Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to
control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide
behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few
yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you
prance away.
Bump: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Deafness: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person
want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring
blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or
lying down.
Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in
the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drool: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.
To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad
and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.
Garbage Can: A container which your neighbors put out once a week
to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try
to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are
rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume
and moldy crusts of bread.
Goose Bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular
Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective
when combined with The Sniff. See Bump.
Lean: Every good ACD's response to the command "sit!" especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.
Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.
Love: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your
tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place
your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and
inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you
stop.
Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.
Thunder: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is
necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably,
panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and
old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and
strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.