Dear Mother and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I
am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit
down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down.
Okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window
of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here
is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital
and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches
once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, were
witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he
was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He
also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live
because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me
to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but
it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply
in love and are planning to get married. We haven't got the exact
date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are
looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome
the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you
gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our
marriage is that my boy friend has a minor infection which prevents
us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught
it from him.
I know that you will welcome him into our family with open
arms. He is kind and, although not well-educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know
your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered
by that.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you
that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or
skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am
not engaged, I am not infected, and there is no boy friend in my
life. However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science and
I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.