Dear Abby...

Version 1

Dear Abby -

I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing.

You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft's Customer Service Division. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake-Aztec-souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.

In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft Customer Service?

Version 2

Dear Abby:

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets, and hopefully, the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?