E-mail Rejection Form Letter

Men's Letter to Women

Men often find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week."

But there is now a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. E-mail.

That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows, the verbiage can be altered to fit both men and women.

Dear [Insert her name here],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. [Insert your last name here]. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: [Check all that apply]

____ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

____ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

____ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

____ My breasts are bigger than yours.

____ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

____ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

____ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative Bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

[Insert Your Name Here (Optional)]

Women's Letter to Men

Dear [Insert His Name Here],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: [Check those that apply]

____ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

____ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

____ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

____ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

____ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

____ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

____ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can fit into my pants, then you can't get into my pants.

____ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

____ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

____ You have a hairy back.

____ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

____ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

____ The phrase, "My Mother," has popped up far too often in conversation.

____ You still live with your parents.

____ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

____ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

____ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

____ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

____ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as "Must see TV" demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

____ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

[Insert Your Name Here (Optional)]