The Windows95 Source Code

/* File Description: The Windows95 Source Code
 *
 * Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE
 * Project:  Version - Windows 95
 *
 * Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
 */

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
     if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
     {
          if (there_are_still_bugs)
               market(bugfix);
          if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
               raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
       }
     while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
     {
          make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);
     /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
          if (rumours_grow_wilder)
               make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
          if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
          {
               market_time=ripe;
               say("It will be ready in one month);
               order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
               order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
               order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
               vapourware=TRUE;
               break;
          }
     }
     switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
     {
          case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
               say("It will be ready in", today+30_days,
                    " we're just testing");
               break;
          case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
               say("Yes it will work");
               ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
               pretend(there_is_no_problem);

               break;
          case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
               say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
                    " the 32 bits architecture");
               inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
               inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                    "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
               inform(QUANTUM,
                    "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
               get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
               break;
          case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
               say("Oh no, we're just here to make a better world for
everyone");
               register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
               when(time_is_ripe)
               {
                    arrest(journalist);
                    brainwash(journalist);
                    when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
                    {
                         order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                         release (journalist);
                    }
               }
               break;
          }
     while (vapourware)
     {
          introduction_date++; /* Delay */
          if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
               break;
          say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
     }
     release(beta_version)
     while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
     {
           bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
          release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
          introduce(more_memory_requirements);
          if (customers_report_installation_problems)
          {
               say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
               if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
               {
                    ignore(customer);
                    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,
                         "Keep an eye on this bastard");
               }
          }
          if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
          {
               divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
               wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

               marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
               devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
               if (boobies_start_to_hang)
                    dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
          }
          if (there_is_another_company)
          {
               steal(their_ideas);
               accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
               hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
               wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
               buy_out(other_company);
          }
     }

  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all
     * angry at us
   */

     order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
     buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
     laugh_at(everyone,
          for_waiting_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
     }

void bugfix(void)
{
     charge (a_lot_of_money)
     if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
          say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
     if (still_complaints)
     {
          ignore(customer);
          register(customer, big_Bill_book);
          /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */
     }
}