I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in
a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
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Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two
turtle doves... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Love,
Affectionately,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on
my nerves.
All my love,
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese
are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially,
What's with you and those darn birds??? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of sick joke is this? There's bird dropping's all over
the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and
I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......STOP WITH THE BIRDS!
Sincerely,
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with
eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and
eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own gosh darn
cows. There is crap all over the lawn and I can't move into my own
Ag
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And goodness - do they play. They never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they
screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me. You'll get yours, I NEVER FORGET!
From Ag
You Rotten *&^$!:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been "extra friendly" with those nine pipers
all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.
My living room is a brown river. The commissioner of buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it,
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? (It seems they mainly leap
on those maids and aforementioned "ladies") Some of those
broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been harassing the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead.
They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, YOU ROTTEN SWINE!
Your sworn enemy,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should
attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely,
Dearest John:
Agnes
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Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just
darling but I must insist... you're just too kind.
Agnes
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Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really!
They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're
being too romantic.
Agnes
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Dearest John:
Agnes
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Dear John:
Agnes
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John:
Agnes
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OK Buster:
house. Just lay off me. JERK.
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Hey SICK-O:
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Ag
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Now Listen:
Miss Agnes McCallister
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Dear Sir:
The law offices Taker, Shaker, and Badger