40-ish: 48
Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate: Possessive
Artist: Unreliable
Athletic: Flat chested
Average Looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Commitment-Minded: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication Important: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Employed: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys Art and Opera: Snob
Enjoys Nature: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty: Would frighten a Martian
Feminist: Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure: One paycheck from the street
Free Spirit: Substance user
Friendship First: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline Autistic
Humorous: Caustic
Intuitive: Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light Drinker: Lush
Looks Younger: If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel: If you're paying
Loves Animals: Cat lady
Mature: Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like
last boyfriend did
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Non-Traditional: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-Fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
Open-Minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud
Passionate: Loud
Petite: Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional: Bitch
Redhead: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable: Frumpy
Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
Romantic: Looks better by candle light
Self-Employed: Jobless
Smart: Insipid
Special: Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual: Involved with a cult
Stable: Boring
Tall, Thin: Anorexic
Tan: Wrinkled
Voluptuous: Very Fat
Weight Proportional to Height: Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate: One step away from stalking
Widow: Nagged first husband to death
Writer: Pompous
Young at heart: Toothless crone
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate: Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist: Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average Looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-Looking: Fat, grey, and bald
Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed: On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure: I will spend some money on you, in return for
which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of
your mortal life.
Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
Good Looking: Arrogant bastard
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO: Slim, attractive female would be better off with a labrador
retriever
Light Drinker: Headed for AA
Like to Cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
Like Romantic Walks on the Beach: I read Cosmo and think this is
what you want to hear
Mature: Until you get to know him
Open-Minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
interested
Physically Fit: I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring
myself
Poet: Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional: Owns a white button-down
Reliable: Shows up on time... give or take 3 hours
Self-Employed: Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive: Needy
Smart: Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"
Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful: Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile: Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Young at Heart: Pedophile