Letters to President Clinton

Dear Bill:

As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitches done set us up!

Former Washington D.C. Mayor Marion Berry

Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on for the fall.

Marv Albert

You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon yet. Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. Warm personal regards, you prick.

Newt

Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Some set of tits on her, huh?

Frank Gifford

Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! HA HA! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson

Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Baker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you for a threesome sometime.

Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake. At least mine was tight.

With sympathy,
Rob Lowe

We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.

The editors,
Cigar Aficionado magazine