Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank
you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for
years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility
that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for
these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the
next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep
in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you
have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to driver her
to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and
I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex.
This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be
handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate
Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In
February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'Ing houses.
In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office
or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big
deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is
sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight.
I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal.
Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is
the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he
lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with
girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976
numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the
pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is
expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. I don't. The school
sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It
added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears
hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four
more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me
but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come
to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it
would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is
really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am
free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military
academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible
as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
$395.00 in additional taxes and made a down payment on an airplane.
(Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date.
"Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." Our
response, "Gee Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break.")