Guys Scorecard

Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, pages 110-115, along with some things that are just expected of guys.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

[Editor's Note: Although this point system is based on the article in Men's Health Magazine, additions have been made for a more comprehensive list.]

Simple Duties

  1. You go to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners w/wings (+5)
  2. But return with beer (-5)
  3. You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
  4. You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
  5. You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
  6. You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
  7. It's her father (-10)
  8. You make the bed (+1)
  9. You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
  10. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
  11. You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
  12. You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
  13. When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
  14. When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

Social Engagements

  1. You stay by her side the entire party (0)
  2. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
  3. Named Tiffany (-4)
  4. Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
  5. Tiffany has implants (-8)
  6. When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
  7. When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
  8. When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
  9. When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" (-6)
  10. That woman is her sister (-90)
  11. You have one drink, and that's it (0)
  12. You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
  13. You have a lot of drinks, and vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)

Saturday Afternoons

  1. You visit her parents (+1)
  2. You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
  3. You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
  4. And the television is off (-6)
  5. You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
  6. And you didn't even go to college (-10)
  7. And it's not really your underwear (-15)
  8. You go to the mall together (+3)
  9. You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
  10. You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
  11. You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
  12. You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional (0)
  13. You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
  14. Most of it chips and beer (-6)
  15. You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
  16. Or refinishing the floors (+16)
  17. Or rewiring the basement (+17)
  18. Or adding a second floor (+18)
  19. Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6)
  20. And you're tickled pink about it (-15)

Her Birthday

  1. You take her out to dinner (0)
  2. You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
  3. Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
  4. And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
  5. It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
  6. You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player (+3)
  7. You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing (+4)
  8. If you stink (+2)
  9. If you're not half bad (+5)
  10. You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause (-2)
  11. You give her a gift (0)
  12. You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance (-10)
  13. You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance (+1)
  14. You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate (+2)
  15. You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months (+30)
  16. You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
  17. With her credit card (-30)
  18. And whatever you bought is two sizes too big (-40)

Thoughtfulness

  1. You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
  2. Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
  3. And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)
  4. You forget her birthday completely (-120)
  5. You forget your anniversary (-30)

A Night Out with Your Pals

  1. Go out with a pal (-5)
  2. And the pal is happily married (-4)
  3. Or frighteningly single (-7)
  4. And he drives a Mustang (-10)
  5. With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)
  6. You have a few beers (-9)
  7. For every beer after three (-2 each)
  8. And miss curfew by an hour (-12)
  9. You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call (-15)
  10. You get home at 3 a.m. (-20)
  11. You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-30)
  12. And not wearing any pants (-40)
  13. Is that a tattoo (-200)

Her Night Out

  1. You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work (+5)
  2. She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late (+10)
  3. You wait up (+15)
  4. She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed (+20)

A Night Out, Just The Two of You

  1. You go see a comic (+2)
  2. He's crude and sexist (-2)
  3. You laugh (-5)
  4. You laugh too much (-10)
  5. She's not laughing (-15)
  6. You laugh harder (-25)
  7. You take her to a movie (+2)
  8. You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
  9. You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
  10. You take her to a movie you like (-2)
  11. It's called DeathCop 3 (-3)
  12. Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
  13. You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

A Night At Home

  1. You watch TV together (0)
  2. You rent a movie (+2)
  3. You rent a movie and it's Sense and Sensibility (+3)
  4. It's Sense and Sensibility and you stay awake throughout (+5)
  5. It's Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep (-1)
  6. It's Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep and drool (-2)

Driving

  1. You lose the directions on a trip (-4)
  2. You lose the directions and end up getting lost (-10)
  3. You end up getting lost in a bad part of town (-15)
  4. You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
  5. You know them (-60)
  6. She finds out you lied about having a black belt (-60)

Flowers

  1. You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
  2. You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
  3. You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
  4. And she contracts Lyme disease (-25)

Your Physique

  1. You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
  2. You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
  3. You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)

Finances

  1. You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
  2. Something she can't use (-10)
  3. Such as a motorized model airplane (-20)
  4. And she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)

The Big Question

  1. She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
  2. You hesitate in responding (-10)
  3. You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

  1. When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
  2. When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
  3. You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper (+10)
  4. She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-10)