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say.
269. Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
270. Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake
until noon.
271. Do not feed the bats tonight.
272. Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and
quick to anger.
273. Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators
will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
274. Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
275. Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
276. Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a
tantrum.
277. Do witches run spell checkers?
278. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would
just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
279. Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers
know it must be good because the programmers hate it so
much.
280. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
281. Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions... they're easier to
handle than dumb mistakes.
282. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
283. Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
284. Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
285. Don't discourage the other man's plans unless you have
better ones to offer.
286. Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
287. Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
288. Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
289. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in
walking distance.
290. Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
291. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
292. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if
you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
293. Don't sweat petty things and don't pet sweaty things.
294. Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it
alive.
295. Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as
effective.
296. Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me
where to get more wax!
297. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
298. Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you
came in?
299. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
300. Down with categorical imperative!
301. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
302. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said
nothing.
303. Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
304. Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
305. Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of
great leaders has been discontinued.
306. Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of
your fate and captain of your soul.
307. During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o
n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k*n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
308. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
309. E Pluribus Modem
310. E Pluribus Unix
311. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
312. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
313. Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
314. Easy street us a blind alley
315. Elevators smell different to midgets.
316. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
317. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
318. Entropy isn't what it used to be.
319. Equal bytes for women.
320. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
321. Ethernet, n.: something used to catch the etherbunny
322. Even a worm gets used to living in horseradish.
323. Even if you are on the right track - you'll get run over if
you just sit there.
324. Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the
United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still
only 2 cents a day.
325. Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy
to tell you just how busy they are.
326. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
327. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
328. Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge
to punt.
329. Every day, in every way, I am learning that criticism is not
nearly as effective as sabotage.
330. Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to
find this woman and stop her.
331. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
332. Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by
at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one
can deduce that every program can be reduced to one
instruction which doesn't work.
333. Every program has two purposes -- written and another for
which it wasn't.
334. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely
fits.
335. Every solution breeds new problems.
336. Every successful person has had failures but repeated
failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
337. Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
338. Every woman's a 10; it just depends which base you're
counting in.
339. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
340. Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have
had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great
programmers.
341. Everyone complains of memory, no one of his judgment.
342. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have
film.
343. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.
344. Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about
it.
345. Everything depends. Nothing is always. Everything is
sometimes.
346. Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which,
unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
347. Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
348. Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes
less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe.
For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's
not even a suggestion of a solid.
349. Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water
cooler.
350. Excellent day to have a rotten day.
351. Excellent time to become a missing person.
352. Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of
senility.
353. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
354. Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
355. Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.
356. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
357. Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test
first and the instructions afterwards.
358. Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes
instead of old ones.
359. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
360. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something
else.
361. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
362. F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
363. F u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
364. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
365. Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
366. Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
367. Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any
children, neither will you.
368. File not found... Should I fake it? (Y/N)
369. Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
370. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
371. FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at...
uh, when the little hand is on the...
372. For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must
afterwards be always old-fashioned.
373. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
374. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
375. For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
376. For Sale: Parachute. Used only once, never opened, small
stain.
377. For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin
Zelkowitz.
378. Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
Don't Write On Walls!
(and underneath)
You want I should type?
379. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
380. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
381. From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
382. Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
383. Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
384. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.
385. George Orwell was an optimist.
386. Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel
guilty.
387. Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your
children!
388. Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome,
and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
389. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
390. Give me the Luxuries, and to Hell with the Necessities!
391. Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and
moving to a new town.
392. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
393. Go 'way! You're bothering me!
394. God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around
for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
395. God gives burdens; also shoulders.
396. God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our
friends.
397. God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to
laugh.
398. God is a polythiest.
399. God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at
Cody's.
400. God is real, unless explicitly declared integer.
401. God isn't dead -- he's been busted
402. God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
403. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
404. God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the
seventh.
405. God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
406. God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
407. Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does
going to school make a person educated, any more than going
to a garage makes a person a car.
408. Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
409. Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
410. Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
411. Good day to let down old friends who need help.
412. Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
413. Good news: Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
414. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
415. Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with
your mate's new lover.
416. Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
417. Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
418. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
419. Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
420. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
421. Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for
traffic tickets.
422. Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
423. Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at
all.)
424. Half the people you know are below average.
425. Happy as if they were in their right mind.
426. Happy as pigs in shit.
427. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
428. Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word
"database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of
the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other
things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It
follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only
unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
429. Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play,"
never find the time for play?
430. Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous
grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
431. He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
432. He that has but four and spends five, has no need for a
purse.
433. He that lives on hope has but a slender diet.
434. He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with
both eyes.
435. He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
436. He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush,
hot, pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot
more fun.
437. He who hesitates is probably right.
438. He who hoots with the owls at night, never fly's with the
eagles in the morning.
439. He who is known as an early riser can stay in bed till noon.
440. He who Laughs, Lasts.
441. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
442. He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it.
443. He who watches the clock will always be one of the hands.
444. He's just a politician trying to save both his faces.
445. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
446. He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam
he'd be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky
peanut butter.
447. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
448. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
449. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
450. Heisenberg may have slept here.
451. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
452. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
453. Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
454. Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
455. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
456. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
457. Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't
have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
458. Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
459. Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you,
the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more
famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as
well go home.
460. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
461. Hindsight is an exact science.
462. Hire the morally handicapped.
463. His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
464. History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with
history.
465. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better
defense!
466. Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
467. Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if..."
468. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
469. Housework is something you do that nobody else notices
unless you don't do it.
470. How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
471. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
472. How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of
the government, and more recently the heart and the brain
(the backbone was gone some time ago). All we seem to have
left now is muscle. We'll be lucky to escape with our
skins.
473. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
474. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom
door you're on.
475. How to save face. Keep lower part closed.
476. How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
477. However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is
difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to
drain the swamp.
478. Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
479. Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
480. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we
met.
481. I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have
evolved from man.
482. I am all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to
marry my sister.
483. I am at one with my duality.
484. I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for
everyday life.
485. I am really enjoying not talking to you... Let's not talk
again REAL soon...
486. I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a
sweater.
487. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
that are someone else's fault.
488. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
our children's children, because I don't think children
should be having sex.
489. I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know
how I got there.
490. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I
had to buy them again.
491. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
492. I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person
who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to
hold?"
493. I can resist anything but temptation.
494. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
495. I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
496. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
497. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
498. I don't care who your father is, you drop that cross one
more time and you're out of the parade!
499. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
500. I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes
before?!?
501. I don't say that I'm no better than any body else... but
I'll be damned if I ain't just as good.
502. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
503. I either want less corruption, or more chances to
participate in it.
504. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
505. I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put
it.
506. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of
sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the
world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
507. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got
a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
508. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home
now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
509. I have had one child and my husband wants to have another.
I'd like to watch him have another.
510. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
511. I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
512. I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
513. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of
state and local laws.
514. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
515. I just found the last bug.
516. I just got lost in thought... It was unfamiliar territory.
517. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
518. I like work... I can sit and watch it for hours.
519. I like your game but we have to change the rules.
520. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
521. I love this fucking University, and this University loves
fucking me.
522. I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
523. I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing
they could do was to go away.
524. I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
525. I own my own body, but I share...
526. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
527. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran
around in circles.
528. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in
time.
529. I recently opened a fortune cookie and found the following
fortune: "New encounters could change the course of your
file." Is this a spelling error, or the start of a new wave
of fortune cookies aimed at Computer Scientists?
530. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
531. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now
it looks like I'm the only one moving.
532. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
533. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got
a full house and four people died.
534. I think I must be a mushroom. Everybody keeps me in the
dark and feeds me bullshit.
535. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
536. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in
my nose.
537. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It
was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
538. I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a
resistance.
539. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
540. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
541. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
542. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
543. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
544. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy
anything specific.
545. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
546. I will find humor in my everyday life by seeking out
individuals I can frighten in traffic.
547. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
548. I wondered why somebody didn't do something. Then I
realized that I am somebody.
549. I would explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
550. I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
lobotomy.
551. I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy
routines in FORTRAN.
552. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear
a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
553. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
554. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
555. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
556. I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle
peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I
get.
557. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
558. If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his
country.
559. If anything can go wrong, it will.
560. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
561. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
562. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
563. If at first you don't succeed, give up - no use being a damn
fool!
564. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
565. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
566. If at first you don't succeed, you are running about
average.
567. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and
only four tellers?
568. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
569. If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly
question.
570. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then
programming must be the process of inserting them.
571. If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
572. If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong
lane.
573. If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys
in their Heads.
574. If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him
Feet.
575. If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him
Rabbit Ears.
576. If God had meant for people to go nude they would have been
born that way.
577. If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have
been born with green, baggy skin.
578. If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been
necessary to invent it.
579. If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given
you bigger hands.
580. If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
581. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the
necessary forms.
582. If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty.
583. If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
584. If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try
multiplying by the page number.
585. If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
586. If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to
rent it.
587. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
588. If only I could be respected without having to be
respectable.
589. If only my rememberer was half as good as my forgetter.
590. If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
591. If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is
the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?
592. If the odds are a million to one against something
occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
593. If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
594. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the
one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go
wrong.
595. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop
helping me.
596. If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented
it.
597. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of
meat?
598. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
599. If you aren't making waves, you aren't kicking hard enough
600. If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't
a horse.
601. If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
602. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful,
give me a call.
603. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it
badly.
604. If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
605. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
606. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
607. If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
608. If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably
missed some.
609. If you have to hate, hate gently.
610. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
611. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which
a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth
way will promptly develop.
612. If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending
machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice"
button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
613. If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but
garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very
expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare
criticize it.
614. If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what
happens tomorrow!
615. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
616. If you're happy, you're successful.
617. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
618. If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why
not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant
at the end of the universe?
619. Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more
like the land He's trying to ignore.
620. Important letters which contain no errors will develop
errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in
the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.
621. In a five year period we can get one superb programming
language. Only we can't control when the five year period
will begin.
622. In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from
handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
623. In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer
in schools will be temporarily canceled.
624. In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so
in our programming languages.
625. In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not
Richardian.
626. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
627. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
628. Insanity is the final defense...
629. Introducing: L I T E
The new, LIGHT way to spell "light"! With 20% fewer
letters!
630. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
631. Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
632. Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy
fortune tellers take economists seriously?
633. It has just/recently been discovered that research causes
cancer in rats.
634. It is a two-for-one at the local drug store: buy a box of
Sudafed capsules and get a free bottle of Tylenol!
635. It is as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
636. It is better to be a has-been than one who never was.
637. It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with
an aardvark.
638. It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than to
speak up and remove all doubt.
639. It is better to risk saving a guilty person than to condemn
an innocent one.
640. It is difficult to see the picture when you are inside the
frame.
641. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program
than vice versa.
642. It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up
to them.
643. It is easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than
forgiveness for being right.
644. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
645. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools
are so ingenious.
646. It is lonely at the top, but you eat better.
647. It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing
about the problem.
648. It is not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
649. It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to the wedding.
650. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall
into a pit.
651. It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out... its the
grain of sand in you shoe.
652. It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
653. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
654. It may be those who do most, dream most.
655. It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
656. It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he
loves the flag.
657. It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent
for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I
was too famous.
658. It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better
dead.
659. It would be a swell world if everybody was as pleasant as
the fellow who's trying to skin you.
660. It's easier said than done... and if you don't believe it,
try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see
that it's easier said that "it's easier done than said,"
than it is done, which really proves that "it's easier said
than done."
661. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to
them.
662. It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your
crotch and baying at the moon.
663. It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in
the wrong direction.
664. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
665. It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los
Angeles.
666. It's redundant! It's redundant! -- R. E. Dundant
667. It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
668. Jeffery Dalmer, David Koresh, and Mike Tyson The Butcher,
The Baker, and The License Plate Maker
669. Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
670. Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
671. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
672. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
673. Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
674. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after
you.
675. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
doesn't mean he knows what it is.
676. Just remember: When you go to court, you are trusting your
fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty!
677. Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
678. Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
679. Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
680. Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
681. Keep your Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your
Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head
on your Shoulders. Now... try to get something DONE!
682. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
683. Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
684. Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
685. Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
686. Know what to kiss -- and when.
687. Knowledge and timber shouldn't be used much till they are
seasoned.
688. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
689. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a
decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
690. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
691. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
692. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
693. Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by
Tuesday.
694. Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a
while.
695. Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
696. Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then
you find there is nothing in it.
697. Life is like an onion: You peel off one layer at a time,
and sometimes you weep.
698. Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning
the instrument as one goes on.
699. Life is sexually transmitted.
700. Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a
meaning of which I disapprove.
701. Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
702. Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
703. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual
free trip around the Sun.
704. Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been
attempted before.
705. Logic is an organised way of going wrong.
706. Logic is the art of going with confidence
707. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence.
708. Look, I have no problem running Mickey-Micros and Pluto-PCs
through a Tinkerbell Bus, but we're never going to have a
Huey-Dewey-Louie LAN on a Minnie-Mini without seriously
upgrading all of our Goofy Software.
709. Look out! Behind you!!!
710. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
711. Look out for #1. Oh, and remember not to step in #2 either.
712. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
713. Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving
devices the world has ever seen.
714. Love is like manure, it is no good unless you spread it
around.
715. Love is sentimental measles.
716. Love your enemies: They'll go crazy trying to figure out
what you're up to.
717. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
718. Lysistrata had a good idea.
719. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
720. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed.
721. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
722. Maniac: An early computer built by nuts.
723. Many a live wire would be a dead one except for his
connections.
724. Marriage: May there be such a oneness between you that when
one weeps the other will taste salt.
725. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
726. Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
727. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be
returned without a receipt.
728. May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
729. May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
730. May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your
Erogenous Zones.
731. May the flees of a thousand camels invade your armpits.
732. May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the
Force of a Thousand Caramels.
733. Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can
certainly charge it.
734. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an
axe.
735. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
736. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
737. Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI
sees it.
738. Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
739. Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro.
740. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
741. Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
742. Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
743. Mistrust first impulse, they are always good.
744. Modern man is the missing link between apes and human
beings.
745. Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
746. Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier
to live with.
747. Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close
imitation.
748. Money doesn't make you happy... but its nice choosing your
own misery.
749. Money is the root of all evil, and every women need roots.
750. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
751. Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
752. Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once.
753. Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain
doesn't work.
754. My computer isn't that nervous... it's just a bit ANSI.
755. My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
756. My cow just died... I don't need any of your bull.
757. My lab partner's magnetic personality made the disk
unreadable.
758. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
759. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
760. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am
right.
761. My software never has bugs. It just develops random
features.
762. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies
763. Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... seems he's making
it hard for everyone but her.
764. Necessity is a mother.
765. Need a helping hand? Look at the end of your arm!
766. Never argue with an asshole... People might not know the
difference.
767. Never be led astray onto the Path of Virtue.
768. Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
769. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
770. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
771. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
772. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
773. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
774. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be
found to make it complex and wonderful.
775. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
776. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
777. Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
778. New members are urgently needed in the Society for
Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
779. New systems generate new problems.
780. New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
781. Newsflash: Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!
Details at eleven!
782. Newsflash: Today the East German pole-vault champion became
the West German pole-vault champion.
783. Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of
fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
784. Nihilism should commence with oneself.
785. Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce
his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably
mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that
Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.
786. No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
787. No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
788. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
789. No one is unemployed who minds his own business.
790. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away
from it.
791. No question is so difficult as that to which the answer is
obvious.
792. Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!
793. Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
794. Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to
put up with constructive praise.
795. Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
796. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
797. Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory.
798. Note: Lear Siegler does not service ADM-3A kits. If
service or technical assistance is needed, your Dumb
Terminal Dealer should be contacted.
799. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain
dealing.
800. Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time
to get up.
801. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.
802. Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than
nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
803. Nothing is faster than the speed of light... To prove this
to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
light comes on.
804. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
805. Nothing is impossible to the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
806. Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
807. Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
808. Now, touch these wires to your tongue!
809. Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
810. Numeric stability is probably not all that important when
you're guessing.
811. Occasionally you meet a person who thinks he has all seven
wonders of the world.
812. Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone
with a fake?
813. Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
814. Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those
lifetimes.
815. Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
816. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
817. Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new
address.
818. On a clear disk you can seek forever.
819. One cannot proceed from the informal to the formal by formal
means.
820. One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine
is quiet when well oiled.
821. One good reason why computers can do more work than people
is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
822. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
823. One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid
it.
824. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other
people.
825. One of these days is none of these days.
826. One planet is all you get.
827. One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
828. One thing in favor of a polka-dot tie is that one more spot
doesn't matter.
829. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
830. One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is
fresh paint.
831. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
832. Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
833. Only God can make random selections.
834. Optimization hinders evolution.
835. Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
836. Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite
your nails.
837. Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the
trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
838. Our real world dictionary defines a pessimist as an optimist
with experience.
839. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
840. Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
841. Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
842. Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
843. Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
844. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be
paranoid, too.
845. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
846. Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order
will be.
847. Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary
(tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will
be run at half speed.
848. Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
849. People often find it easier to be a result of the past than
a cause of the future.
850. People usually get what's coming to them... unless it's been
mailed.
851. People who claim they don't let little things bother them
have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
852. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
853. People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
854. Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
855. Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting
things.
856. Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is
next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
857. Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates
philogyny.
858. Photons have Mass? I didn't even know they were Catholics.
859. Plan ahead... It was not raining when Noah built the ark.
860. Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
861. Please ignore previous fortune.
862. Please take note: "The climate of Bombay is such that its
inhabitants have to live elsewhere."
863. Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: Some candidates
can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30
seconds.
864. Polymer physicists are into chains.
865. Practice intentional acts of kindness and beauty.
866. Predestination was doomed from the start.
867. President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess
prophets tax.
868. Press -- to continue...
869. Press <CTRL> <ALT> <DEL> to continue...
870. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
871. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
872. Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
873. Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
874. Programming is an art form that fights back.
875. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
876. Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the
hole and still come out ahead.
877. Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally
ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
878. Put on your seatbelt... I wanna try something.
879. Question: Man Invented Alcohol; God Invented Grass. Who do
you trust?
880. Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
881. Qvid me anxivs svm?
882. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
883. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
884. Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
885. REALITY.SYS corrupted: eboot Universe? (Y/N)
886. Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
887. Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
888. Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
889. Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
890. Really? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!
891. Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a
rat.
892. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, but that three
do.
893. Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
894. Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll
probably get another chance later on.
895. Robin Hood was a terrorist.
896. Rotate your tires.
897. Save energy: Be apathetic.
898. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
899. Schizophrenia beats being alone.
900. Science is what happens when preconception meets
verification.
901. Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
902. SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
903. Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
904. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
905. Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
906. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't
getting any.
907. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
answer.
908. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
909. Shake well before and after use.
910. She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that
you could have poured on a waffle.
911. She's genuinely bogus.
912. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
913. SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
914. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
915. Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man
who is playing golf with his boss.
916. Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
917. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
918. Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its
hands, and goes to work.
919. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
920. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
921. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
922. Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety
if it hit them on the head.
923. Some people know how to live everyone's life but there own.
924. Some people pay so much attention to their reputation that
they lose their character.
925. Some people that think they are generous because they give
away free advice.
926. Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have
already paid may disregard this fortune).
927. Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so
that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
928. Someone will try to honk your nose today.
929. Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette
and I'm the only ashtray.
930. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep
931. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
932. Sorry to hear about it <name>, but to be honest, this was
the first time that any of us had ever dreamed that you even
had a heart...
933. Southern DOS: "Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)"
934. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, and heed
well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
935. Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
936. Sped up my XT; ran it on 220V! Works gre0?_~"
937. Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
938. Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
939. Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk.
940. Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes.
941. Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
942. Stay away from flying saucers today.
943. Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
944. Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
945. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
946. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if
they'd only take a bath...
947. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
948. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what
you get.
949. Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
950. Sudafed is now putting 2 expiration dates on the label. One
for the product and one for the user.
951. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
952. Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know
that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
953. Surprise due today. Also the rent.
954. Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
955. Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!
Just type in your name and social security number. Please
remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
Name: Social Security Number:
956. Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when
he has a hole in his head.
957. Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your
way.
958. Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
959. Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto
a freeway.
960. Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone
else.
961. Tell me the company you keep and I'll tell you who you are.
962. Tell someone that a bench has wet paint, and they have to
touch it.
963. Tell someone that there are 400 billion stars, and they'll
believe you.
964. That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
965. That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
966. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.
967. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
968. The best defense against logic is ignorance.
969. The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a
long time.
970. The biggest room in the whole world is the room for
improvement.
971. The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into
the kitsch.
972. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get
to school.
973. The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely
to show up at the steam fitters' picnic.
974. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
975. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
required on it.
976. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.
977. The computer is the ultimate polluter: Its shit is
indistinguishable from the food it produces.
978. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
979. The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is
going down.
980. The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing
to most of us who are fortunate enough never to have been
one -- like watching Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
981. The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
982. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new
ones in.
983. The Democratic National Committee is requesting humanitarian
aid from the U.N., claiming that it suffered "catastrophic
damage" from the Gulf War.
984. The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
985. The dog that trots about finds a bone.
986. The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the
cheese.
987. The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much
heavier.
988. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is
to buy a replacement.
989. The empty vessel makes the greatest sound.
990. The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday,
with symposium to follow.
991. The Equine Paradox: There are more horses' asses in the
world than there are horses' heads.
992. The fellow who is a good sport has to lose to prove it.
993. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The
second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find
someone to buy me nice things.
994. The fortune program is supported, in part, by user
contributions and by a major grant from the National
Endowment for the Inanities.
995. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
996. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left
to chance.
997. The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will
last at least until we've finished building it.
998. The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal
of nature is to build better mice.
999. The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They
gave him love and he invented marriage.
1000. The growth of wisdom can be accurately gauged by the drop in
ill temper.
1001. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness
of the bread.
1002. The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking
tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not
howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
1003. The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like
independent thinkers.
1004. The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating
system.
1005. The IQ of a group is the lowest IQ of the group divided by
the number of people in the group.
1006. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
1007. The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
1008. The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom
door you're standing on.
1009. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.
1010. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an
approaching train.
1011. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
1012. The man who fails to plan, plans to fail.
1013. The man who is too old to learn was probably always to old
to learn.
1014. The man who waits for things to turn up has his eyes fixed
on his toes.
1015. The marvels of today's modern technology include the
development of a soda can, when discarded will last
forever... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for
will rust out in two or three years.
1016. The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to
refuse.
1017. The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
1018. The more I see of some people the more i like my dog.
1019. The more things change, the more they stay insane.
1020. The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least
one of us is right.
1021. The most welcome person in the one who knows when to go.
1022. The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
1023. The name is Baud... James Baud.
1024. The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!
1025. The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government
around. I hope I don't get run over again.
1026. The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer
coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary
number system.
1027. The objective of all dedicated employees should be to
thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems
prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems,
and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon.
1028. The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school
as a boy.
1029. The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you
know when to cringe.
1030. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
1031. The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it
brings to others.
1032. The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is
the person who lives in the next apartment.
1033. The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can
never stop and take a rest.
1034. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
1035. The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.
1036. The other night I was having good sex, but the girl hung up
on me.
1037. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to
the stupidity of your action.
1038. The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you
never get a chance to prove it.
1039. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
1040. The programmer's national anthem is "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH."
1041. The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't
eat much.
1042. The reason why worry kills more people then work is that
more people worry than work.
1043. The revolution will not be televised.
1044. The rich need not beg a welcome.
1045. The right half of the brain controls the left half of the
body. This means that only left handed people are in their
right mind.
1046. The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age
of 100 showed that all had these things in common:
1. They all had moderate appetites.
2. They all came from middle class homes
3. All but two of them were dead.
1047. The secret of success in conversation is to be able to
disagree without being disagreeable.
1048. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
1049. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
1050. The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble
activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it
is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor
good philosophy... neither its pipes nor its theories will
hold water.
1051. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch-up!
1052. The things most people want to know are usually none of
their business.
1053. The trick is to grow up without growing old.
1054. The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your
time.
1055. The trouble with being punctual is that people think you
have nothing more important to do.
1056. The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
1057. The true worth of a man is to be measured by the objects he
pursues.
1058. The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its
credibility. And vice versa.
1059. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
and stupidity.
1060. The voters have spoken, the bastards...
1061. The vow that binds too strictly snaps itself.
1062. The wise old owl sat in an oak tree... the more he way the
less he spoke... the less he spoke the more he heard. Why
can't we be like that wise old bird.
1063. The world does not require so much to be informed as to be
reminded.
1064. The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of
shit.
1065. The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
1066. The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those
library books!
1067. The world is like a fruitcake... It wouldn't be complete
without a few nuts.
1068. The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between
the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the
questions, at eighteen all the answers.
1069. There are old pilots and bold pilots, but no old bold
pilots.
1070. There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics
of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they
undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they
turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?
1071. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and
those who can't.
1072. There are three possibilities:
a. Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
b. There's a large meteor blocking transmission; or
c. Someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video
processor.
1073. There are three ways to get something done:
a. Do it yourself,
b. Hire someone, or
c. Forbid your kids to do it.
1074. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the
dead.
1075. There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD
and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
1076. There are two sides to every question, and if you want to be
popular you take both.
1077. There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the
third one works.
1078. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.
1079. There are visual errors in time as well as in space.
1080. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
1081. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things
you know nothing about.
1082. There is a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too
bad its not a fence.
1083. There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
That of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT
write.
1084. There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your
shoulder.
1085. There is more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 32 --
Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
1086. There is more to life than increasing its speed.
1087. There is no future in time travel.
1088. There is no indigestion worse than that which comes from
having to eat your own words.
1089. There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps,
fast reflexes.
1090. There is no time like the present for postponing what you
ought to be doing.
1091. There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.
1092. There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you
want it to.
1093. There's no future in time travel.
1094. There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it
doesn't get any worse.
1095. These days the necessities of life cost you about three
times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even
fit to drink.
1096. They talk most who have least to say.
1097. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them!
1098. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
1099. Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
1100. Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left
by those who hustle.
1101. Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in
your face.
1102. Things won't get any better so get used to it.
1103. Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
1104. Think honk if you're a telepath.
1105. Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
1106. Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think
click click".
1107. This fortune intentionally not included.
1108. This is a country where people are free to practice their
religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or
number of dangling keys...
1109. This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
1110. This evangelist was standing at the podium holding a Bible
up high in his right hand. The caption said, "I take
thousands and thousands of tax free dollars from guilt
ridden people every year. That's why I carry one of
these..."
1111. This House doesn't always look like this... sometimes it's
even worse.
1112. This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
1113. This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
1114. This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
1115. This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of
management personal to various situations.
1116. This time it will surely run.
1117. This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try
to forget it.
1118. Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
1119. Those who can't write, write manuals.
1120. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat
it.
1121. Those who deny freedom to other deserve it not for
themselves.
1122. Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody
nose.
1123. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
1124. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana!
1125. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students!
1126. To a REAL woman, every ejaculation is premature...
1127. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able
to say it.
1128. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever
you hit, call it the target.
1129. To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
1130. To err is human. To forgive is Not Company Policy.
1131. To err is human. To moo, bovine.
1132. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a
computer.
1133. To improve is more difficult that to admire.
1134. To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
1135. To many people stop looking for work when they get a job.
1136. To say the right thing at the right time, keep still most of
the time.
1137. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
1138. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
your principles.
1139. To suspect a friend is worse than to be deceived by him.
1140. To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or
is it?
1141. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
1142. Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
1143. Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
1144. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
1145. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
1146. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
1147. Today's might oak is yesterday's nut who held its ground.
1148. Today's subliminal thought is:
1149. Todays assembler command: EXOP - Execute Operator.
1150. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
1151. Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
1152. Too much of the world is run on the theory you don't need
road manners if you are a 5-ton truck.
1153. Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive
tomorrow.
1154. Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and
wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
1155. Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess
things up.)
1156. Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are
is no good.
1157. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
1158. Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
which the only specification is that it should run
noiselessly.
1159. Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
1160. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
1161. UFO's are for real: The Air Force doesn't exist.
1162. Ultimate office automation: Networked coffee.
1163. Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want
something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming
paroxysmally hedonistic...
1164. Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+]
dataspec ... inputdir
1165. Vegetarians have never been able to explain why the first
sin was the result of eating fruit.
1166. Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80
characters.
1167. Virtue is its own punishment.
1168. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you
can't find them.
1169. Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
1170. Vote anarchist
1171. Want Ad: Lovely kitten desires position as companion to
little girl. Will also do light mouse work.
1172. Warning: Children's alphabet blocks contain letters which
can be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that
may be deemed offensive.
1173. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
1174. Warning: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality
of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the
growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the
outcome of your favorite war.
1175. Wasting time is an important part of living.
1176. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
1177. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
Assimilated.
1178. We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork
involved.
1179. We didn't all come over on the same ship, but were all in
the same boat.
1180. We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
1181. We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
understand the hardware, but we can see the blinking lights!
1182. We hear and apprehend only what we already half know.
1183. We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we
always respect their good judgement.
1184. We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of
our best friends are trying to kill us.
1185. We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies
solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through
a meter.
1186. We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
1187. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
1188. Well I would have liked to have been there!!!
There was also the one about the group of students who on
finding it was raining on bonfire night had their firework
display indoors instead (This is true! Stupid, but true!!)
1189. What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
1190. What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
1191. What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
1192. What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find
the entrance.
1193. What good is having someone who can walk on water if you
don't follow in his footsteps.
1194. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
1195. What is another word for "thesaurus"?
1196. What is said when drunk had been thought out beforehand.
1197. What is the Latin for office automation?
1198. What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody
to do.
1199. What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that
there's nothing to compare it with.
1200. What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
1201. What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
1202. What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good
five-cent bagel.
1203. What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
1204. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
1205. What this country needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
1206. Whatever became of eternal truth?
1207. When all other means of communication fail, try words.
1208. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir
cevinpl.
1209. When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last
year, I think it was a Tuesday.
1210. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
1211. When God created man, She was only testing.
1212. When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend
to guarantee them.
1213. When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many
people ask me if I'm leaving.
1214. When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the
four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
1215. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child... eventually.
1216. When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in
doubt, mumble.
1217. When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
1218. When it comes time to helping you, some people stop at
nothing.
1219. When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
1220. When my ship comes in I'll probably be waiting at the
airport.
1221. When someone says "I want a programming language in which I
need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
1222. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
1223. When the cup is full, carry it even.
1224. When there are sufficient funds in the chequeing account,
cheques take two weeks to clear. When there are
insufficient funds, cheques clear overnight.
1225. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
1226. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is
like the IRS.
1227. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
1228. When you probe unseen places use protection.
1229. When you see a situation you cannot understand, look for the
financial interest.
1230. When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in
FORTRAN.
1231. Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
1232. Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
1233. While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the
true test is admission to someone else.
1234. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you
choose your own form of misery.
1235. While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great
bargaining position.
123